Microcheating or whatever it is, where do you stand?

[ninjashira]

I personally hate the term "microcheating," because it minimizes the fact that it's still cheating. It's like it's trying to make it seem like they didn't actually cheat, they just cheated a little, so it's not as bad. "I flirted with another person and I kissed them once, but it's not like we had sex, so I'm not a total jerk."

[HGohwell]

But that is cheating. I've never seen anyone apply microcheating to that. Microcheating is "small, seemingly harmless things that you might not notice but are still cheating". See my post above for things that are actually considered microcheating by a lot of articles.

[AceRagz]

There are several things on this list that I can see as can as over blowing a situation and require context in each situation otherwise it is over reacting.

[feardeer]

It depends on the relationship. I might be a little biased since I have some unusual views on relationships in general, but I see flirting as silly fun most of the time. That said, communicating your boundaries and comfort levels with your partner is paramount. Don't just assume they'll be okay with it, and don't be dismissive of their concerns. In the context of your brother and the way you've described him, I don't see it as a fun joke, just a bright red warning flag. His ex was right to be upset, and I have to wonder how he'd have reacted if their roles had been reversed.

[Freemints30]

I hate that term with a passion of 100 burning suns. It is either cheating or its not. Yes there are situation where is ambiguous like the ones above, however those are more of a communication issues that were already present . But your brother, no offense, seems like a bit of a tool and this might have been the straw that broke the camel's back, in a long line of problems.

[rajillustration]

Chances are the texts weren't the first offense. I dated a guy who was juggling so many random girls and whenever I confronted him about it (it was so freakin obvious on Facebook and everyone was telling me what he was up to, it was just so blatant) that he was like "Oh it's nothing" because he just wanted to have as many "options" open as he could. Anyways I got tired of being just another option, so I cut him off.

He thought it was over a smaller thing, because that was the thing the he was caught doing when I finally snapped and was like "this is done"--but it was only the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. He had been a bucket of flirty problems with every girl he came in contact with since day 1.

And then he turned around and told everyone I knew that I was crazy for breaking up with him and it's like...no one even listened to him at that point they were like "yeah he's one of those." I doubt your bro is as bad as this particular guy was--this particular guy was unique in his douchiness--but firty texts are like cockroaches, you see one that means there's a thousand others hiding somewhere in your apartment.

[ratique]

I suspect that this wasn't her only reason to end a 3 year long relationship, but aside of that:

After 3 years I would suspect that he knows the limits of what is acceptable for his now Ex and what isn't. He crossed that line knowingly anyways and she is in the right to cut him off before the "joke" becomes reality.

[beta1042]

If you don't trust the person you're with after that long of time, it probably is the best move to break up and move on.

[vfinnigan]

Hard nope. I'd have dumped him too. Even if he was joking, he obviously let that other relationship get far too intimate.

[indagold]

There's no such thing as microcheating because why go into a committed relationship and cheat in the first place? If you're that bad at monogamy just do hook ups or open relationships, problem solved. Why are people so dumb lol

[LordVincent]

Cheating at its core is a matter of breaking boundaries and lacking respect for the partner's wishes. People who do these things would more often than not be equally bad in a polyamorous or friends-with-benefits relationship because their lack of respect for other people and their limits is still there.

So in a polyamorous relationship for example, the person would break agreed upon boundaries in regards to how many partners the people involved may be willing to introduce, the rate at which new partners are welcomed, they may engage in romantic relationships with people outside the agreed partnerhood without letting anyone know (if such a requirement is agreed upon, which it often is in long term poly relationships).

In a friends-with-benefits situation the person might start sleeping with the partner's sister/brother, their close friends, they might start pushing them to do sexual activities they are uncomfortable with...

Basically cheating at its core is not a unique concept, it's one of the many forms that abuse and disrespect within intimate relations can take. People who cheat because they are poly, or gay, or aromantic or whatever are extremely rare. People who are those things AND cheat most likely exist in the same percentage among cheaters as they do in the general population, but their sexual/romantic orientation is not their main reason for cheating. People cheat for the same reasons that they neglect, insult and manipulate. They are selfish, broken, abusive and pathetic people.

[indagold]

Poly isn't hook ups though and poly isn't an lgbt identity, it's just a relationship choice. People can choose to be poly or monogamous.

[Cavechan]

I don't blame her at all, but like another poster said, maybe the boundaries weren't clear or discussed. Like some people think just watching porn is cheating. Some people would consider this friendly banter. Personally, I would be very upset with my husband if he talked to someone else in this way. He has me to talk to in that way, he shouldn't have to go to someone else for it. And if someone else tried to approach him, I'd totally be like "BACK OFF". But luckily my husband is weird so that hasn't happened. lol

[LordVincent]

Poly is not hookups, I didn't say it is. Polyamorous relationships are relationships involving more than 2 people where the terms of the relationship are agreed upon with all the people involved. Cheating can exist in polyamorous relationships too because cheating is essentially just breaking the boundaries that were agreed upon, whatever those may be.

Poly can, however, be an identity. Whether or not it belongs under the lgbt umbrella is a debate I won't go into, but poly is an identity. Some people love in a way that is very exclusive. When it becomes exclusive varies, but regardless they are only suited for monogamy. That would be someone who not only engages in monogamous relationships, but has a monogamous identity. Some people are so likely to fall in love with multiple people that they simply would never work in a monogamous relationship. It would make them feel trapped. This would be someone who does not just engage in polyamorous relationships, but has a polyamorous identity.
A lot of people fall somewhere inbetween and could engage in either, but are more likely to go monogamous since that is just the easiest way to go in current society. These people, unlike the people with a poly identity, don't feel trapped in a monogamous relationship because polyamorous freedom is not a fundamental need for them in intimate relationships.

[penguininvasion]

I like what @LordVincent said; no matter what you call it, cheating means crossing boundaries that have already been established for the relationship.

My husband and I have a very close relationship and we talk about pretty much everything. And we've talked about flirting with others and whatnot. It doesn't bother us, so we do it. We both have our crushes and we talk about it all the time, too. But we both know that neither of us will just go off and have private conversations with another person and keep it from each other. If he flirts with his crush, I hear all about it because I enjoy it. It goes both ways. But we're not ever going to keep something from the other person because that crosses a line.

Communication, communication, communication.

[indagold]

idk why you replied to my comment then cause I wasn't talking about poly lol was just saying if you don't want a dedicated relationship why not just do hook ups instead of beating around the bush.

[Voyeur]

If the recipient isn't laughing ... it's not a good joke.

Agreed with the whole "micro" being superfluous. Did they have no-flirting terms? Would it have been 'a joke' if he saw his girlfriend doing the same thing?

[TAMAnnoying]

While I don't think you should just terminate a long term relationship over a few texts (if that's all it was), I do think you shouldn't, you know, ask other people to date you when you're in a monogamous relationship, even if it is just a "joke".

I ask my lady friend all the time to dump her bf and be gay with me. It's a joke, the bf knows the joke and even makes it himself sometimes. Relationships are complicated and (like people) will always be treated differently from person to person. Treating relationships as if their is a code of conduct that can be applied to every single one of them is... a bit narrow-minded. The only real rule that is important for relationships is communication.

However SO dont need to be aware of EVERY step you take and ever person you are confining in. Especially if you're talking to friends about the SO cause you are unsure how to deal with a current relationship bump your both going through. This is where things like "always need to read your messages when asked" and "need to know all of your lady friends and when your spending time with them" becomes really toxic and weird for me.

As for your brother, Id honestly need more information besides "he was flirting over text" cause BOY do i do that all the time. I TEND to explain this to a long term partner once we get out of the "causal dating" phase, but its not something i'm willing to stop doing because i find it fun and it can break the ice a lot with a lot of online friends i have. Just like I would not stop role playing relationships with my D&D friends just cause my SO is jealous for reasons that are fake and do not actually exist.

He should really try to talk out whatever his problem is with his ex as 3 years is a lot of time to spend together to give up over text. however if he >IS< cheating then its good they've broken up- but- you might wanna maybe ask if he's having some depression or self estem issues, as those tend to correlate with a large percentage of people who cheat. It's a strange mentality of "what if I'm not ACTUALLY attractive" because you've been off the market for so long and people (obviously) wont take interest in you because you're not single. So you often seek out someone whom finds you attractive and proceed to make poor life choices.

[vfinnigan]

Nah. I don't think poly or mono is a choice. Some people find one person, commit to them, and find the idea of sleeping with anyone else almost physically repulsive. I'm one of those.

[Kiweevil]

Brushed my hair today, guess I be cheatin'

Lol