I rewrote chapter one of the comic I’m going to make

[JoshRaed]

I just realized the General would have no reason to show up but would make a lot of sense as someone who’s been there the whole time, and it would make the entire sequence flow better.

[IndigoShirtProd]

No, I'm only agreeing with @KevinReijnders on how convoluted and frustrating it can be to read your writing.

[JoshRaed]

I know. But if I write each event naturally instead of contrivedly Silea would not show up at all until 24 pages in, 6 entire months of webcomic, the story just goes like “BTW the main character has a sister who’s life goal is to kill her own father but pretends to be on the same side as the protagonist because he’s the key to killing the main villain like her best friend wants.” and that whole story would become a weird plot cul-de-sac. Unless I have Silea and Electra’s motivations be slowly revealed after they trick Orion into working with them, but I want the audience to be attached to the girls and root for their goals, not suspiciously theorize about what they’re doing and why.

[KevinReijnders]

No it doesn't actually. The animation is very minimal in this particular scene.

You can literally transcribe the dialogue as comic book speech bubbles and superimpose them in still images taken from this scene, and the core message remains intact. Sure, you won't have the music, but you can still convey everything you need in this scene without it.

Why I chose to link that scene, is because it's almost literally your intro. Dad shows young eager son the world. Dad teaches son about the rules of the world.

Why does that scene work better than yours? First off all, it's dialogue is believable between the characters. Second, it charactarizes the main character, shows he's very eager to be king and is pretty darn arrogant. Third, it blatantly states one of the core themes of the story, the balance of nature and how you as its caretaker must do all you can to maintain it.

You say you cannot put more thematic massaging in the dad's dialogue. Well, then you don't know the themes of your story well enough. You say he's just spouting propaganda, okay, the reader is literally reading page 1, they don't know that. If you're telling your story right, the reader will learn that not everything is as it seems. Hell, you can have the kid ask some piercing questions about the why and how. The dad can shut him down. Wow, suddendly there's a thematic massage in the dialoge.

Also, the thing you chose to completely ignore your writing is frustrating and confusion to read. Reading it, I was often not aware who was wearing what, where the characters were in relation to each other and the space they are in. I know that this is intended to be drawn, but even in script form you need some actual visual descriptors, something that sets the scene.

You simply cannot expect your readers to even begin to understand the nuances of your.story, if you cannot even manage to take them along the ride for it.

[abigaillmartin]

The first pages of your story could be getting to know the characters setting them up and who they are from the get go. Exposition dumps will bore the reader. Speaking from experience.

Elsie from the get go, we have steam powered train in the opening scene. Okay, the readers see we are in a different time with trains. Cool. We see Elsie getting up as she usually does but then she gets a call. “Hello. This is Elsie Carlisle. How may I be of service?” We learn she is a helpful kind of woman. We then see the kind of world she lives in. A pretty advanced turn of the century England.

Have your characters show their world to the audience. Let it be about the humanity of them. That’s how you have your story make a connection.

[JoshRaed]

I thought about it and I think I get where this scene could go instead. I didn’t want to make it dramatically longer but the general has a whole thing going for him about tradition and legacy and bloodlines and all that, and I could bring out some more of that in a new draft.

I actually explained every important characters outfit in every scene as part of the rewrite so I thought it would come across just fine.

I suppose I should explain the framing of each of these panels since guessing at what it could be each time as I just sort of make it up has been doing horribly for me so far.

[Lensing]

I agree and this is something I was missing in the story description, I read about grey and white areas, dark towers
without knowing what kind of world that is, futuristic, present time, middle ages, fantasy middle ages? + it was long.

What you described is exactly what I would want from a world description, not too long and some hints like the
steam powered train to imagine the world

[abigaillmartin]

Short, sweet and simple. Just as I like it. I have no experience writing in a novel format but comics are my strength. Writing my fanfiction Bound to be Together has taught me a lot.

I have written little novellas for my comics before like spin offs and such. That was in middle school and I was fresh out of English class writing them.

[abigaillmartin]

Use some imagery Josh. It’ll give a better idea of what is going on.

[IndigoShirtProd]

Well, then you don't know the themes of your story well enough.

Oh you're preaching to the choir. I remember when he first brought up to me that there was supposed to be a thematic slat in the story, an all I could think was: "Themes? There are themes in this story? When did that happen?"

but even in script form you need some actual visual descriptors, something that sets the scene.

Yes! Yes! Say it again for the people in the back!

You simply cannot expect your readers to even begin to understand the nuances of your.story, if you cannot even manage to take them along the ride for it.

And that my friend is the crux of the issue.

Exposition dumps will bore the reader.

I agree, but I also think that there are way to do "exposition dumps" with engaging the reader, i.e. framing the dump as a conversation, very much like in the lion king. That scene wasn't about telling the audience about the pride lands, it was about telling simba. The opening scene in my comic is technically all exposition, getting the reader up to speed on the situation at hand, but it's just characters talking amongst themselves, with a little of the dramatics. There are ways to do it.

without knowing what kind of world that is, futuristic, present time, middle ages, fantasy middle ages? + it was long.

I could tell you that the overall setting was in a state of flux, still kind of is.

[abigaillmartin]

Sure @IndigoShirtProd your example makes sense though.

[IndigoShirtProd]

Thanks, but yes, exposition dumps can be... awful

[abigaillmartin]

If they are just not done right and it’s just long boring unnecessary information. When it’s too much. No characters. Just long long long long lines of text. Too much!

[JoshRaed]

I don’t really know how to explain it. There’s magic and also futuristic tech and I guess there’s no specific time period I based it all on.

[JoshRaed]

I thought the floating islands on chains were a strong image.

[JoshRaed]

I was trying to make the exposition also like this, where it’s the dad explaining things to his child so we both know this information but also know that the main character was told he’s the chosen one since he was a child, which is relevant to understanding the story, and understanding that there is a dead zone because that’s an important plot point, and also make it clear that these characters had a positive relationship once and that it changed one day.

[IndigoShirtProd]

I was trying to make the exposition also like this

Emphasis on trying, because it doesn't come off as such. It doesn't read as a genuine conversation that they would be having. Probably because it just happens, and there's no lead in or anything to the conversation. In lion king, simba wakes mufasa up because mufasa told him they were going on a walk together that morning (if I'm remembering correctly). In my comic, one of the characters is coming back from a search, prompting the opening conversation. There's context. There's not even a semblance of context given in your opening, not by the characters and not by the world building.

An then on top of that the setting is poorly explained, which wouldn't matter if you weren't asking others to look at your writing. Even after all this time, I get the grey zone, dead zone, and dark zone confused because they're poorly described and have no clear logistical relationship to each other. Yes, you have shown me a map, but even in that map, the grey zone and dead zone are not clearly delineated.

main character was told he’s the chosen one since he was a child

It's actually not important that Orion has been told that he's the chosen one since childhood, just that he thinks and was told so before the story begins. Now, it can add more depth to his character that he's been thinking this since childhood, but he gets his mind changed relatively quickly later on; he doesn't spend that much time fighting back against the notion that he is not the chosen one. Like he's upset, resistant even, but not devasted, not in denial, not debilitated. nothing too dramatic.

understanding that there is a dead zone because that’s an important plot point

Yea, but again that's not clear here because the landscape is poorly explained and the area isn't named in script. Not by a character and not by a label.

also make it clear that these characters had a positive relationship once and that it changed one day.

That's probably the most clear thing in this scene, but that's still not saying much. They don't even really have a conversation, with a back an forth. If you watch the scene with simba and mufasa, there's play in their dialogue. There's no stiffness, it's short, and simba contributes more to what is being said than what Orion contributes with his father. Orion asks four questions, one of which is repeated, makes two comments, and doesn't make any observations that lead the conversations anywhere other than where the general was leading. Oh, and we get practically no personality from Orion. He's just eager, not eager and arrogant, not eager but inquisitive, not eager and overzealous, just eager. And eager isn't much of a personality trait.

[abigaillmartin]

There above the clouds was a huge stone floating. It was dotted with white buildings, smoke puffing from them. In the center was a giant stronghold where the king lived watching over all his people. Chains fell as the drawbridge opened with warriors on strong horses set out into the town crying out, “The beast is coming near! Hurry inside!” The townspeople scurried into their abodes as a huge thunderous scaled beast cast its shadow over the town.

Arrows fling at the beast as it roared and a man with long black hair shouted, “No! Don’t shoot! This dragon is only just looking for her baby!” The man with long back hair and a grizzly beard had a shiny purple orb in his hand. This was the dragon’s egg and the man approached the dragon with a calm demeanor. The man stretched forth his hand to the beast as he met eyes with it. The young dragon mother had stopped huffing so hard as the egg had begun to crack. To the surprise of all the kings men, the sound of the baby dragon’s little roar had softened all of them. With a smile the man with the grizzly beard held the newborn dragon in his arms and gave it to his mother. The dragon then few away with her baby tucked into her mouth and the man watched as she flew away.

[abigaillmartin]

I made that up on the spot. Fantasy is not my strongest genre, but I thought that was pretty good.

[abigaillmartin]

Great. Now I want to make him a dnd character. I’ll call him General Firiam! Who else plays dnd here? It helps with my creativity and it’s just plain fun!