I rewrote chapter one of the comic I’m going to make

[JoshRaed]

The chosen one part 1

What do you think? Does the story come off better than last time? Do the world and characters make more sense now?

[IndigoShirtProd]

It's hard to make a response here, since I beta read for you, but I do want to see what others will comment on. I will say this, there have been... many changes.

[JoshRaed]

I never noticed but I did replace almost every story scene, and scenes which are the same got rewritten to fit the characters, relationships, and worldbuilding better.

Do you think this version works better than the previous one?

[IndigoShirtProd]

If I have any thoughts, I'll tell you in private.

[Lensing]

Very wordy and confusing world description, light area, gray, dark tower etc.

The flashback 11 years ago is like:
explaination why the villain wants to destroy the world = just because he was born like that
the hero asks when he can start, the father says soon, no further explaination

Present time:
Action

[JoshRaed]

What do you mean by further explanation? What do you need to know that I never answered?

[Lensing]

There is literally no explaination at all

Past 11 years ago
"Why is the villain trying to destroy this world?"
"He was born like that"
"I´m chosen, when can I start?"
"Wait"
Present:
Action

[JoshRaed]

So that explanation is supposed to be the version of events the protagonist believes from a young age, to later be contradicted, but the actual truth would be a major twist so he can’t know any of the real stuff until later. The villain was not born that way, and this actually matters quite a lot to the narrative, and the main hero is not the chosen one either. How do I handle this without making the story look boring and poorly thought out?

[KevinReijnders]

You don't really need to explain the "why" of the villain at the start. The problem is mostly that the introduction is a set of kinda dull exposition.

I like the idea of contrasting the young eager hero in the intro with the more mature skilled version in the next, stuff like that works imo.

It's just that the scene itself is not well written.

For example, you describe the father's outfit and then say "he" is wearing a black shirt and jeans (or something like that). It was only after reading ahead that I knew you meant the son.

Your writing is all over the place and things just seem to happen without any sort of set-up or prior description. Tbh, I didn't even finish reading the whole thing because of how frustrating it was to read

[Lensing]

Why do you tell the story of the not chosen one?

[JoshRaed]

I thought it was an interesting idea.

[Lensing]

And it can be an interesting idea but imagine that I know nothing about the backstory and the world
you created. I read the grey and black area and a black tower and then someone who thinks
he is chosen, the general saying that the villain is born like that and then you give me the info that it´s
not like that in the story. It´s confusing

[JoshRaed]

This sequence is dull exposition, but I don’t know how what to do to make it more engaging. It used to be even less interesting, because there was no dead zone boat, they were just at home doing nothing while this happened. Like I can’t think of a fun fresh and interesting way that you could have a this guy tell his child a story about the world, and to explain these basic story details, unless I dramatically expand this whole sequence which supposed to be a precursor to the actual story. But I have to draw all of this with my limited abilities and focus, and every seven panels is another week if I don't get distracted or have too much else going on in my life, and this chapter has six different important characters to introduce already.

How would you make this information more interesting to read?

[JoshRaed]

Most of it is still true though, it's just a biased version of events.

[KevinReijnders]

[Lensing]

Ok then my answer to your above question

What do you think? Does the story come off better than last time? Do the world and characters make more sense now?

is it doesn´t make any sense without context

[JoshRaed]

How would I make this work in my own story? Animation and music are off the table, there's no thematic depth you can imbue the general's words when he's supposed to be speaking propaganda about how this stuff happened.

[KevinReijnders]

No, I think the best way to do your story is to pitch it to Disney and get them to do a full animated feature. /s

[IndigoShirtProd]

Tbh, I didn't even finish reading the whole thing because of how frustrating it was to read

Yea, I second that

[JoshRaed]

I know you weren’t suggesting all that, but i’m saying it’s one of the main things that makes that scene better than my scene, how it moves and sounds. It wouldn’t be as interesting if it didn’t have that music and animation going for it.

The main thing I meant was the point of the scene thematically.