Reading this script over, it took me a bit to figure out who Autumn and Oki were, but that's more so from how I write scripts. I usually would have a quick brief to orient reviewers to who is who. For my own uses and I hope I got this right or the rest of this review is not going to make any sense:
Autumn: a weremouse and protagonist in the story
Oki: a werefox in love with Autumn
I'll go panel by panel for this one.
Panel 1:
- The "In a world" is common and trope-y and I love it personally. Then again, I love using tropes.
- I wonder if instead of a world map, have an establishing shot of the scene with our focal characters. If I see where the characters are more locally rather than a world map, I get a better idea on setting and aesthetic compared to a map. Maps are great for lore dumps, but for a hook? These panels are important and it's best to communicate the most important bits first and foremost.
- I almost want to reword that second text box, but I don't think my revisions would add anything. It's more how I would word it to my tastes. Something simple like "One little weremouse is proposed to", but that's my quirks coming in, don't stress about it.
Panel 2:
- I'd revise this as "Autumn reacts surprised, a faded brown field mouse stands behind or above her. Oki is on his knees proposing to Autumn with a faded red fox is beside him." just for clarity.
- Other than that, I like this panel a lot. It's clear and concise. This is a panel you can give a lot of visual information.
- Continuing my quirk in writing, I would continue with "...by a werefox???". There's only one more bit I would change the text to and it's super minor.
Panel 3:
- No changes. This is another selling panel, really hit those emotions!
Panel 4:
- Text quirk first this time around! The whole dialogue is: [ In a world where marriages are literally forever / one little weremouse is proposed to / ...by a werefox??? / Of course she would run away! ]. There a number of different ways to end it, depending on how you two are planning on taking the story. For example "She will run, right?" or "But can she run forever?" or even "But, is she?". Again, writing quirks are all just "this is how I would do it", this isn't gospel, just how I'm interpreting the story.
- I would short hand the snapping as "SFX: Snap!" just to make it easier on anyone script/storyboard readers.
In all:
- Just a few minor tweaks. Honestly, the biggest change is that first panel while the second and third panel is essentially ideal. I think this is a good way to hook potential readers. I'm always of the camp of "hit readers hard and fast to get them hooked". Something I wish I did better in my own works, but we learn and keep moving.
- I'd also make sure you write down how you want the panels shown, like how any given shot in movies or TV is taken. Where is the "camera" supposed to be? It really helps artists and writers stay on the same page if the scene is as clear as possible. Best example would be that final panel. Are we seeing Oki from the front, side or back? Is it at an angle, or is it leveled? If you have a vision of the scene, write it down. If you wanted the artist to have free reign and they get to pick how each shot looks, that's fantastic. Be sure to write it down so everyone's on the same page.
- Hopefully you can find more perspective because, of course, I'm only one pair of eyes who's interests and influences may not really align. Don't take any of my words for gospel. But if anything stuck out or resonated, talk it over and see what you two can come up with.
...also sorry for the essay, I kinda started to enjoy the review. Hope at least some of it helped!
