Hello! @Aubergine I’d love to do a exchange. I’m currently on my first draft of my call to action contest entry. I wanted to get as much feedback as possible before the writing the second draft. Here’s the script: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10nTi95I_J-Buoq-1Ozkp9VhRN0ub-MNkIkNvAdKVf2Q/edit4.
I’ll read the first half and get back to you (writing the pros & cons). I hope I am of help.
I'm in for it--
I generally know the faults in the earlier episodes so I'm really looking for feedback in the later episodes. But, choose to read whatever you'd like
this sounds like a great idea! I've been trying to figure out if the big reveal of the first half of my book actually makes sense or not/doesn't feel as if it was done just because I could. Even though it's a lot of writing, I'd really appreciate it if you could read it, if not then thanks anyways and a simple feedback/comment is fine 
I'll read as much of yours as I can as well, and I'll comment on this post after 
I've read until around 1.2 and I'm very pleased with the writing. It flows well and it feels like I'm watching a movie (which is perfect). I'm a bit confused about the prologue and how the main story with Eliza and Alexander is gonna go. The names remind me of Hamilton too, I don't know if it was on purpose but I like it either way.
When it comes to views, I feel like it might be either because of tapas forums if you have done a lot of update posts or new authors posts. Sometimes when doing that, people will only look at the first few and then not the others, so views go down drastically. It also just could be that the readers who found your work haven't gotten to read the rest yet, and it will just take time for the views to trickle down to the other episodes.
Either way, it's good writing. I wouldn't be too worried :))
Thank you! I'll look forward to what you think of Persona.
Since the weekend is coming up I'll be sure to go through your draft and get back to you too. Is there anything in particular that you'd like me to keep an eye out for? Or were you looking to get an overall impression?
I'm always down for a big reveal hehe. Completely relate to your problem too - sometimes I get so attached to the idea in my head that I refuse to acknowledge that it no longer works and just shoehorn it in. I'll get through it over the weekend and let you know what I think!
Thanks for your feedback too. You managed to spot my concern with the start of the story - I intended for it to seem unrelated at the beginning but was thinking that the reason the viewership dropped could be because readers might feel like it's a bait & switch since the change is abrupt.
The Hamilton reference is entirely unintentional, but now I'll be taking credit for it 
Hello! Thank you for taking the time to review my script.
Since it’s a short script I was wondering if you could review
-the pacing
-dialogue
-How engaged were you? (Did it leave off with you wanting more?)
-Was there anything hard to understand?
- Any suggestion on writing scripts in general
———————-
So far I review your story up to chapter 3 and as for the narrative and writing quality nothing is wrong with it. It has very creative description and good use of vocabulary. Overall after the prologue, the flow of the story is very good. You don’t have to worry about your writing ability.
What I think the problem is with on why the audience drops the story after chapter 1.1 is the correlation between the detail (the description/tag line of the story) and your first two chapters (prologue and 1.1). I review this from an audience point of view so the first thing I looked at was the detail/description.
“Distracted from a burgeoning romance by a sudden revelation, she sets off on a search for answers in the dark. To protect everything she cherishes, how big must this web of lies get?
But the secrets she finds are more sinister than expected, and danger is closer than anyone thinks. Bound by the threads of her creation, is there a chance of a happily ever after?”
It’s very mysterious and well written but it’s too elusive and is dancing around a lot of the plot. What I get from the description on the first read is a girl gets a sudden revelation that makes her go off to seek answers but it’s more dangerous than she thought. We are missing key details like who is this girl, why should we care about her, where is the setting, etc.
Since the description is vague your going into the story blind. Then you go to the first part of the story the prologue which has no connection to the first chapter. After reading 1.1 then you get a sense of the story but maybe people weren’t looking for a story like that. That’s why people are dropping after 1.1. The best thing to do (I would suggest) is to fix the description because then people wouldn’t be confused even if the prologue doesn’t match the beginning because we the audience know what is in store for the novel.
Hey there! I’m reading your story now, and I like some of the details you have at the beginning but then it gets kind of wanky with your words on certain parts.
Check out my webtoon and give me your thoughts
That's an extensive review! I appreciate the fact that you read so far since I know how wordy it can be haha. You've confirmed my suspicions too - the description was something I thought would be too vague. I'll definitely take what you've said into consideration.
As for the script - I enjoyed the start of the story and considering the fact that it's short, I think you did well with the introduction of the characters. The only thing that threw me off was that around panel 108 Demi seems to be alive and well (I might have missed the shot of her bleeding from being hurt?) but is bleeding out at the end. If you already accounted for this, then ignore what I've said haha.
Oh, I also liked the fact that Demi took the demon on lol. Was not expecting that; it was a good touch.
All in all, I'd say the script is good. The action is easy to understand and I think you've come up with a solid idea that works in a short format. It's good that there aren't any lengthy diatribes because it would take up space on your panels.
Good luck with your submission!
Hello there! I had a read of your comic up to chapter 24 and I really liked it! It's clear that the art has improved and I'm noticing more variety with your panels. The dialogue is fun without being too much of an info dump and I like the personality your characters have. It's also a pretty interesting story!
The only thing I would mention is that it would be great if you had the sounds for things happening 'off-screen'. When the characters turn around at the sound of something happening it feels a bit abrupt because there's no warning. Other than that, great work!
Thank you! I'm currently reading yours and I'm finished with chapter 1. Will be reading more tonight after Memorial Day shenanigans are over!
Thank you for the feedback and kind words!
Yeah for the explanation on Demi bleeding I plan to add a panel where you do see her bleeding but It’s up to the audience to pay attention. (I just realized I never wrote that detail in the script sorry for the confusion).
Good luck to you as well!
Just saw this forum and was hoping someone would review swap with me, I've got a story that I think is great, but not sure anyone else feels the same, I was hoping someone would give me some criticism so that I can see the errors in my chapters and improve on them, I will definitely do the same for anyone who agrees to review swap with me with the chapter limit of reviewing being five max.
https://m.tapas.io/series/Agents-of-Salvation/info3
Sure, I'll give it a try. I'll review your story and leave some feedback comments.
I have the same problem with my story, until chapters four, five or six where the views go down.
I understand it's not for everyone, but my story builds slowly and then the cheese hits the fan fast. I wouldn't change it. It was meant to be written that way. Cheers.
Hey I know this is a late response since according to this post saying it was 3 days ago, I got wind of it and will gladly subscribe and check out your series, my series is getting a little bit of attention now from 7 subscribers, but I'll gladly review your series and see what you got.
Hi! I promise I didn't forget! I'm just about up to chapter 3. I'm really digging it so far. I don't normally get grabbed by novels, but this ones grabbing me. I was a little confused by the shop scene in the second chapter, I had to read it a couple times to figure out what was going on. I think the conversation flow was a bit hard to follow.
Your world building so far is great though, I like the whole isekai magic/technology mashup you have going on
closed Jul 11, '22
