Looking for someone asexual?

[AnnaLandin]

The idea of asexuality as some kinda tragedy, or like an unfortunate setback that will eventually be fixed, is more likely to make asexual folks feel dismissed and disappointed.

This is an important point! Because of how our society discusses and handles sexuality in general, I spent quite a few years of my life quietly fearing there was something medically wrong with me, because I didn't feel sexual attraction the way other people did.

When I found out asexuality was something that was possible, it was a huge relief, because it confirmed I wasn't broken, and I didn't need to be "fixed" - I was just normal in a different way.

As long as you avoid the pitfall of presenting an asexual character as wrong for being asexual and needing to be corrected, I think you're good.

[SpavVy]

I'm Asexual so I will answer.

Do you still enjoy cuddles/kisses (of what form) with your partner?

I'm not really into kissing but cuddles is fine especially when watching shows on Netflix.

Could you imagine to be in a relationship with someone sexual and/or
have sex with them in a form that you both feel safe in and is speciafialy agreed on?

I'm in one of those relationships now so yes.

Were you ever in such a relationship? How did it turn out?

It seems to be working out fine.

Did you ever wish to change because you were in love (now, this is kinda...strange, but he just as probably won´t change as propably as he will wish he was different)?

Oh every day I wish I wasn't asexual, it's made my dating life very difficult up until this point and even then I still run into problems sometimes.

Do you think such a story is a good idea altogether? Or more like will that be hated on by the community? I am trying to be sensitive, it wouldn´t stop me from writing but I´d make some kind of warning at the start.

Well I can't say for certain, some may love it or hate it. You cannot satisfy everyone.

This kinda collides with 1, but do you want have your loved one near you phisicly? (Or are there different "stages" of assexuality? I just don´t know)

It really depends, I'm kinda like a cat when it comes to these things. If I want attention I'll come to you.

Have you ever received hate from outside for your sexual orrientation? If, what form did it take? (argh even thinking about bullshit like that makes me angry tough)

Um, no? The worst I've dealt with is "You'll want it someday" and "That's not normal" along with men that wanted to try and get in my pants anyway thinking it would change my mind which only ended up pissing me off in the end. One guy that tried to get with me even dared to say "You aren't Asexual because one of your main characters is a succubus with big boobs." It's like...fucking really? You're going to pull THAT card?
But yeah other than that nope.

He will have these character traits: calm/very loyal/extremly hardworking. I KNOW every person is different but are there some kind of stereotypes associated with assexuals and would he fit?

Do whatever you want, if you want to avoid a stereotype then maybe have him not eat so much cake I guess?

[Chopythes]

Ok, so I see myself as either aromantic/romantic ace, (I like it when people are being romantic with me, but I have trouble being romantic towards others) and I've got a partner!

Do you still enjoy cuddles/kisses (of what form) with your partner?

Yes. Yes I do. Infact, I LOVE CUDDLES. Kisses... Not so much. I only do that because my partner wants me to and if he's enjoying it then why not? I think kisses are rather innocent which is why I agree to it.

Could you imagine to be in a relationship with someone sexual and/or
have sex with them in a form that you both feel safe in and is
speciafialy agreed on?

As long as it's agreed on. However, I don't see the point of having sex. It's warm, messy and I'm not at all comfortable with being naked with someone else. To me, sex is only something you do if you want kids. I might sound horrible, but I really don't see a point of doing that xD

Were you ever in such a relationship? How did it turn out?

We're still together, but I know that he doubts my feelings for him as I'm unable to show that in a way he understands. (like, ACTUALLY TELLING THE GUY instead of giving him gifts and cuddles........ I'm just really terrible at relationships)

Did you ever wish to change because you were in love (now, this is kinda...strange, but he just as probably won´t change as probably as he will wish he was different)?

I do wish that I could give my partner more of what I'm capable of (like being more romantic, telling him things as he do with me etcetera. Like being capable of HAVING SEX). But on the other hand, I think a relationship should be based on a friendship you don't want to loose. Relationships aren't as and as with all things, communication is key.

Do you think such a story is a good idea altogether? Or more like will that be hated on by the community? I am trying to be sensitive, it wouldn´t stop me from writing but I´d make some kind of warning at the start.

I don't think it'll get hated on, honestly. Asexuals are under represented in the HBTQ-communtiy (basically, we've either not found the "right" person or we literally don't exist.)
So yeah, go for it! I'd love to read this story later (not because of sexuality, but because I think it sounds interesting)!

This kinda collides with 1, but do you want have your loved one near you phisicly? (Or are there different "stages" of assexuality? I just don´t know)

I think it depends on the person. I have a few friends I want to keep to myself more close but they feel the opposite.
My partner sits fine where he is, and I'm happy to see him once or twice a month.
(whereas my parents can't stand being without each other for a day before going nuts and they've been married for 30 years... Which has led to me feeling weird about myself)

Have you ever received hate from outside for your sexual orrientation? If, what form did it take? (argh even thinking about bullshit like that makes me angry tough)*

No, not more than the usual: "You haven't found the right guy yet", "take your time", "You'll find the one eventually!"

He will have these character traits: calm/very loyal/extremly hardworking. I KNOW every person is different but are there some kind of stereotypes associated with assexuals and would he fit?

Tbh, the only stereotype of asexual I've got is a wallflower.
Like, main character's on a party and stands close to a wall thinking: When can I go home?
So pretty much invisible, that is.
But really, asexuals don't go to parties or other arrangement to get a partner, they go there because of the activity itself! (Party=dancing, Cinema=watching a movie, you get it )

[punkarsenic]

1. yeah, usually
2. i couldnt, but i know it happens
3. i couldnt but i know it happens, and its probably a good option for your characters
4. null
5. i imagine an asexual robot with a sexual partner would want to be different, as hed have complicated motions to do with sex being more human, and wanting to be what his partner wants
6. asexual robots are generally an unpopular trope, but i find the pre-programming concept interesting. i wouldnt complain.
7. most asexuals are happy to have close physical contact / affection. typically aversion to that is due to trauma
8. nah not really, when comparing it to me being a lesbian
9. robots is a stereotype - however you can break that stereotype by him not being emotionally distant. socially awkward is a stereotype too.

also, some asexual people do feel that their asexuality is wrong for them. some people understand it as a mental illness. some dont want to be asexual. some people are asexual because of trauma, and part of healing from that trauma can be becoming comfortable with sex. this happens - some asexuals get angry at this narrative, but it happens. it should be explored with empathy and insight.

[punkarsenic]

I think that's actually not asexuality? I know people who fear and avoid sex from rape/sexual trauma and actually recover through therapy. It's more just an emotional thing, not a permanent thing.

some people define it as asexuality, and remain asexual regardless of therapy, thats just a cause / trigger. like how a minority of lesbians once identified as bi, but experienced trauma at the hands of men that changed that. people are complicated, trauma has some unpredictable effects, shit happens sometimes.

[indagold]

@punkarsenic @Bloomer

I'm sorry I know people want to be respecting of others but you have to be critical of it as well. The literal assumption abuse can change your orientation is everything against what the LGBT movement has strived for years to separate the idea that abuse is the reason you aren't straight. Asexuality or any orientation is from birth and assuming abuse can cause it essentially enforces stigmatization and assumes that it's a choice or psychological. You can be an abuse victim and LGBT but assuming that it causes it is basically completely against everything we know today and everything this movement has been fighting against. This is why homosexuality was removed as a mental illness, because of the stigmatization and ignorance that it was caused by abuse.

[infectedbloodcomics]

I'm sorry, but lack of a sexual orientation is by its own definition not a sexual orientation. Please, don't conflate the two. People who have been abused may become asexual for a short or long time, but that has absolutely nothing to do with being gay/lesbian or straight and it's got nothing to do with removing homosexuality from that stupid list of mental illnesses (which makes very little sense of its own, by the way - just look at the list, it's grown so much that ever single person literally suffers from one condition or another). It's literally comparing apples to oranges.

[UrMom]

Lol, person. No one is saying that abuse causes people to be LGBT+, that is really silly. I probably wasn't very clear because I can't words, but I was basically saying that there will always be a 0.0001% exception, it in no way entails what makes LGBT+ people as a whole what they are.
We should not act like some kind of exclusive club, denying people the right to explore who they are. If someone isn't sure of where they fall on the hetero - non-hetero, cis - trans spectrum, they should be allowed to figure it out (regardless of age) without being told they can't because they don't fit in all the points on the "you have to be this -blank- to ride" checklist. I get what you're talking about, the LGBT+ = mental illness thing is really backwards and shitty, and some cis/het people will probably find every reason to use that excuse until the day they die. BUT that doesn't change that not everyone knows who the are right way, or even what the entity of LGBTIQPA+ stands for thanks to lack of accessible resources. There is also the fact that our species is ever changing.
Fuck, I identified as straight until I left my shitty ex in my early 20's, didn't even know asexual was a thing until my friends pointed it out. I've literally only been identifying as an aro ace for a little over 4 years. By your standards, does that mean I'm not ace because I didn't realize it until after I left an abusive situation?

Look, yes I agree that we have to be critical, but that doesn't mean we should be cynical. We gotta give people the benefit of the doubt, you don't know how that person's brain works, or how their life has been thus far. You do not have the right to tell them they can't be something until there is proof otherwise. The worst that will happen is someone learns something about themselves, and bigots will continue to be bigots.

[indagold]

You just said "I know someone who became ace from abuse" lol. I'm not telling people to screw off because they are confused, you have a right to be confused/questioning. If you and @punkarsenic had said people are confused sometimes or question their identity I would be fine with that. But you didn't. I'm not excluding people either, I completely understand if they are confused. It's fine to be confused. Just blatantly stating abuse can change one's orientation is a little, uh, weird? Yeah maybe you should've worded it better. No problem.

@infectedbloodcomics why is zero a number if it's nothing? Asexuality is technically an orientation. And no, abuse does not make you asexual. Maybe research it first before talking about it.

[shazzbaa]

These points are definitely important and good to mention, but since the OP isn't talking about a character where abuse plays into their orientation, that info might be all that's really needed for this thread -- that there are times where abuse or trauma might affect who someone is sexually attracted to, and it's very tough to figure out where to draw that line or if that line should even be drawn --- but if a story tries to paint abuse/trauma as the source of an orientation it's gonna make a lot of people feel hurt and upset.

[UrMom]

@indagold Yes, and I still stand by them being able to call themselves asexual. If they figure out that they're not later, I will stand by whatever they call themselves because I'm not one to godmod.

Just blatantly stating abuse can change one's orientation is a little, uh, weird?

You're really close-minded if you think that, and you never answered my question.

By your standards, does that mean I'm not ace because I didn't realize it until after I left an abusive situation?

This would be fun to continue, but as @shazzbaa, this is not the place to argue. If you want to keep arguing your views, please PM me.

[indagold]

lol fine I'm close minded even if I said I can understand that someone can be confused/questioning or telling anyone they can identify as anything they want. Fine whatever, it's over with. I don't want to PM you or bother with this. I'm done.

[infectedbloodcomics]

@infectedbloodcomics why is zero a number if it's nothing? Asexuality is technically an orientation. And no, abuse does not make you asexual. Maybe research it first before talking about it.

That's not it. It's like saying that atheism is a religion, which is not. Maybe learn how to make am argument, instead of being condescending.

I don't want to hijack the OP, so I'm done.

[9outofPen]

Since people are so different, I think the main thing to remember is that your character can still feel love/affection if you want them to but they won't feel sexually attracted to anyone. They could even go through with sex for the sake of their partner, but they might not want it for themselves.

The only really 'wrong way' to write an ace character is to somehow invalidate or cheapen the orientation. For instance, they have sex only to realize they aren't asexual after all, or it was a medical condition all along, etc. Here's some good examples of what NOT to do:

[punkarsenic]

im an asexual lesbian whose sexuality / orientation is deeply linked to abuse ive experienced so, thats where i was coming from. people are complex, trauma is also complex, and shit happens is all im saying

[Merle]

Wow, this response is more than I could´ve wished for.

I read every comment carefully and I´ve taken a lot from it. I read the article mentioned which was very helpfull! The man´s explanations are very vivid. I tought the vid was supposed to be funny, but actually it was very educational.

It was very interesting to read that in some parts asexuals aren´t accepted by the LGBT community! He won´t receive much outside hate for him being this way because he never makes it a topic - which seems to be a check - mate looking what you expirienced and how you´ve acted irl. Also regarding the stereotiypes, the character won´t look like a wallflower at all. That will lead to some misconceptions from our hero but he doesn´t look or behave like a wallflower or someone who wants attention. He is very hardworking, well prepared and expirienced in most of the other parts of life.

So, I´m sorry for my assexual thing. This is entirely because of my condition that almost reaches dyslexia. I just can´t help mistakes, not in my mothertounge, nor in englisch. You will find more in what I´m writing here :- /

About the story; To clarify, the character will not be cured of his asexuality or "fixed" in any way. Nor is it a disease. (SPOILER) Nikolai is not a real robbot either. His brain and most of his characteristic features were programmed before he was breed in a fabric uterus and as a baby given to his destinied family. His body is in and out almost entirely human. He has been modified in a way that he can get stronger and faster easily and also has a better smelling system and a certain smell, so he can always be found by his kind.
There are no other modifications.

The decision to make these humans asexual has to do with their characteristic feature of loyality. He is supposed to give all his passion and love (thus not armonatic) to his family.
They also would be getting a "wife" from their family that they are supposed to love later. they also don´t want them to have sex to not have to deal with reproductions. Welp, In the end it´s all about "humans playing gods"

From what I have read my predictions for his behaviour are mostly right.
He does not feel the desire to have sex, but he likes to be affectionate and hold/cuddle with his partner as to have her near and save. In the end he will come to an arrangement with his loved one that they are both comfortable with and that includes sex, wish seems possible from what you described.
The only unmatching thing is see is that he also has a hard time even getting an errection at the beginning of the story, this is the only thing they will together try to change and find ways around!

Nikolai also enters the relationship thinking she is one of the possible wifes his family could agree on - so he thinks she´s asexual at the start, possibly the only reasons he allows his attractions for her to grow in the first place.He will feel fucked in every way when he finds out he has been mislead by his "mother" to loosen his position in the family, like now he loves her and he is in deep shit.

No, I think all this should work. I´ll make it work. I know where to ask now if any new questions arise!

To link to the arrising discussion. We are entirely our genes , our given programmes AND what we have expirienced. Just let these people be. We are who we are and what we decide to be. Just let it be, let it be...whisper words of wisdom....let it be...

---

Thank you again for all your help! I whish I could give you more but the promise that I will execute his story, his developing and the representation of asexuals in the story with care and generally positive!
Thanks for taking care of me and my curiousity

@Chopythes This is the start of the story. You´ll figure it´s also mostly mistery/action and romance. It´s my first time trying to translate one of my stories...I hope it´s readable

[Michelle]

I'm glad the responses have helped you gain a better understanding! Just wanted to clarify one thing real quick--

The decision to make these humans asexual has to do with their characteristic feature of loyality. He is supposed to give all his passion and love (thus not armonatic) to his family.

Aromantic means not having romantic feelings toward others. So, loving your own family is separate from being aromantic, since the love you feel for family is different from romantic love (er, hopefully). Of course this is excluding your spouse/partner who would count as family.

[tayo_rafferty]

The ones that aren't probably have intimacy issues

I'm glad someone has made this distinction.

If you struggle with being hugged and kissed that means you have intimacy issues and should speak to a therapist. In fact I think anyone struggling with sexuality (or lack thereof) should discuss it with a medical professional.

It's also important to note that one bad relationship is no enough for you to swear off all sex and romance. Some people think they are asexual or a-romantic when in fact they have just had bad experience and/or the are afraid of opening up, so they create a wall around themselves and make up ideas like being asexual. The truth is if you have ever even had the inkling of desire for romance and/or sex at any time then you are not asexual or a-romantic. Perhaps these are concepts you could explore in your story.

[AnnaLandin]

I wasn't going to post in this thread any more, but here are my final two cents:

The truth is if you have ever even had the inkling of desire for romance and/or sex at any time then you are not asexual or a-romantic.

Sexuality is a fairly fluid spectrum, and asexuality is not an on/off switch for everyone. The asexual end of the sexual identity spectrum contains various sub-groups of sexual identities, and one should not dismissed as "confused" or "making up ideas" simply because one falls into one of these sub-groups rather than being completely disinterested in sex. A demisexual is still considered as being on the asexual end of the spectrum, for example, though they would be capable of experiencing sexual attraction under a very specific set of circumstances.

Your sexual history - or lack thereof - does not invalidate your current sexual orientation/identity.

Re: abuse as a cause. It is certainly true that abuse causes changes in sexual behaviour and self-identification, and people who do define themselves as asexual post abusive events or relationships should under no circumstances be dismissed or disbelieved. For some, it is a temporary state of being repulsed by the idea of sex due to experienced trauma, and for some it is an unpleasant way to discover one's actual sexual orientation. Both are valid things to feel/be.

However, presenting such a scenario in a story needs to be handled with care, as it comes with all the other baggage of surviving abuse. Coming to the realisation of one's sexual identity through abuse is a different experience than realising it without suffering through abuse.

.
And finally: "undecided" is a perfectly valid position to have re: sexual identity and orientation. Don't know what you are? That's 100% okay.

/friendly neighbourhood romantic ace.

[tayo_rafferty]

@AnnaLandin Sorry but I disagree with this. I think if people are going to make the assertion that someone is born homosexual (for example) then this should be consistent with any sexuality. If you're asexual then there should never have been a point in your life in which you personally had any real sexual desire. The definition of asexual is "without sexual feeling or association." So according to the definition someone who is asexual should never have had any sexual desire (if they are asserting that they were born with that sexuality) otherwise they may be some other explanation to asexuality. It may be a mental condition like Gender dysphoria; experienced by most transgender people.

I find the concept of something being "fluid" to be somewhat of a reductive 'cop-out'. If you want people to understand a sexuality or state of being then we need to find ways to understand it in more consistent and accountable terms so that we can truly differentiate those who are confused (yes they do exist) with those who truly are what they claim.

I am sceptical which is not the same as being dismissive.