Is it weird to love a friend more than your S/O...?

[DokiDokiTsuna]

So a bit of background: I was thinking of a pair of characters I'm writing. They've been friends since childhood, very close; each would gladly give up their life for the other.

I really do think they're soulmates...just not romantic ones (there is/was romance between them, but unfortunately it's one-sided ^^; )

So after the confession/rejection part of their character arc comes about, and their relationship settles into the purely platonic realm, I was thinking of giving the former 'pining' character another romantic partner.

It probably won't last (he has an unfortunate penchant for attracting only people who want to abuse him...it's a comedy, though; don't worry about it~) but I was thinking...if in fact he did find someone else, I'd be hard pressed to say that their love would be stronger than that between him and his aforementioned soulmate. =/

But is that weird? ^^; I mean, it'd be one thing if the 'soulmate' was a sibling; societal perception holds familial love in pretty high regard. Friends, however...there's a reason people say someone is "just a friend". As if it's inherently lesser than romance...

Or maybe this is a bad question? Like, maybe comparing two strong forms of love in that way isn't really...fair, I guess?? I don't know...I've always been able to rank the affection between myself and the people in my life very easily, if you know what I'm getting at. XD I don't know if I'll ever need to answer this question for myself, but it's interesting to think about.

[rajillustration]

Short answer, yes, it is weird to love a friend more than your S/O, at least if it were me. The way I view romantic love, your S/O is your best friend. Not saying that always happens, because no relationship is perfect, and you can't fully know the person you are dating. But I also don't really believe in the notion of soulmates anyway. You have to work hard to make your S/O your 'soulmate' and...sometimes that just doesn't work out for whatever reason...but working that hard to make something work, is so much more work than just having a platonic friend. It's about where you put your time and energy.

So in this case the friend who was rejected who dates someone else, would be showing that they've moved on from their friendship and that they have a new best friend in whoever they're dating. Or at least, that's how I'd interpret it.

[HGohwell]

Friends, however...there's a reason people say someone is "just a friend". As if it's inherently lesser than romance...

I always actually really hate this. The idea that romantic love is more important is kinda why we end up with trope like people abandoning all their friends for the person they love. I hate the stories where the main character is made to choose between their best friend and their love interest (in a none bad guy threatening them or romantic way, just an every day they don't get on). A best friend shouldn't make them say them or the love interest and neither should the love interest outside of abusive situations. (And I feel like the idea that romantic love is the pinnacle of love and affection is why ace/aro people feel like broken sometimes.)

Or maybe this is a bad question? Like, maybe comparing two strong forms of love in that way isn't really...fair, I guess??

I think this is more the thing. It's different. More isn't really the right way of looking at it. It's an apples and oranges kinda situation, I think and which is more of a fruit. In the same way familial love is different but still often considered ridiculously strong and we all know the whole "a mother's love is the most powerful thing in the world" tropes. So is it weird for a mother to pick her kids over her partner? It's different and would depend on the situation but all can be strong.

if in fact he did find someone else, I'd be hard pressed to say that their love would be stronger than that between him and his aforementioned soulmate. =/

For the specific case, if it's not meant to last, then I think it's definitely fine. Especially since they've known each other since kids. They're going to have inside jokes, and memories and just a different level of familiarity with each other.

Less specifically, I don't see any problem with them having a strong platonic relationship and a romantic relationship. In fact, I encourage it. It's healthy to have strong relationships outside of your S/O. You have different jokes with your best friend, you get each other in a different way, you can go to them when you're having troubles with you S/O (where do you go if you break up if you've got no one else you're close to?). If you're writing an opposite attracts romance, then what's wrong with having a best friend who's more like the MC? A goof to be dumb with while the love interest is more reserved. A more reserved person for the MC to be quiet with while the love interest is more bubbly. Ideally, a best friend should balance the love interest. I love writing super close friendships and romances. It just has to be done carefully or it becomes a love triangle, of course.

[thedude3445]

Real life is so complicated that this question is probably not answerable. In stories, however, it's a good source of tension--the pull between a strong romantic love and a strong platonic friendship, when it happens to be two separate people.

[uglygirlnextdoor]

You just finish describing my relationship with my partner. We meet as teens, we fall in love and dated, and he broke up with me. We stayed friends, best friends actually. Each one dated other people and sometimes, something could happen. He falls in love with a girl. Seriously in love and I couldn't stand it. Needed to move on, so for 4 years, we didn't speak.

Once I started seeing again other people having other relationships, we started to talk again, only as friends. I eventually meet the guy I would marry... and then divorce. Meet even someone else... and it made some years I was not talking to by a best friend, he sent me a mail, asking to drink coffee, We didn't even remember why we stop talking. And we started to hang out... each time a bit more. Until the boyfriend, I had at the time broke up with me coz said I was cheating with my best friend (I wasn't just to let that clear).

I send him a text "It's over" he replied he would come to my flat with wine if I cooked... We Drank too much, and we end up sleeping together and it was perfect. In the morning when I woke up I thought he is gonna say it was a mistake and all that jazz is gonna happen again. He stayed. He came back every day.... and 7 years after we are still together. He is still my best friend, but he is also my partner, one of my strongest pillars in life.

I loved him since I am 15... I am 36, the love you feel for someone can change. It can become sexual, platonic, romantic, or just love. But it would be unreal for me to have a friend that I would put before him. And I was married, but he always would come first, so I think my story gives you the answer you seek.

[thedude3445]

Gosh, that story's plotted like a dang movie. I would love to read a book that follows this exact story pattern lol

[uglygirlnextdoor]

Due to depression I am actually writing my life story for my therapist, We had to stop due to the fact that it was emotionally stabilizing me. My bf told me to turn into a book, maybe when i finish The Circle of Light and darkness I could tell my actually story.

[AliceHoffmannArt]

I don't think it would be weird at all the way you describe the relationships.
And honestly pretty refreshing because I don't think this is a part of most plots I've encountered. :3

[DiegoPalacios]

Friendship is seen as more unconditional than romance (at least before marriage). However, the way the affection is expressed is expected to be more intense in a romantic relationship. Anyway, some friends are reeeeeeally close in a platonic way, and in some cases it can even be mistaken by romance.

as @HGohwell both are different kind of dynamics, so is unfair to call a friendship as something less than a romance (specially when a couple just started dating)

Scrubs nailed it by exagerating the closeness in a comedic way.

Here is an example of the best friends seeing each other again after one of them had their honeymoon

[Carossmo]

It is interesting to think about~

Currently the main characters from my webcomic are soulmates but are platonic partners. Though so far none of them have any romantic relationships because they don't wanna date anyone.

I think friends can be soulmates too.. Heck I think even a dog too based on my research lol but it's just a little sad to think that "just" friends is a low ranking, mainly because I value friendship more than romance.

[HGohwell]

Scurbs is such a great example of a close guy friendship and how to write a bromance without wandering into romance subtext (I mean there's jokes but it generally doesn't). I wish more shows handled close friendships, especially close male friendships in this sorta way without the whole "guys who show affection to each other might be gay" subtext. How I Met Your Mother also has some great friendships with married couples in it too if your ignore the Ted and Robin bit.

[domisotto]

Honestly, in the late teens-early twenties, friends or lovers were pretty much the same. There is absolutely not enough books covering familial or camaraderie love vs romantic one.

[cherrystark]

I am a firm believer that lovers should be friends. A lot of true love pairings that I've read, I question if the couple actually likes each other. Those couples fight A lot only to make up dramatically, but can I see them making Costco runs together or 3am trips to McDonald's, absolutely not.

I'm not sure I believe in the idea of romantic soul mates. There are just so many variables about those types of relationships. I do believe in platonic/sibling soul mates. I've known tons of best friends who truly love each other and would do anything for each other, which is what the traditional definition of soulmate usually covers.

I think the big difference is how you treat both relationships. If both relationships are respected and don't try to overwhelm the other, it's fine. I've always felt bad for the significant other when their partner values their bestie's opinion over theirs.