This is something I have longed tried to confess to others. And today, I feel like its the time to do so, so here it goes:
Yesterday was somewhat of a rough day, The reason is because I was going home from college. And my sister called me to wait for her since she would come out of work late. So I did, I waited in a Library that was near my College. Then, my dad called and said he was gonna pick me and my sister. I groaned at that, and I'll explain later why.
But anyways, I started getting a little hungry, so I bought a snack along from a 7-elleven near the library. I got on a trolley that would go near the street that I live in. But this trolley didn't go to my street, it went to this American Plaza(I live in San Diego, just to let you know).
The reason I did this is because I wanted to spend the last few moments by myself before my dad could pick me up and my sister, since I hate my dad. And i'll get to there ASAP.
Thankfully, the trolley I rode could go back to the street that my home is(I'm 18, and I still live with my Parents. :P). And my dad was waiting there with my sister, and boy, was he pissed, not to mention it was nightime already, like close to Nine.We argued all the way back home, and I tried to explain why I was late, without admitting that I didn't want him to pick me up, and sadly, I failed.
Now, the reason all this happened, again, is because I hate my dad. BUT, before I start explaining, this isn't the first time that happened. I was a little late before for the same reason, but instead I was walking around downtown just to see how it was, and it really nice, not to mention it would be usually crowded.
Anyways, all of this happened was, like I said, because I hate my dad, and I didn't want him to pick me up because of that. And this is where all of this explained why.
You see, throughout most of my life, I had a really bad relationship with my dad, seriously, I did. The reason was because As a kid, my Dad used to hit quite a lot. He was a pretty violent and aggressive person, as he would usually swear all time, even when he wasn't angry.
Honestly, I was a good kid back then. Yeah, there was a few times I would be such a rascal here and there, but for the most part, I wasn't a bad kid, and I was a very happy one at that. But all of that came down to hell when by the time I was in preschool, that's when the beating began.
He would hit any time I would be in trouble, whether it was big or small. And because of that, I would end up crying any time I have gotten in trouble, usually they wouldn't be so big, not to mention when I did get in trouble, it would mostly be something I didn't do. But like I said, I would cry if I got in trouble, because I was scared, and it was because if I got into trouble, my dad would totally hide me hard. And because of that, I started to get picked on a lot.
I know what you're thinking, why couldn't I have just told a teacher or something like that? Again, it was because I was scared, and I meant really scared! I feared that If I told anyone about what my dad did to me and he would get called out for it, he would hit me again, and possibly a lot harder. Hell, I didn't even know there was a thing Like CPS(Child Protective Services) back than, so with that, I kept my mouth shut. But that didn't solve anything, sadly.
I would get picked on more and more so, even to the point of sometimes getting into trouble with a certain kid who would pick on me because I was being such a crybaby, but again, it was because of my dad.
And of course, the more I got picked on, the more I tried to fight back sometimes, which resulted in me getting in trouble(sometimes to the point of going to the principal's office), which of course resulted in my dad beating me.
And he wouldn't just hit me, he would even hit my sister when she got into trouble. In fact, once my dad hit my mom as well! But my sister was only a little kid(She's older than me, so she's 24), and I was like one, I believe.
So yeah, my dad was just an abusive person, resulting in me getting bullied by other kids through my whole six years in Elementary school,(especially during my Two years in Middle School). Why? Well, I've already told you why, so I think you would know now.
My dad stopped hitting me by time I was 13 or 14, but even if he did, he would still and yell and insult if I got into trouble, which I didn't get much into when I was High School now, but you get the point. However, he would stop doing so by the time I was 16 or 17. But there would still be times he would still insult me, to the point of getting into fights sometimes.
In fact, there was one time when I 16, I was cleaning the dog's poop, and my Dad showed me how to do it right, he says. And when I was doing it how he told me to, I saw a scrape of poop and I tired cleaning it, but it was to do hard to take it off, I got a little upset, I kind of stomped the broom on the floor, and next thing, my Dad got mad and rushed towards, I tried to explain it, but he interrupted it me, yanked the broom off me, and insulted me! That got me really upset, and we later got in a fight, but my Mom broke it soon.
All of this mess that I had to go through my life with him made me become a very shitty person. I've gone from a happy and energetic kid, to a depressed,resentful, insecure young adult with some anger issues(which came from my dad's Angerism), not to mention that I can be egotistical at times. This has also resulted in me becoming rather anti-social and shy during High School(Which also made me somewhat socially awkward). Plus, it had also resulted me becoming addicted to the computer(especially the internet), as a way to escape the shitty reality that I had to face with my dad. Sometimes, that didn't go so well either as I would take out my anger to some people online, to the point where I had some individuals hate me now.
With more of this kind of shit added with having to suffer most of my life through abusive dad, I've come to the realization that I have probably become the black sheep of my family, as I wouldn't even be near my dad when he was around the house, especially when him, my mom and sister were watching movies or something else on TV.
There was a short time where i've gotten help during High School, like going to see a therapist and what not, and it did kinda made me feel a little better, but it didn't much good for me for the most part. I still felt like shit, and my parents I didn't have a problem. They were right I didn't have a problem, my REAL problem was my dad! He's the reason behind all the teribble shit I had to go through my life for almost twenty years! ALMOST TWENTY YEARS!!! Even I don't believe that myself!
Look, my dad loves me, but I don't think I can love him anymore because even if he's not hitting me anymore, he's still the same aggressive and violent person he is, in one way or another. Hell, one time he threatened my sister brutally, to the point that she almost ran away!
All i'm saying I just want a dad who respects me kindly and encourages me correctly, and not my dad! He should know better that love is about is about encouragement and dedication, not violence and aggresiveness! But he doesn't seem to understand, or rather he does, but in a different way, and tends to thrive it, even if doesn't realize it.
Also, he is somewhat of a hard-worker, which bums out. Because since he's not lazy at working, he seems to be lazy at being a better parent!
But you know what, I don't blame him entirely for this. Why, because my dad has gone through some worse shit than I did! Yes, my dad was very poor as a kid, and his dad was just as abusive as he was. In fact, at one time, his dad left him when he was still a kid! And didn't I forget to tell you it was around the time my dad's mom died! So this means my dad's dad didn't care about him as much as my dad does. So my dad had to work really hard so he can make a decent living
at the least(which also resulted him in leaving school at an early age!).
Like I said, my dad loves me, and he cares about me, but of all the shit he had put me though after all these years, I don't think I can love or even about him anymore! He though that being violent would make me a better man, but instead he made me the sack of shit I am now. I'll admit, I'm usually a nice person, but I still have some anger issues, but again, that came from my dad's angerism, since through most of his life, he had gotten through several fights, his dreaded life of poverty, his abusive dad leaving him,and trying to avoid being homeless for so long made him into what he is now.
But you know what, He could've at least taken the time to only work hard, but to a learn to become a better person, if not, a better dad! And to be honest, that is kinda true, he did become a little better than his dad, but he's still a crappy person, and a crappy dad.
Don't get me wrong, there are a few things that I did appreciate for him, and a few good moments I enjoyed with him, but even then, that's still not gonna excuse or make up all the unhappy memories of my childhood and some of my adolescence, as still remember all those bad moments, and I still do to this day.(And when I do, it makes me feel very uncomfortable being around him. Hell, We don't even talk to each other much anymore) But that's just me.
Sometimes, I wonder, that with all the bad things I experienced through most of my life with my dad, that i'm just a tragedy that should've prevented, or even shouldn't exist. There are also times that I think of committing suicide so I won't have deal with him or my life anymore.
But I realize that's not the best way to go, instead, of I have been actually thinking of disowning him, or even my whole family. I was also thinking that maybe my parents should just get a divorce, as my sister thought about that as well. But I feel like that's very unlikely, and possibly won't happen any time soon.
So, the best way to go is to just disown my parents. I wouldn't mind having to live with my mom or sister, but since my dad is still part of the family, I don't think I can live around him anymore. That might hurt his feelings a lot, but I think it's for the best, it's for his own good, he deserves it. I think that should be consider as a punishment to him, for all what he has done to me all these years.
I feel that if I continue being around him, I'll be very unhappy with myself. And I would forgive him, but has never apologized for what he has done to me, even if he said it was for my own good. But even if he did, I still probably wouldn't forgive him, as i'm somewhat sensitive about people and what they'd do to me. Honestly, I don't know if my sister would do the same, as my dad also beated her and she came out just fine, but I guess it's because she didn't get as hit as much as I did. Though, at the same time I doubt it since, like I said, almost ran way after dad brutally threatened her.
But anyways, it may seem kind of cruel and stupid of me for trying to disown my dad, but what he has done throughout most of my life was more cruel and stupid. I don't think I can deal with anymore drama with him anymore, and I hate Drama, when it comes to trying to deal with situations, of course.
If I am gonna disown him(but most likely my parents), I might probably be homeless for a little while until I can find a job. BUT, I will still be going to college to finish with my studies, and I will still be continue on working on my Web comic without still trying to get work in and college in the way. And with all that, I could at least have a decent place to live in for myself. Sure, I'm probably not gonna be very rich, but i'll be a lot happier person nonetheless.
So, from all of this, i've learned that I will become a better person, if not, a better dad(In case I ever become one. And i've also learned that violence is not the best way to resort to, especially when raising a child. So all i'm saying if you're gonna plan on being a parent, please, just please, never hit your child, and be kind and decent to him/her, won't you?(won't you, because you know how it feels to have a bad one! ), otherwise he/she might end up disowning you!
So, here's a question for all of you: Should I really disown my parents, so I won't have to deal with my dad (and his behavior) anymore?
That's all I have to say for now. I hope you understand well, and I hope I helped as well.
Please and Thank you!
