Looking for some feedback!

BWMaste 2020-09-02 18:50:52 UTC #1

Was hoping you could help us out. Looking for feedback, obviously. Kinda looking to see if there's any room for improvement too.

In case you're wondering, our story is a contemporary piece, set in the modern day. Its a mix of sci-fi and fantasy, action, comedy, drama, and a touch of romance. Pretty much all the greats!

"Silver Crest"
https://tapas.io/episode/1137449

So please, give it a read and tell us what you think! Thank you.

domisotto 2020-09-02 19:02:14 UTC #2

I looked though the prologue, and it's a good start, but there are a couple of things you can work on to make the delivery a bit less laboured.

a. Adjectives. Go easy on them--not every noun needs an adjective. In fact, most of them don't. Use with care.

b. Start with Tim and his feelings, give me the feel for him, but do not tell me what he feels--convey it with expressions and body language, make his apprehension show.

c. Don't keep from me what the heck is Blood and Nova Flies and all that. I am not reading with a pen to underline and look it up later. Convey through Tim what those things are and how he understands them

d. Prefer the dialogue and conflict to the big descriptive paragraphs. This is on-line fiction. Emotion sells better than the Best in Temple Decor Monthly.

Good luck with your story.

BWMaste 2020-09-02 19:49:27 UTC #3

Thank you. I'll see what I can do with that.

cherrystark 2020-09-02 20:42:56 UTC #4

I echo a lot of @domisotto 's feedback. Don't be afraid to give us a connection to the characters. From the prologue to chapter 1, I didn't really feel a connection. Readers typically want a reason to care about this person.

Regarding adjectives/description, I would look for places where you can be specific and places where it's okay to vague. For example, instead of telling us that Tim aged handsomely (handsome is a broad term) give us a brief description of him and maybe tell us about the people who flirt with him a lot (just throwing out ideas) And how Tim reacts to those interactions, will tell us more about his personality too.

Good luck with your story. Can't wait to see where things will go

BWMaste 2020-09-02 20:53:27 UTC #5

Huh, ok. Thanks. I'll make a note of that.

BWMaste 2020-09-10 17:57:24 UTC #6

Hey again!

Okay, so, the characters probably need a little..... guess we'll say polishing.

But what about the story itself so far? Any thoughts maybe?

Oh. I'd recommend reading Chapter 2, that's when the action was supposed to get under way. If it's not too much trouble?

BWMaste 2020-09-10 17:59:57 UTC #7

Was wondering. Do you think, if it's not too much trouble, try reading Chapter 2? Its our first action sequence of the series. So wanted to get some data on that.