Looking for someone asexual?

UrMom 2016-12-26 17:38:18 UTC #22

@indagold Yes, and I still stand by them being able to call themselves asexual. If they figure out that they're not later, I will stand by whatever they call themselves because I'm not one to godmod.

You're really close-minded if you think that, and you never answered my question.

This would be fun to continue, but as @shazzbaa, this is not the place to argue. If you want to keep arguing your views, please PM me.

indagold 2016-12-26 17:51:24 UTC #23

lol fine I'm close minded even if I said I can understand that someone can be confused/questioning or telling anyone they can identify as anything they want. Fine whatever, it's over with. I don't want to PM you or bother with this. I'm done.

infectedbloodcomics 2016-12-26 18:10:24 UTC #24

That's not it. It's like saying that atheism is a religion, which is not. Maybe learn how to make am argument, instead of being condescending.

I don't want to hijack the OP, so I'm done.

9outofPen 2016-12-26 19:56:33 UTC #25

Since people are so different, I think the main thing to remember is that your character can still feel love/affection if you want them to but they won't feel sexually attracted to anyone. They could even go through with sex for the sake of their partner, but they might not want it for themselves.

The only really 'wrong way' to write an ace character is to somehow invalidate or cheapen the orientation. For instance, they have sex only to realize they aren't asexual after all, or it was a medical condition all along, etc. Here's some good examples of what NOT to do:

punkarsenic 2016-12-26 21:46:15 UTC #26

im an asexual lesbian whose sexuality / orientation is deeply linked to abuse ive experienced so, thats where i was coming from. people are complex, trauma is also complex, and shit happens is all im saying

Merle 2016-12-27 00:06:18 UTC #27

Wow, this response is more than I could´ve wished for.

I read every comment carefully and I´ve taken a lot from it. I read the article mentioned which was very helpfull! The man´s explanations are very vivid. I tought the vid was supposed to be funny, but actually it was very educational.

It was very interesting to read that in some parts asexuals aren´t accepted by the LGBT community! He won´t receive much outside hate for him being this way because he never makes it a topic - which seems to be a check - mate looking what you expirienced and how you´ve acted irl. Also regarding the stereotiypes, the character won´t look like a wallflower at all. That will lead to some misconceptions from our hero but he doesn´t look or behave like a wallflower or someone who wants attention. He is very hardworking, well prepared and expirienced in most of the other parts of life.

So, I´m sorry for my assexual thing. This is entirely because of my condition that almost reaches dyslexia. I just can´t help mistakes, not in my mothertounge, nor in englisch. You will find more in what I´m writing here :- /

About the story; To clarify, the character will not be cured of his asexuality or "fixed" in any way. Nor is it a disease. (SPOILER) Nikolai is not a real robbot either. His brain and most of his characteristic features were programmed before he was breed in a fabric uterus and as a baby given to his destinied family. His body is in and out almost entirely human. He has been modified in a way that he can get stronger and faster easily and also has a better smelling system and a certain smell, so he can always be found by his kind.
There are no other modifications.

The decision to make these humans asexual has to do with their characteristic feature of loyality. He is supposed to give all his passion and love (thus not armonatic) to his family.
They also would be getting a "wife" from their family that they are supposed to love later. they also don´t want them to have sex to not have to deal with reproductions. Welp, In the end it´s all about "humans playing gods"

From what I have read my predictions for his behaviour are mostly right.
He does not feel the desire to have sex, but he likes to be affectionate and hold/cuddle with his partner as to have her near and save. In the end he will come to an arrangement with his loved one that they are both comfortable with and that includes sex, wish seems possible from what you described.
The only unmatching thing is see is that he also has a hard time even getting an errection at the beginning of the story, this is the only thing they will together try to change and find ways around!

Nikolai also enters the relationship thinking she is one of the possible wifes his family could agree on - so he thinks she´s asexual at the start, possibly the only reasons he allows his attractions for her to grow in the first place.He will feel fucked in every way when he finds out he has been mislead by his "mother" to loosen his position in the family, like now he loves her and he is in deep shit.

No, I think all this should work. I´ll make it work. I know where to ask now if any new questions arise!

To link to the arrising discussion. We are entirely our genes , our given programmes AND what we have expirienced. Just let these people be. We are who we are and what we decide to be. Just let it be, let it be...whisper words of wisdom....let it be...

Thank you again for all your help! I whish I could give you more but the promise that I will execute his story, his developing and the representation of asexuals in the story with care and generally positive!
Thanks for taking care of me and my curiousity

@Chopythes This is the start of the story. You´ll figure it´s also mostly mistery/action and romance. It´s my first time trying to translate one of my stories...I hope it´s readable

Michelle 2016-12-27 04:00:09 UTC #28

I'm glad the responses have helped you gain a better understanding! Just wanted to clarify one thing real quick--

Aromantic means not having romantic feelings toward others. So, loving your own family is separate from being aromantic, since the love you feel for family is different from romantic love (er, hopefully). Of course this is excluding your spouse/partner who would count as family.

tayo_rafferty 2016-12-27 10:02:35 UTC #29

I'm glad someone has made this distinction.

If you struggle with being hugged and kissed that means you have intimacy issues and should speak to a therapist. In fact I think anyone struggling with sexuality (or lack thereof) should discuss it with a medical professional.

It's also important to note that one bad relationship is no enough for you to swear off all sex and romance. Some people think they are asexual or a-romantic when in fact they have just had bad experience and/or the are afraid of opening up, so they create a wall around themselves and make up ideas like being asexual. The truth is if you have ever even had the inkling of desire for romance and/or sex at any time then you are not asexual or a-romantic. Perhaps these are concepts you could explore in your story.

AnnaLandin 2016-12-27 10:53:26 UTC #30

I wasn't going to post in this thread any more, but here are my final two cents:

Sexuality is a fairly fluid spectrum, and asexuality is not an on/off switch for everyone. The asexual end of the sexual identity spectrum contains various sub-groups of sexual identities, and one should not dismissed as "confused" or "making up ideas" simply because one falls into one of these sub-groups rather than being completely disinterested in sex. A demisexual is still considered as being on the asexual end of the spectrum, for example, though they would be capable of experiencing sexual attraction under a very specific set of circumstances.

Your sexual history - or lack thereof - does not invalidate your current sexual orientation/identity.

Re: abuse as a cause. It is certainly true that abuse causes changes in sexual behaviour and self-identification, and people who do define themselves as asexual post abusive events or relationships should under no circumstances be dismissed or disbelieved. For some, it is a temporary state of being repulsed by the idea of sex due to experienced trauma, and for some it is an unpleasant way to discover one's actual sexual orientation. Both are valid things to feel/be.

However, presenting such a scenario in a story needs to be handled with care, as it comes with all the other baggage of surviving abuse. Coming to the realisation of one's sexual identity through abuse is a different experience than realising it without suffering through abuse.

.
And finally: "undecided" is a perfectly valid position to have re: sexual identity and orientation. Don't know what you are? That's 100% okay.

/friendly neighbourhood romantic ace.

tayo_rafferty 2016-12-27 11:19:14 UTC #31

@AnnaLandin Sorry but I disagree with this. I think if people are going to make the assertion that someone is born homosexual (for example) then this should be consistent with any sexuality. If you're asexual then there should never have been a point in your life in which you personally had any real sexual desire. The definition of asexual is "without sexual feeling or association." So according to the definition someone who is asexual should never have had any sexual desire (if they are asserting that they were born with that sexuality) otherwise they may be some other explanation to asexuality. It may be a mental condition like Gender dysphoria; experienced by most transgender people.

I find the concept of something being "fluid" to be somewhat of a reductive 'cop-out'. If you want people to understand a sexuality or state of being then we need to find ways to understand it in more consistent and accountable terms so that we can truly differentiate those who are confused (yes they do exist) with those who truly are what they claim.

I am sceptical which is not the same as being dismissive.

indagold 2016-12-27 13:59:33 UTC #32

I agree somewhat, lacking sexual/romantic attraction makes you100% asexual/aromantic but if you do experience it rarely but not always you could be grey-asexual. I completely agree if you have experienced attraction all your life and only feel repulsed by sex then you might not be asexual. Gender dysphoria though is kinda different and unrelated?

UrMom 2016-12-27 14:15:13 UTC #33

Well this is moderately depressing. Like, the human brain is not a textbook, it doesn't always go exactly by the rules. I do agree that some people may be confused and need treatment, but it's not like a change in attraction via abuse happens on a regular bases. If it were to happen all the time, causing harm to LGBT+ people, I would understand cynicism without learning more about that person first. But I've only ever heard that conclusion from 3 or 4 people out of the hundreds of LGBT+ people I've met, maybe you all have experienced this incident more than me.

Oh well, I'll have to go back to the drawing board and refigure things out. Really thought I had it this time. :/

donathinfrye 2016-12-27 15:30:45 UTC #34

After reading this thread, curious myself (since it deals with a subject that I'm just not very familiar with), I just want to say this, in regards to self-identification:

Every person has the right to identify in whichever way they want. We create words to serve our needs, not the other way around; we need not fit ourselves into a rigid box definition of our own invention. The human experience is a dynamic, amazing, varied thing -- and isn't it great that we all experience it in different ways?

There's never a good reason to tell someone that how they are identifying themselves is wrong. We're all on the same life-long quest to figure out who we are, what we want, and who we will become. I think that it's important for us all to respect that, no matter how we self-identify.

infectedbloodcomics 2016-12-27 15:39:23 UTC #35

Even if they believe they are Napoleon Bonaparte or a dragon? Where does this stop? Personally, I don't identify as a woman and as a lesbian, I AM a woman and a lesbian. Simple facts of biology and life can't be ignored, because they won't ignore you.

donathinfrye 2016-12-27 15:43:12 UTC #36

Edited for specification:

I don't think it's good to compare the topic here (the idea of asexuality as a spectrum) to someone believing they are a dragon. My understanding is that asexuality is fairly common, and believing one's self to be a dragon (and not a human) could be actually dangerous and signal dissociative mental illness.

So, I suppose it stops when we start talking about dissociative mental illness, or self-identification that would encourage you to be violent against others or yourself.

But that's not what we're talking about here, right? I'm not here to pick a fight with you, but your argument's a bit of a straw-man. I think my initial post above inferred that I was talking about sexuality.

infectedbloodcomics 2016-12-27 15:58:21 UTC #37

Essentially, you are validating mental health problems. Perfect.

I was referring to your claim that anyone can identify as anything, which makes absolutely no sense.

donathinfrye 2016-12-27 16:00:02 UTC #38

Yeah, that's absolutely not what I'm doing. Edited above to be super clear for you.

infectedbloodcomics 2016-12-27 16:29:41 UTC #39

No, it wasn't clear at all, thanks for clarifying.

indagold 2016-12-27 17:23:45 UTC #40

A lot of psychological/medical studies show sexual orientation is permanent and from birth. Yes psychological/homornal/behavioral/societal pressures in life can cause you to be confused/change your perception but ultimately studies show sexual orientations do not change. You can experience your sexuality differently because of events in your life and there's nothing wrong with that but honestly you have to at least understand the years of research was put into understanding this. Sexual fluidity is a philosophy but not scientifically based. When it comes to something strictly biological in nature you have to understand how it works first. Look most lgbt people think they're straight at first, it's a matter of being comfortable with who you are in the end.

almondjoy445 2017-01-02 21:30:53 UTC #41

Never forget the discovery of asexuality either. Like any other sexuality there's a lot of questioning as to if you're normal or not. As I was growing up, I never really developed a sexual attraction to anyone, it just never interested me but I kept telling myself that there was no such thing as asexuality and that maybe I just had to find the right person. It wasn't until I was around 22 that I was talking to my sister (who is now married to her hubby) about sexuality and how I never really had interest in a sexual/romantic relationship with people. She was the one who helped me realize that asexuality was legitimate sexuality.

It might be a good idea to have your character question themselves over their sexuality.