Looking for constructive criticism and a way to fix it

[crypt101]

Hello I'm a newbie writer, so sorry in advance if there are problems in my writing. Please give me constructive criticism and way to fix it. Here is my writing. Thank you in advance.

This is a story about me, a Neet with nothing to lose or so I thought. I, Ryder Stark age 22, Jobless, lives in Dhaka with my family, graduated from High School, became a Shut-In Neet after High School. I am your everyday neet, gamer, *otaku you name it I am that, not proud of it but still happy about it. But my life changed one day.
(Otaku: I person how likes mangas, animes, games, figurines, etc. For more info search "otaku" in google)

Ryder: Ahhh damn f**k shit why the internet isn’t working. I should search online on how to fix it .... Huh! The page isn’t working, I should check my phone "Error site isn’t working". Damn there is no internet. What to do? What to do? Well, I'll sleep early today. Usually the protagonists in mangas when this happens to them something great happens like they get *isekaied or get an op skill or cheat skills, it usually happens to the protagonist will it happen with me too " YAWN" well what the heck "SYSTEM OPEN", huh? sudden I feel really tired, can see something but It's blurry.

"slowly eyelids gets heavy and shuts down. "

(Isekied or Isekai: A person how travels to an another world)

Ryder: "YAWN" I never felt this energized hehe maybe I'll play the heck of FUBG today and be the lord in it. Hahahahahaha huh? What the heck is this?

In front of Ryder there is a window saying "Congratulations! First one to open Vork in this country, as a reward you get the title 'The first Vorker' with this title you get 'double stat points', 'double experience points', and 'double reward', permanent effect".

Ryder: What the heck? I might be dreaming. I should stop watching and reading anything with the game like mangas, manhuas or manhwas It's distorting my reality, I should take a shower and freshen up that'll fix it.

“Water rushing down sound"

As he does what he mentioned, he sees the window following him around wherever he fixes his gaze upon. It was bothering him a lot so much so he rushes out for a morning stroll, as he passes by his mother, father and sister, as they were astounded to see him going to out on his own without any pressure, they are in an awe. Whatsoever this doesn’t change the fact what Ryder is facing, the dilemma his facing right now could change his future for better or for worse, it will depend on his next course of action.

Ryder: ha ha what is happening? Why won't it go away? Am I having a psychological breakdown? Calm down you, get it together, your much stronger than this. There should be a park around the corner, I'll take breather there. "DING" "DING" "DING"

"EMERGENCY QUEST" "FAILURE TO COMPLETE THIS QUEST WILL BE DEATH".

[Drewbie]

So I'm kind of confused as to what you want for someone to do. Do you want some tip to put this into novel form? Or are you looking for script writers to look this over and help since this looks more like a stage play script

[crypt101]

Some tips for improvement on this novel.

[darthmongoose]

Is this the actual text of the novel? It's written like a script or a forum RP. So I'd fix it to not be written in script format as the highest priority change.

The English grammar needs improvement. I'd advise reading more books to pick up on the patterns of written English. For example, If the thing being described is plural with an s on the end, like eyelids, then the adjective following shouldn't also be plural, so it should be "my eyelids get heavy", not "my eyelids gets heavy". There are a lot of places where sentences run on too long and it's hard to follow what's happening.

It's sometimes hard to follow what's happening because sometimes the protagonist is saying things in reaction to something, but there's no description of what actually happened. For example:

"well what the heck "SYSTEM OPEN", huh? sudden I feel really tired, can see something but It's blurry."

What is he reacting to here? Does something somewhere say "SYSTEM OPEN"? Where is this text? On his phone, his computer? Is it in his brain? Did a voice say it? You need to be clear. The reader can't read your mind and there are no images to help give context.

So my main advice is to work hard on improving your written English, especially grammar and punctuation.

[Kelheor]

All that @darthmongoose wrote

Ahhh damn f**k shit why the internet isn’t working. I should search online on how to fix it .... Huh! The page isn’t working, I should check my phone "Error site isn’t working". Damn there is no internet. What to do? What to do? Well, I'll sleep early today.

Why. Is he. Narrating. Everything? People don't narrate everything in real life =) Learn to actually describe what is happening, there's a rule in writing/comic-making/movies, etc. "Show, don't tell." Show us that the internet doesn't work, show how MC reacts (he is annoyed, scratching his head or whatever), show what's going on on the screen or wherever he sees all the System Open things.

[IndigoShirtProd]

This is a story about me, a Neet with nothing to lose or so I thought. I, Ryder Stark age 22, Jobless, lives in Dhaka with my family, graduated from High School, became a Shut-In Neet after High School. I am your everyday neet, gamer, *otaku you name it I am that, not proud of it but still happy about it. But my life changed one day.(Otaku: I person how likes mangas, animes, games, figurines, etc. For more info search "otaku" in google)

In this one paragraph alone, you reiterated to the reader that your character is a neet three times. That's unnecessary repetition. You only need to mention once that the character is a neet and give an explanation on what that means. But if you are going to explain what a phrase mean, I would recommend against doing it like you did for the phrase 'otaku.' Explain in sentence format what these things are and give more credit to the audience; the average reader should be able to pick up on things even if you say it once.

This feel less like prose and dialogue and more like a script like @darthmongoose said.

Ryder: Ahhh damn f**k shit why the internet isn’t working. I should search online on how to fix it

Is this character supposed to be a little dumb or an airhead? Because that what I'm going to assume if he tries to fix the broken internet by going online.

100% agree with @Kelheor. It's hard to tell what going with what is being presented. All I can really gleam is that maybe, maybe, his computer took over his mind and now he's playing a video game in real life. Maybe that's what's happening, but I cannot tell for sure.

Sorry if this wasn't too helpful, but the foundation of this novel needs to be changed and correctly formatted as prose for at least me to give a useful critique.

[crypt101]

Thank you all for your feedbacks. It will help me a lot.

[QingDom]

Hey guys, I'm new here and this is my first book.

Go ahead and give it a browse.

Title: Falling Stardust
Genre: Fantasy| Romance| Action| Adventure
Link: https://tapas.io/series/Falling-Stardust

Synopsis: XASHA who grew up in Lithuania a land where fights for mana veins happened every day, loves having knowledge of everything around him and in this world of magic where nobody knows how it works. He finds himself thirsting for answers to the questions nobody has the answers to. he also wanted to change the political landscape of this world where few have and the rest have to become slaves in order to get a share. Having taught him all they knew, his parents sent him to the White Lotus Academy to further his studies. It's there that he meets the pink-haired Combat Medic Megan and his best friend VERRA. Who decides to join him on his journey to change the world.

I could use a bit of criticism myself