Looking for someone asexual?

Merle 2016-12-26 01:01:29 UTC #1

This might need some more explanation.

I didn´t plan to do it, but turns out I started writing a normal Romance/Sci Fi Story, I enjoyed it, the characters started "talking" to me, the plot came budding up -
and then I suddenly realized that the male main character is (for some reasons I can´t really reveal without spoiler) Assexual. It is not really his sexual orrientation on a natural basis like hm...how do I explain this without spoiler?
Well, most important, he is assexual and he stays this way troughout the whole story/ his life / I am still figuring this out and it is one big problem in the main relationship that the (actual main character, female) is sexually very "aggressive" or "passionate" and extremly depressed with him being, well, this way.
Apart from this they love each other a lot, their characteristics fit each other, they are very good friends - like a perfect couple.
Still, this is not the main conflict in the book that focuses on diferent modern themes.

Now I figured I can only imagine how it actually is to be an asexual. As said above, he is - ok, tell you this far, he got programmed before birth to be assexual for he is like a human roboter originally designed just to fullfill the purposes of his family and not be distracted by anything - turns out he wants to be loyal to someone else - turns out he can fall in love like crazy - so I might have some freedom designing the conflict and all his feelings -

but I don´t wanna make this up.

So I have a few questions.

(Please don´t shame me for these questions, I am trying my best (I watched a documentation about assexuals but it seemed like the actual producers just wanted to deny they exist!))

If you are an assexual just consider answering whichever you want of them in a pm just do what you feel comfortable with.
(If you know someone Assexual who might help me out, please share this with them)(I will probs post this somewhere else I just know the community here is so good so I´ll try here first)

Do you still enjoy cuddles/kisses (of what form) with your partner?
Could you imagine to be in a relationship with someone sexual and/or
have sex with them in a form that you both feel safe in and is speciafialy agreed on?
Were you ever in such a relationship? How did it turn out?
Did you ever wish to change because you were in love (now, this is kinda...strange, but he just as probably won´t change as propably as he will wish he was different)?
Do you think such a story is a good idea altogether? Or more like will that be hated on by the community? I am trying to be sensitive, it wouldn´t stop me from writing but I´d make some kind of warning at the start.
This kinda collides with 1, but do you want have your loved one near you phisicly? (Or are there different "stages" of assexuality? I just don´t know)
Have you ever received hate from outside for your sexual orrientation? If, what form did it take? (argh even thinking about bullshit like that makes me angry tough)
He will have these character traits: calm/very loyal/extremly hardworking. I KNOW every person is different but are there some kind of stereotypes associated with assexuals and would he fit?

Thanks for reading! If there is something wrong/hurtfull/anything with my questions please just tell me. I really don´t want to offend anyone just be informed!

indagold 2016-12-26 03:30:22 UTC #3

Well for starters it's asexual, not assexual unless you're looking for the niche demographic of people sexually attracted to the word "as" lol

As an aromantic asexual I can answer some questions from talking to people in the community and my own experience.

1- a lot of asexuals are completely okay with cuddles and kisses. The ones that aren't probably have intimacy issues and is purely psychological either related to anxiety or simply just not used to those relationships. Being asexual doesn't prevent you from enjoying affection, I love affection from anyone.

2- I would I mean being aromantic makes it null and void being it's difficult to find anyone willing to be in that relationship, but I don't mind. Romantic asexuals can engage in sex with their partners either for fun, for babies or whatever. Some don't.

3- Not entirely sure, some people just continue with normal sex, some are less into it, maybe just touching?

4- I haven't, i've known many that have. Few usually continue with sex, but some do. Most just go along without it since it wasn't their thing. The ones that do don't mind it.

5- I mean it's not a disorder and doesn't cause problems so no? Only time you'd want to change is because of societal standards and not a willingness to, it's more of a peer pressure.

6- Hey at least it's better than nothing. I wouldn't mind. People tend to make asexuals neutered party poopers anyway, maybe we can see a change of pace.

7- I'm aromantic so the strongest love is platonic love, a love inbetween romance and friendship. Others experience romantic love if that's what you mean?

8- Most from the LGBT/ace community and not straight people...yeah, get your head around that! I went to a LGBT center when I came out and they treated me like a foreigner, telling me they didn't know what to do with me and whether they needed to "fix" me. After treating me like a sick dog and one of the social workers told me Bisexuals and Asexuals are just confused, I left the place. I then went onto AVEN forums and I kinda realized the community isn't really that nice. Some where nice, some were really mean and horrible mocking me, some even questioning my identity because I was really confused at the time :/. Yeah I went to Apositive, it's more down to earth site for asexuals. Welcome to planet earth, LGBT community isn't quite perfect and anyone can be a dick.

9- no...? Asexuals don't have much stereotypes to begin with. Usually just a whiney heartless prude who wants to feel "special" is basically the stereotypes I know.

Just a reminder, being asexual only means the absence of a sexual orientation and the lack of attraction to any genders. It has nothing to do with sex, intimacy, anxiety, sex drive or fear of sex.

indagold 2016-12-26 03:37:33 UTC #4

I think that's actually not asexuality? I know people who fear and avoid sex from rape/sexual trauma and actually recover through therapy. It's more just an emotional thing, not a permanent thing.

UrMom 2016-12-26 04:07:20 UTC #5

@indagold Yeah, honestly humans are so unique to one another I wouldn't know, nor would I have the grounds to judge. I've seen people who've claimed to be straight become attracted to the same gender, or people claiming the opposite go to other genders. I actually work with a lesbian who's wife claims to be straight, but the only female she's ever felt romantic and sexual attraction for is my coworker.
If they say they are asexual, and are comfortable not wanting to have sex with someone no matter the reason, I wouldn't see the problem in letting them continue going by that label. Not saying they shouldn't get help for whatever happened, help is a huge deal. Regardless of what lead to them down that path, I don't see why people can't call themselves whatever if they truly feel that way. If they change their mind down the road, they change their mind.

blinkingkills 2016-12-26 05:27:09 UTC #6

I am aro/ace so romance is foreign to me. but i can answer these questions sort of

I hate it when people touch me, i will only let close friends hug me, but even then they usually know i don' t like it and will not initiate.
relationships have never crossed my mind
neither has having sex
no, I've literally been on one date in my life.
well, sometimes I wish i were different so I could more easily understand people's relationships. I have some very sexual friends and i have trouble understanding their motivations and problems because so much drama couild be solved by just..not? but i don't know that feeling they have so I can't judge them.
It depends on the reason that he's ace. Many people are just born ace and there has been no trauma or any bad experiences in the past, they simply are. if that is the reason why then i don't see why anyone would be offended. If he's a robot and has no junk in the trunk, then you'd have to write that differently too and focus on how an aritificial intelligence can feel romantic love in the first place, which is another discussion and one that is more philosphical. Why can he do that? do people treat that ability as a flaw or feature? Was he programmed to care for the person he loves? if so, is that ethical for that person to date someone like that? would she even want to?
Another thing is that from what i've heard, though i don't have anything personally against it, some ace people really don't like being compared to androids. so you'd probably have to be careful there.
ok i just read over your post again and it seems like you are talking about not an android but a human being who was genetically designed to be asexual. That poses difference questions like how ethical it is to control birth rates of people you deem "second class" and actually has nothing to do with asexuality at all that you need to read about. also, if he was engineered to be asexual from birth so there wouldn't be distractions, why wouldn't the people make him aromantic too? from my perspective, wanting a boyfriend or girlfriend is a much bigger distraction than wanting to have sex . many people want to have sex with no strings attach you could just have one night stands.
One of my best friends has a low sex drive but is romantic. She does like being close to her BF who is very understanding of the fact that she has a low sex drive. from what i know, they have had sex before. She sees a therapist because she doesn't think she is ace so much as she's just scared. There are many reasons why people don't have sex, some people are fine with it (me) some people might not be.
mmm, sometimes i read posts on tumblr of people who don't believe that being cis hetero ace is qualification enough for the lgbt community. I don't like getting in those discussions because i've seen enough of those posts where i think, well, its ok, the LGBT people have been through enough, I don't want to take their space anyway they can have their space. But that is because i'm aromantic as well as asexual so I've completely taken myself out of the relationship part of life, so what would i know?
the stereotypes of asexuals are that we are robotic or like amoebas. but honestly, there isn't enough ace rep anyway, so I'm sure you could make it work with some sensitivity.

Michelle 2016-12-26 05:46:13 UTC #7

For starters, it's asexual with only one S!

Since it seems everyone answering is aro/ace, I'll chime in as a hetero-romantic ace. I've been in a relationship with my heterosexual partner for 7 years. I don't like getting too specific, but I will say there is a spectrum of asexuality; some ace people experience a low level of sexual attraction, some experience none at all, and asexuality does not equal celibacy/abstinence. For me, I enjoy nonsexual intimacy like hugging. Sexual stuff just doesn't cross my mind naturally.

Honestly, I used to often wish I could change my sexuality, but I realize a lot of the frustration is caused by others' perceptions. Otherwise, I'm perfectly happy being who I am. :> That said I don't often receive hate for being asexual because I am not open about it. The few times I have been, it's been met with accusations that my partner was lousy in bed or I was frigid, so... yeah. It's surprising how hostile some people get at the idea of not wanting sex. Probably the worst I had was someone telling me to kill myself for not wanting to have kids.

As for stereotypes... that'd be like asking about stereotypes of any other LGBT+ groups. We're all different, and being disinterested in sex doesn't mean you're shy or serious.

I think it'd be great to see more ace representation in comics! My only problem with stories featuring ace characters are when the story tries to show they weren't really ace-- they were just confused or hadn't found the right person. I've also seen comics where the basis was "ace person gets thrown into a lot of hyper-sexualized situations!" which sounds... honestly really uncomfortable to me.

AnnaLandin 2016-12-26 06:59:56 UTC #8

Asexuality is a spectrum, so every asexual person experiences it differently. You'll find people who are aromantic asexuals - i.e: they don't experience sexual OR romantic feelings - and you'll find people who are demisexual - i.e: they are capable of feeling sexual attraction, but ONLY with specific people they already have an established emotional connection to. Both fall on the asexual spectrum, but on different ends of it.

Personally, I define myself as a romantic ace - I'm capable of falling in love, having crushes on people, etc., etc. - but I don't really experience sexual attraction. Since the crushes I've had so far have been towards people of the opposite gender, I'm probably hetero-romantic, but I'm not ruling anything out.

I would, yes. I like touch. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling, etc., etc - it's nice. I'm a fairly anxious person, and I find touching someone else reassuring. Never underestimate the comforting power of a really good hug.

Would I be able to have a relationship with someone sexual? Yes, I would, as long as we both clearly understood each others' circumstances and the boundaries of the relationship. I doubt I would be able to have sex with them - but I don't know. As I said, I define myself as a romantic ace, but it is entirely possible I'm demisexual, and just haven't found the right person yet.

As it stands now, though, I would not be able to have sex with them. It would make me feel acutely uncomfortable, and if I wasn't actually experiencing any kind of sexual attraction, I would feel forced, and that's not something you want in a sexual situation.

Nope, sorry, can't answer this one.

I do occasionally have fits of "oh man I'm going to die lonely"-thoughts, but they don't last very long, and they don't hinge on a wish to not be asexual; it's more like I'd like to find someone to be with who would be comfortable with and accepting of my asexuality.

It depends ENTIRELY on how you handle it. It's a dilemma a lot of ace people find themselves with - dealing with other people not understanding/being disappointed by their asexuality - but I recommend you writing a draft of the story and then running it by people who are ace to see whether you've done something offensive or not.

(and note: having a character be upset by your main character's asexuality isn't offensive - it's just an in-character reaction - as long as you don't push the idea that she has a RIGHT to have sex with him just because she's a sexual person; that's not how it works).

I would, yes. Like I said, I like touch, so having the person I love close to me would be something I enjoy. I also require a lot of time to myself - a lot of me-time, a lot of space - but that has nothing to do with romance. I'm just a fairly introverted person who needs a lot of time to myself.

(also, it's "physically")

I have.... no idea what you mean by this? Like I said at the start, there's more than one way to be asexual, ranging from aromantic asexuals all the way through demisexuality and whatnot, and every ace person is bound to be different. Some people are comfortable with touch, some are not. Some people (like demisexuals and grey aces) are capable of feeling sexual attraction, just not with the same frequency or circumstance as non-ace people, and so on.

You'll probably have to clarify this if you want a better answer.

Not really, but then I'm not really out. A few people I know IRL know, and I'm quite honest about it online, but I haven't told my parents. And it's not out of fear or anything - they're good people, they wouldn't mind - it's just that it hasn't come up.

The lack of a love life isn't really as controversial to people as a lot of the other LGBTQ+ orientations. There are obviously idiots who will take offense at that kind of thing, but "sorry, I don't want to" is a fairly non-threatening position in terms of being on the LGBTQ-spectrum.

Not that I am aware of, and you really shouldn't try to make him fit a stereotype. ANYONE can be asexual, and it has NO impact on their general personality. You'll find upbeat, outgoing asexuals, you'll find introverted anti-social asexuals, you'll find asexuals who are everything in between.

GesuGesu 2016-12-26 07:51:40 UTC #9

Do you still enjoy cuddles/kisses (of what form) with your partner?
Yeah. Human touch is comforting. Mouth kisses can get gross after a while.

Could you imagine to be in a relationship with someone sexual and/or have sex with them in a form that you both feel safe in and is speciafically agreed on?
Yes. I want kids. I will have sex just to make kids.

Were you ever in such a relationship? How did it turn out?
"You don't seem interested."
"I feel like you don't like me as much as I do you."
"Oh, so you weren't joking about the asexuality thing, huh."

Did you ever wish to change because you were in love (now, this is kinda...strange, but he just as probably won´t change as propably as he will wish he was different)?
Sorta, but I make sure to tell my partner ahead of time what my expectations and interests lie, so I rarely have trouble nowadays since I screen my potential partners

Do you think such a story is a good idea altogether? Or more like will that be hated on by the community? I am trying to be sensitive, it wouldn´t stop me from writing but I´d make some kind of warning at the start.
I'm a bit indifferent to it, but if it can accurately portray what it is like to date an asexual, go for it. Platonic love FTW

This kinda collides with 1, but do you want have your loved one near you phisicly? (Or are there different "stages" of assexuality? I just don´t know)
I just like having a human pillow I can always rely on once in a while.

Have you ever received hate from outside for your sexual orrientation? If, what form did it take? (argh even thinking about bullshit like that makes me angry tough)
Not really. Many of my partners have slowly realized that the feelings may not be mutually equal. They don't take too much offense

He will have these character traits: calm/very loyal/extremly hardworking. I KNOW every person is different but are there some kind of stereotypes associated with assexuals and would he fit?
I don't know any stereotypes associated with asexuals

shazzbaa 2016-12-26 07:52:01 UTC #10

I liked this article a lot! I expected it to be rude gawking, but it was actually trying to listen to a few different asexual folks with different experiences and share those experiences to people who've never had them. It's short, direct, and casual and might be a useful read for you!

I experience romantic feelings but not sexual desire! The idea of seeing a human and feeling attracted to them or interested in them is familiar to me; the desire/longing for physical intimacy with a sexy person, or even someone I'm deeply in love with, is foreign to me. I can talk about being very attracted to someone or having a huge crush, but there's no desire at all for smooches in there. I can have all the other crush signifiers -- that overwhelming and slightly obsessive interest in them, the completely irrational desire for them to like me back; wanting to spend time, get emotionally close, and be able to hug and touch. But more intimate things don't really... have an appeal I guess?
Like.... I guess try to imagine why kissing would be weird and strange if it didn't feel nice. Just sticking your lips together and, maybe, your tongue does stuff in their mouth?? Why would you do that?

I know there are relationships where the asexual partner isn't repulsed by sex, and is like "yeah it doesn't do much for me but I'll do it for you because I know it's important to you," just the same way that you'd take out the garbage or do laundry for a person you really love. That can work, or it can be tough for the non-ace partner if sex as an intimate emotional bond is important to them. Then there are other asexual people for whom the idea of sex is kinda horrifying and would feel more comparable to getting a scary medical proceedure done, which like, you can love someone a lot and still not be willing to deal with that, no matter how nice it makes them feel.

This never crossed my mind! I know some people really struggle with it, but I never felt broken or "wrong" despite the fact that it was pretty obvious that I was different from what other people thought was normal. I like being how I am, and yeah sometimes it kinda sucks to be like "well, it's gonna be a lot harder to find a life partner because so many other people are looking for an entirely different kind of partner," or to fall in love with someone who's looking for sexytimes..... but I never thought "wow I wish I were a person who wanted to have sex," ----- I always thought "man, I wish other people didn't need sex so bad, so we could just be together without worrying about that nonsense."

I know some points are vague since you're trying not to spoil --- so if this isn't an issue then don't worry about it --- but I figure I'll mention it anyway because there's a couple of things in that write-up that make it sound like maybe he's supposed to have sexual desire, and that it could be "fixed" so he has desire again? I'd be really wary of that kind of idea for an asexual character, becaue that's the kinda dismissal that asexual folks get a lot. "Oh, you just haven't met the right person yet, you'll meet someone who will change your mind."
The idea of asexuality as some kinda tragedy, or like an unfortunate setback that will eventually be fixed, is more likely to make asexual folks feel dismissed and disappointed. If an ace character is gonna be "cured" of their asexuality, and you're not speaking from experience, it might be a better to not present that character as asexual in the first place.
(for example, someone could even tell him, early in the story, "maybe you're just asexual," and he could respond saying that that doesn't seem to describe how he feels, "it's like I'm supposed to have desire, but it's been... shut off? That sounds weird, but that's how it feels." There are definitely ways to set it up so the character isn't claiming to be like asexual folks.)

But other than that hypothetical, I don't think it would be upsetting to see a character presented as asexual, with the main character clumsily trying to figure out how to understand that, how to make it work, maybe even questioning IF they can make it work even though the two of them love each other very much. Honestly, that rings true to me.

dojo 2016-12-26 08:04:55 UTC #11

I'm biromantically ace so I'll go ahead and answer as well:

Do you still enjoy cuddles/kisses (of what form) with your partner? I honestly haven't dated anyone I was okay with a whole lot of touching. I barely even let my friends touch me, even close ones. I get this gnawing ache wherever I'm touched that lasts for hours even if it's something as simple as an arm touch. Really couldn't tell you why this is, though!
Could you imagine to be in a relationship with someone sexual and/or have sex with them in a form that you both feel safe in and is specifically agreed on? I can imagine wanting to try to see if it's something I'm okay with so long as it's agreed on.
Were you ever in such a relationship? How did it turn out? Despite dating five people, none of them have gone that direction.
Did you ever wish to change because you were in love (now, this is kinda...strange, but he just as probably won´t change as probably as he will wish he was different)? Not really, I'm super disinterested in physical stuff to the point I just straight up don't even think about it really. The whole reason none of my relationships have even gone that direction is my partners never brought it up in the first place (possibly because they were waiting for me to first. DON'T WAIT ON ME TO, IT JUST WON'T HAPPEN. Seriously, one of the girls I dated talked several times about feeling frisky, and sure it occurs to me NOW that she might have been implying she wanted something, but at the time it went completely over my head since she never directly said it).
Do you think such a story is a good idea altogether? Or more like will that be hated on by the community? I am trying to be sensitive, it wouldn´t stop me from writing but I´d make some kind of warning at the start. Well, you're trying to be sensitive about it, and are doing research here, so I'm sure you'll do fine. As long as it doesn't go the direction of "asexual character discovers he's not actually asexual after being forced into sex" or "asexual character is the one who is actually wrong" I don't see it causing problems.
This kinda collides with 1, but do you want have your loved one near you phisicly? (Or are there different "stages" of assexuality? I just don´t know) I'm okay with them being near me physically, I just don't want to be touched constantly. And err... I wouldn't say there's "stages" of it since that makes it sound like people progress from one end of the spectrum to the other, but there are definitely different versions.
Have you ever received hate from outside for your sexual orrientation? If, what form did it take? (argh even thinking about bullshit like that makes me angry tough) Eeeeyup. I mean, outside of the fact that I've dated both guys and gals, ignoring that, I've gotten hate from "both sides" purely for my lack of wanting or caring about sex. I've been told things that have ranged from "well you've never had sex, that explains why you're so unhappy!" to "Wow, so you think you're better than me because you've never had sex?" to friends acting straight up uncomfortable and weird about talking about it around me (not because I asked or anything, there was definitely just this weird... "well, Dojo's asexual and despite him saying many times he doesn't care if it's being talked about we're going to still act like he's totally uncomfortable with sex talk"). And never forget all those folks who claimed that it's "impossible!!!!" for sex to not be a thing on my mind all the time. Also, this is unusual, but I feel like I've gotten more grief over my lack of wanting to have sex than the fact that I've dated people of my birth gender. But this may have some to do with the grief coming from both my pro and anti lgbt connections, as opposed to my dating biways to which I only receive grief from one side.
He will have these character traits: calm/very loyal/extremly hardworking. I KNOW every person is different but are there some kind of stereotypes associated with assexuals and would he fit? Honestly the only thing I would even consider a stereotype for asexuals is "closeted shutin weirdo nerdguy who JUST NEEDS TO GET LAID!!!!!" since they're so underrepresented in the media.

AnnaLandin 2016-12-26 09:14:05 UTC #12

This is an important point! Because of how our society discusses and handles sexuality in general, I spent quite a few years of my life quietly fearing there was something medically wrong with me, because I didn't feel sexual attraction the way other people did.

When I found out asexuality was something that was possible, it was a huge relief, because it confirmed I wasn't broken, and I didn't need to be "fixed" - I was just normal in a different way.

As long as you avoid the pitfall of presenting an asexual character as wrong for being asexual and needing to be corrected, I think you're good.

SpavVy 2016-12-26 10:27:52 UTC #13

I'm Asexual so I will answer.

Do you still enjoy cuddles/kisses (of what form) with your partner?

I'm not really into kissing but cuddles is fine especially when watching shows on Netflix.

Could you imagine to be in a relationship with someone sexual and/or
have sex with them in a form that you both feel safe in and is speciafialy agreed on?

I'm in one of those relationships now so yes.

Were you ever in such a relationship? How did it turn out?

It seems to be working out fine.

Did you ever wish to change because you were in love (now, this is kinda...strange, but he just as probably won´t change as propably as he will wish he was different)?

Oh every day I wish I wasn't asexual, it's made my dating life very difficult up until this point and even then I still run into problems sometimes.

Do you think such a story is a good idea altogether? Or more like will that be hated on by the community? I am trying to be sensitive, it wouldn´t stop me from writing but I´d make some kind of warning at the start.

Well I can't say for certain, some may love it or hate it. You cannot satisfy everyone.

This kinda collides with 1, but do you want have your loved one near you phisicly? (Or are there different "stages" of assexuality? I just don´t know)

It really depends, I'm kinda like a cat when it comes to these things. If I want attention I'll come to you.

Have you ever received hate from outside for your sexual orrientation? If, what form did it take? (argh even thinking about bullshit like that makes me angry tough)

Um, no? The worst I've dealt with is "You'll want it someday" and "That's not normal" along with men that wanted to try and get in my pants anyway thinking it would change my mind which only ended up pissing me off in the end. One guy that tried to get with me even dared to say "You aren't Asexual because one of your main characters is a succubus with big boobs." It's like...fucking really? You're going to pull THAT card?
But yeah other than that nope.

He will have these character traits: calm/very loyal/extremly hardworking. I KNOW every person is different but are there some kind of stereotypes associated with assexuals and would he fit?

Do whatever you want, if you want to avoid a stereotype then maybe have him not eat so much cake I guess?

Chopythes 2016-12-26 10:56:20 UTC #14

Ok, so I see myself as either aromantic/romantic ace, (I like it when people are being romantic with me, but I have trouble being romantic towards others) and I've got a partner!

Do you still enjoy cuddles/kisses (of what form) with your partner?

Yes. Yes I do. Infact, I LOVE CUDDLES. Kisses... Not so much. I only do that because my partner wants me to and if he's enjoying it then why not? I think kisses are rather innocent which is why I agree to it.

Could you imagine to be in a relationship with someone sexual and/or
have sex with them in a form that you both feel safe in and is
speciafialy agreed on?

As long as it's agreed on. However, I don't see the point of having sex. It's warm, messy and I'm not at all comfortable with being naked with someone else. To me, sex is only something you do if you want kids. I might sound horrible, but I really don't see a point of doing that xD

Were you ever in such a relationship? How did it turn out?

We're still together, but I know that he doubts my feelings for him as I'm unable to show that in a way he understands. (like, ACTUALLY TELLING THE GUY instead of giving him gifts and cuddles........ I'm just really terrible at relationships)

Did you ever wish to change because you were in love (now, this is kinda...strange, but he just as probably won´t change as probably as he will wish he was different)?

I do wish that I could give my partner more of what I'm capable of (like being more romantic, telling him things as he do with me etcetera. Like being capable of HAVING SEX). But on the other hand, I think a relationship should be based on a friendship you don't want to loose. Relationships aren't as and as with all things, communication is key.

Do you think such a story is a good idea altogether? Or more like will that be hated on by the community? I am trying to be sensitive, it wouldn´t stop me from writing but I´d make some kind of warning at the start.

I don't think it'll get hated on, honestly. Asexuals are under represented in the HBTQ-communtiy (basically, we've either not found the "right" person or we literally don't exist.)
So yeah, go for it! I'd love to read this story later (not because of sexuality, but because I think it sounds interesting)!

This kinda collides with 1, but do you want have your loved one near you phisicly? (Or are there different "stages" of assexuality? I just don´t know)

I think it depends on the person. I have a few friends I want to keep to myself more close but they feel the opposite.
My partner sits fine where he is, and I'm happy to see him once or twice a month.
(whereas my parents can't stand being without each other for a day before going nuts and they've been married for 30 years... Which has led to me feeling weird about myself)

Have you ever received hate from outside for your sexual orrientation? If, what form did it take? (argh even thinking about bullshit like that makes me angry tough)*

No, not more than the usual: "You haven't found the right guy yet", "take your time", "You'll find the one eventually!"

He will have these character traits: calm/very loyal/extremly hardworking. I KNOW every person is different but are there some kind of stereotypes associated with assexuals and would he fit?

Tbh, the only stereotype of asexual I've got is a wallflower.
Like, main character's on a party and stands close to a wall thinking: When can I go home?
So pretty much invisible, that is.
But really, asexuals don't go to parties or other arrangement to get a partner, they go there because of the activity itself! (Party=dancing, Cinema=watching a movie, you get it )

punkarsenic 2016-12-26 11:45:05 UTC #15

yeah, usually
i couldnt, but i know it happens
i couldnt but i know it happens, and its probably a good option for your characters
null
i imagine an asexual robot with a sexual partner would want to be different, as hed have complicated motions to do with sex being more human, and wanting to be what his partner wants
asexual robots are generally an unpopular trope, but i find the pre-programming concept interesting. i wouldnt complain.
most asexuals are happy to have close physical contact / affection. typically aversion to that is due to trauma
nah not really, when comparing it to me being a lesbian
robots is a stereotype - however you can break that stereotype by him not being emotionally distant. socially awkward is a stereotype too.

also, some asexual people do feel that their asexuality is wrong for them. some people understand it as a mental illness. some dont want to be asexual. some people are asexual because of trauma, and part of healing from that trauma can be becoming comfortable with sex. this happens - some asexuals get angry at this narrative, but it happens. it should be explored with empathy and insight.

punkarsenic 2016-12-26 11:51:35 UTC #16

some people define it as asexuality, and remain asexual regardless of therapy, thats just a cause / trigger. like how a minority of lesbians once identified as bi, but experienced trauma at the hands of men that changed that. people are complicated, trauma has some unpredictable effects, shit happens sometimes.

indagold 2016-12-26 16:06:02 UTC #17

@punkarsenic @Bloomer

I'm sorry I know people want to be respecting of others but you have to be critical of it as well. The literal assumption abuse can change your orientation is everything against what the LGBT movement has strived for years to separate the idea that abuse is the reason you aren't straight. Asexuality or any orientation is from birth and assuming abuse can cause it essentially enforces stigmatization and assumes that it's a choice or psychological. You can be an abuse victim and LGBT but assuming that it causes it is basically completely against everything we know today and everything this movement has been fighting against. This is why homosexuality was removed as a mental illness, because of the stigmatization and ignorance that it was caused by abuse.

infectedbloodcomics 2016-12-26 16:38:40 UTC #18

I'm sorry, but lack of a sexual orientation is by its own definition not a sexual orientation. Please, don't conflate the two. People who have been abused may become asexual for a short or long time, but that has absolutely nothing to do with being gay/lesbian or straight and it's got nothing to do with removing homosexuality from that stupid list of mental illnesses (which makes very little sense of its own, by the way - just look at the list, it's grown so much that ever single person literally suffers from one condition or another). It's literally comparing apples to oranges.

UrMom 2016-12-26 17:03:38 UTC #19

Lol, person. No one is saying that abuse causes people to be LGBT+, that is really silly. I probably wasn't very clear because I can't words, but I was basically saying that there will always be a 0.0001% exception, it in no way entails what makes LGBT+ people as a whole what they are.
We should not act like some kind of exclusive club, denying people the right to explore who they are. If someone isn't sure of where they fall on the hetero - non-hetero, cis - trans spectrum, they should be allowed to figure it out (regardless of age) without being told they can't because they don't fit in all the points on the "you have to be this -blank- to ride" checklist. I get what you're talking about, the LGBT+ = mental illness thing is really backwards and shitty, and some cis/het people will probably find every reason to use that excuse until the day they die. BUT that doesn't change that not everyone knows who the are right way, or even what the entity of LGBTIQPA+ stands for thanks to lack of accessible resources. There is also the fact that our species is ever changing.
Fuck, I identified as straight until I left my shitty ex in my early 20's, didn't even know asexual was a thing until my friends pointed it out. I've literally only been identifying as an aro ace for a little over 4 years. By your standards, does that mean I'm not ace because I didn't realize it until after I left an abusive situation?

Look, yes I agree that we have to be critical, but that doesn't mean we should be cynical. We gotta give people the benefit of the doubt, you don't know how that person's brain works, or how their life has been thus far. You do not have the right to tell them they can't be something until there is proof otherwise. The worst that will happen is someone learns something about themselves, and bigots will continue to be bigots.

indagold 2016-12-26 17:25:49 UTC #20

You just said "I know someone who became ace from abuse" lol. I'm not telling people to screw off because they are confused, you have a right to be confused/questioning. If you and @punkarsenic had said people are confused sometimes or question their identity I would be fine with that. But you didn't. I'm not excluding people either, I completely understand if they are confused. It's fine to be confused. Just blatantly stating abuse can change one's orientation is a little, uh, weird? Yeah maybe you should've worded it better. No problem.

@infectedbloodcomics why is zero a number if it's nothing? Asexuality is technically an orientation. And no, abuse does not make you asexual. Maybe research it first before talking about it.

shazzbaa 2016-12-26 17:31:15 UTC #21

These points are definitely important and good to mention, but since the OP isn't talking about a character where abuse plays into their orientation, that info might be all that's really needed for this thread -- that there are times where abuse or trauma might affect who someone is sexually attracted to, and it's very tough to figure out where to draw that line or if that line should even be drawn --- but if a story tries to paint abuse/trauma as the source of an orientation it's gonna make a lot of people feel hurt and upset.