As a gay man, I think there is a whole other issue with the sentence "if your gay story makes the gays uncomfortable you are doing something wrong" in its self.
The problem here is that within the community itself - at least that's my experience when talking about it - there is the same generalisation going on that non LGBTQ people "from the outside" practice. Putting the taste of a whole community which is based on something so vague and (ideally) diconnected from personality like sexuality. (The thing I am refering here to is gay men, which I believe to be the most represented part of the community, to a big part probably thanks to the straight yaoi fanbase you described. When it comes to other underrepresented groups within the queer community, then I can't speak off them.)
For me, I really like typical yaoi. I love the romanticised look on it - I love stories in which people fall in love and just... become happy together. I love that. And which stories I enjoy or not are rarely connected to the type of "good" or "bad" representation. Mostly honestly on story and how attractive I find the involved parties. And when someone tries to tell me they are bad and inaccurately presenting a sub-group, I often can't help to be annoyed at the arrogance to tell me how I want to see myself portrayed or how my homosexuality should dictate what works of fictions I should be allowed to enjoy.
No. Fuck you.
I once saw a Youtube video by some guy - and he talked about how ignoring acts of discrimination and stigmatisation in gay stories (which is typical of yaoi where societal problems are either largely ignored or simply glanced at) is invalidating the community or something to that degree.
I don't like nitty gritty real stories about active discrimination against gay men, at least most of the time. I go into different stories with a different mindset. I wouldn't read Art Spiegelmann's Maus with the same motivation as an old Mickey Mouse comic.
When I want to read something romantic, I don't want all this real life issues in a story. I want to read something that proves to me that love prevails and will defeat anything, because I really think that.
There is also one reason why I don't usually enjoy gay romance stories written by actual gay men, even though they themselves should be and ARE the authority on representation.
Maybe it is just the case that I haven't read enough, but a trend I have encountered is that when written by gay men, actual sex plays a far greater roll then when a younger straight female group writes it. Needless to say, I prefer the romantic, safer kind of stories. When I want to see people fucking I read/watch porn.
Another problem I have with the kind of representation often seen as good, accurate or progressive is that it often comes down to the perfect little faggot, to say it bluntly. I hate that - yet that's a very common trope for some stupid reason, I feel like. The best example would be all those people who scream bad representation of the gays at Hazbin Hotel. And why? Because the openly gay character was fucking INTERESTING! But he was an asshole, no, we can't have that.
This whole idea of respectful representation has led to the idea that people of a certain minority can't be anything other than the victim in any case. The flaws they have are purely sympathetic flaws most of the time, like depression or trauma, which are things that - in my opinion - don't ground a character well. There was at least one case in the show RWBY in which the writers decided to not make one character out themselves in episode, because there were kind of a dick and not so nice. If I am completely honest, I think this is way worse than the villain queer coding that went on in old Disney movies.
If good representation means boring, I think I would rather not be represented.
And this whole don't represent US like this - no. Please don't just think you can patronize the whole community because you are gay. Not a single gay man on earth can say anything that will please everyone, because people are to diverse for that.
The same sexuality or identity does not equal same personality or opinions! That goes in both directions and it annoys me everytime.
I hate it when people think I think something because other gay men think it, and I hate it when my straight friends take me as an example and think that because something is okay and fine with me, that means no other gay will take offence or something.
I thin it's especially bad when straight cis people or whoever get offended on my behalf for anything gay related. I had a guy I know tell me that the term for gay was too vulgar to say, that it was a term of insult and it should not be used to describe gay people - so he said homosexual. I don't like that word in normal conversation - Are you h o m o s e x u a l? is a horrible question, makes it sound like a disease. I told I am just gay and I didn't like the word - but in his trial to not be discriminatory it just turned into patronization and basically told me that he knows better how to treat the group I am a part of than me.
That's a whole different thing - I don't think there can be complete represesantation of any group based on something like this. Because who are you to tell me how I want what I stand for to be represented?
I want evil people, just downright unsympathetic people who are gay in my stories - and without this whole "We need to show the good as well!!1!" stuff. I know queer people who just... suck.
There are two people in my life I hate, and one of them is a bisexual woman. She has a character I despise. Why the hell should people like her anyway because she is a sexual minority?
The whole idea that every person of any group in a fictional story is seen as a representation of the whole group is what bugs me. I think that's what should be taught - not always show the best side.
Sexuality is not directly linked to personality. Except for boring people.
People can be assholes.
Let people in stories be assholes, please.
(Also, the way the first person said how homo isn't used as a normal conversatinal adjective - it is. Maybe not where you are and with the people you have contact with, which is totally fine and understandable - but I use it with other gay people, also because the usage of words like this are different depending on the cultural room. The fact that a common term for same sex marriage in Germany is simply "Homo Marriage" does not mean it's a form of aggression or supression or anything. It's just the term, used by gays and straights alike. Again, not everybody of course.
But when two people out of a hundred think something is bad or offensive - maybe don't simply take their word as gospel. And even if half of a group dislike something - the other half can still think it's good, great even!
We (yes I know I wrote earlier that I don't like the term, but - simplicity's sake) need to remember that we ourselve WITHIN the minority we are, are still a minority. The fact that someone doesn't see an issue with something you find problematic or may even see it in a positive lighting does not mean this person is delusional. It means they just have a different world view and view of themselves with different priorities.
(Also, depending on with what you take an issue - maybe the real problem is that you should just grow a backbone.)
Don't think you can speak for everyone of your gender or your sexuality. Please don't.