I need some volunteers to help critic my writing

[TheRealMP]

Im working on a book and I am only a few chapters in but i would like to see what people think of the of it. Opinions, suggestions, grammar aid is all appreciated.
thank you everyone.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1auJ2Lh_y1RSAo1S-9x68YWNqVLNKE1noOtuUkwkhF-Y/edit?pref=2&pli=1
hope you enjoy.

[mintycanoodles]

critique*

grammar wise, dialogue and the action following it are all one sentence. "Like this," she wrote. or, "Like this!" she wrote. and characters yelling doesn't necessarily have to be indicated with ALL CAPS. italics can be used for emphasis too, but that's personal opinion. I just find ALL CAPS awkward sometimes. especially with the line "Answer the godDAMN QUESTION!” I personally feel it would look better "Answer the goddamn question!"

it's interesting, what you have so far. It's mysterious and I like mysterious prologues. I don't really like your POV character much (kinda seems like a dick) but i get the feeling that's what you're going for so kudos. there could be a little more showing and less straight telling, like describing how someone acts when they're afraid vs. just saying they're afraid.

hope this helps, good luck!

[TheRealMP]

Thanks, I appreciate your help a lot and once i get some more suggestions, im going to implement them all at once.

[nocuddletime]

I enjoyed it. Painted a good visual picture. Is this for a comic script? The only thing glaring I noticed was "I felt the saul slowly drain out of me" Is that supposed to be Soul?

[TheRealMP]

nope that was intentional and thank you. it is for my series that i would like to be a comic, but i'm not a very good artist so ill have to collab with someone.

[ninjageorge99]

I did some suggesting on the google document, hopefully you can see it. You've got a really great idea, the one thing I can say is to describe things more, as well as trying to add variety to your sentence structure. If you keep working with this great idea, it can become an amazing story.