I (re)wrote a scary story

[HGohwell]

I mean, it's not terrible, but it's not very natural. You have to think through implications because your readers take things even if you didn't. People rarely just take something just to look at, especailly something like a lighter. You don't have to explain why she has the lighter but consider the implication and how these could look depending on her age:

1. she's a smoker. The most common assumption for someone with a lighter. If she's young, she's a an underage smoker, which comes with lots of negative implications
2. she's a pyromaniac. The sort of thing that having a lighter for no reason and playing with it implies. A fascination with fire. Especailly if the lighter isn't a particularly ornate or interesting one.
3. needs a lighter for other people. My brother doesn't smoke, but works at a casino so constantly has to carry a lighter for customers. Or it belonged to someone else that she's holding it from like a keepsake.

These are the things your readers would take from her having a lighter, and in that order of likelihood. Reader don't look at things and assume there's no reason, especailly something. This is something that happens to the best of writers.

For instance, Haikyuu is one of the biggest manga/anime's out there. But even the author stumbles on this sort of thing. Two characters went to the same good, competitve middle school a few years apart, both were full of potential and hope and passion, and both left that school full of issues and complexes and struggling with themselves.This implies that the coach for that team isn't actually as good as the story said it is, but if a coach really is screwing up that many players by not managing the team properly, how is it still such a good team? This happened because Furudate was more interested in explaining the backstories of these two characters than thinking through the implications of those backstories taking place in the same school and what that says about the enviroment. Do you see how if you don't consider these things, readers will piece together the information in their own ways anyway leading to implication you might not want?

[Lensing]

What about this:

The mother is a smoker, she puts the lighter in her purse after lighting a cigarette.
Penelope and Carter find her purse and that´s how Penelope ends up with a lighter.
When you do it this way you can connect the events with each other because
it makes sense that the mother has a lighter and it also makes sense that they
find the purse.

It makes zero sense that Penelope starts with the lighter in her pocket to look at it

[KevinReijnders]

Also a good question to ask, what's the purpose of the lighter? Why would she be playing with it, does it play a bigger part in the story, does it tell us something about her character?

[JoshRaed]

It mainly exists so she can make a makeshift flamethrower, and mysteriously stare at it.

[IndigoShirtProd]

Does it have any other implications for her character? She's 12, so she's probably not a smoker, which is the main reason people have lighters. Does it belong to someone she knows or did she find it somewhere? And why is she starting at it mysteriously? Does it remind her of something?

[SleepingPoppy]

She’s a kid playing with a lighter. I think as long as it’s obvious in the visuals that she’s hiding it from her mom, it works fine.

[aqua03]

(post withdrawn by author, will be automatically deleted in 24 hours unless flagged)

[JoshRaed]

Wait what did you say that you deleted?

[aqua03]

I said that you should take all the criticism you go from this thread and use it to write another draft of your story so that things make more sense, but I deleted it because you keep sidestepping all the advice everyone else gives you or try to foist your responsibilities into others despite what you say to the contrary so I decided that my advice would again be wasted along with everyone else’s so I deleted it.

[JoshRaed]

So this is dumb, but... I genuinely prefer the idea of not knowing why Penny is staring at the lighter. Like I think her just having it and staring at it, then hiding it, just has a better vibe to it without some sort of context where we have to know why she was doing it.

[IndigoShirtProd]

You're right about it not really mattering why Penny has that lighter, but the reason some of us are hung up on that detail, and the bucket, and the bug spray is because they are all distracting details. They distract from the plot and characters. Instead of worrying about what will happen to these characters I'm still stuck wondering where that bucket came from.

And sure, there doesn't need to be a reason for Penny to have the lighter, but it would be so much more meaningful and impactful if the lighter meant something to her or had something special about it. It would just show that there was more than a little thought put into the story.

As it stands now, what kind of input/feedback were you looking for in the first place?

[JoshRaed]

I don't know, plot, characters, dialogue, things like that.

[IndigoShirtProd]

Okay, so the overall plot is fine. It's a pretty simple story, there's a significant lack of detail, of the locations and of the characters, that it makes things hard to follow. This may be a result of tis being a script for you alone to follow, but then again you are the one asking for feedback.

I'll tell you this, it's not very scary if that was one of your goals. Like in concept, this idea of spider people is pretty freaky, but aside from that, I don't get the fear or horror that would come from a scary story. The main reason for this, I think, is because were' not getting much from the characters in terms of dialogue or emotional decriptions.

Things are happening one after another with out pause; there's no flow. We don't get a brief moment of reflection until the very end of the story after all is said and done. And yes, the story may be short, but that doesn't give it an excuse to be rushed.

The two main characters, Penelope (Penny) and Carter don't really have personalities. You could argue that Carter is the coward and that Penny is the brave one, but there snisn't much supporting that other than Penny used a makeshift blowtorch and Carter ran away at some point in the story (but does that count since he ran into danger?)

Dialogue... 'Eh' is a I really have to say. It's servicable and surface level. And there isn't much else that I can say except that.

[JoshRaed]

And sure, there doesn't need to be a reason for Penny to have the lighter, but it would be so much more meaningful and impactful if the lighter meant something to her or had something special about it.

I have this idea where it was her dads or something but I can't make sense of how she'd end up with something her dad owned given the situation, and her dad factoring into the plot at all would just make it feel like he should be more important, when he doesn't fit anywhere into this.

I don't really have any other ideas. Like I could have seen myself potentially taking a lighter and lighting it in secret as a kid if I was less well behaved and more bold, but I don't know how to like fully explain why, or make that reasoning fit into the story without bluntly spelling it out.

[IndigoShirtProd]

It being her dad's is a great start, and it doesn't have to be anything more than that if you don't want it to. I was even thinking about it being an old lighter that doesn't light at the beingning when they'll all in the van, but it finally sparks when she tries to it as a flamethower. And then after she escapes the burning building,she can look at the lighter and say something along the lines of, "Thanks dad." And it doesn't ave to be anything more than that!

I think one of the things you as a writer need to learn is subtlety. For you and your stories, it's always black and white, either or, for you. Either there's not enough thought or information which leaves people confused as to what's going on or everything is written so plainly that it feels like you were unwilling to put more thought into how to portray certain pieces of information. Either you don't imply with character actions or dialogue why Carter would run away from his sister in a dangerous situation, or you feel the need to devote another scene as to why he would run away or you asume we're saying the moment needs to be cut like that would fix the issue with that scene.

[Lensing]

Why bring the dad in and make it complicated instead of just letting the mum be a smoker like
I suggested?

[SleepingPoppy]

One idea isn’t better than the other. If the dad thing fits OPs vision, it’s no big deal.

[SleepingPoppy]

I have this idea where it was her dads or something but I can't make sense of how she'd end up with something her dad owned given the situation,

By the way, is this story part of a series? I remember you talking about an episodic kind of monster of the week thing. If so, it can come up at another time that it’s the dad’s lighter- not everything has to be explained here if it comes up later.

Alternatively, Carter and Penny could have a hushed discussion at the start, akin it “Hey, you’re not supposed to have that/where did you find that?” “It was my dad’s. Leave me alone.” Brief and could be used to characterize a little more of their relationship?? (Obviously write the dialogue as would make the most sense, mines just a generic thing)

…I also still feel like the lighter doesn’t need an explanation, but giving one is an opportunity to add some depth and character stuff. Coupled with the “thanks dad” @IndigoShirtProd suggested will really make it feel full circle. =)

[JoshRaed]

Because the mom simply owning a lighter isn't like "the lighter is dramatically important" the way it belonging to her mysteriously absent father is, so that's what I brought up.

The implication was actually supposed to be that it was her moms lighter in the current version.

[Lensing]

Depends on the goal of the creator.
One idea is always better than the other when it leads to a better result.
I don´t decide @JoshRaed´s goals for their story.
I´m giving my opinion, knowing that this was supposed to be a short,
scary story. I´m trying to give my advice, like I tried to give advice on
multiple topics of @JoshRaed. It´s completely pointless to try that
because they don´t want advice