Hello! Thank you for taking the time to review my script.
Since it’s a short script I was wondering if you could review
-the pacing
-dialogue
-How engaged were you? (Did it leave off with you wanting more?)
-Was there anything hard to understand?
- Any suggestion on writing scripts in general
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So far I review your story up to chapter 3 and as for the narrative and writing quality nothing is wrong with it. It has very creative description and good use of vocabulary. Overall after the prologue, the flow of the story is very good. You don’t have to worry about your writing ability.
What I think the problem is with on why the audience drops the story after chapter 1.1 is the correlation between the detail (the description/tag line of the story) and your first two chapters (prologue and 1.1). I review this from an audience point of view so the first thing I looked at was the detail/description.
“Distracted from a burgeoning romance by a sudden revelation, she sets off on a search for answers in the dark. To protect everything she cherishes, how big must this web of lies get?
But the secrets she finds are more sinister than expected, and danger is closer than anyone thinks. Bound by the threads of her creation, is there a chance of a happily ever after?”
It’s very mysterious and well written but it’s too elusive and is dancing around a lot of the plot. What I get from the description on the first read is a girl gets a sudden revelation that makes her go off to seek answers but it’s more dangerous than she thought. We are missing key details like who is this girl, why should we care about her, where is the setting, etc.
Since the description is vague your going into the story blind. Then you go to the first part of the story the prologue which has no connection to the first chapter. After reading 1.1 then you get a sense of the story but maybe people weren’t looking for a story like that. That’s why people are dropping after 1.1. The best thing to do (I would suggest) is to fix the description because then people wouldn’t be confused even if the prologue doesn’t match the beginning because we the audience know what is in store for the novel.