Odd question I know. And sorry if this is too long.
Honestly can't believe I'm talking about this truthfully.
But I've had these feelings for a while so I was curious if what I'm dealing with is pretty common.
I'll try to explain as best I can.
At times I find myself not knowing who I truly am as a person or what my passions or interests are. This is also followed by depression that can go days or weeks. Most of the time I manage it pretty well by ignoring it all and pushing through but things have intensified as of late. A lot has been going on in my life lately such as losing some family members, job changing, and on top of that moving so I'm not sure if that's just fueling it or what.
Usually when I get like this, I start to question my passion of being an artist as well as questioning my day job as a developer. I tend to feel unmotivated and often wonder if I should quit all of it. But then have no idea what I'd do if I did quit. I'm hesitant to let them go because I do still love being an artist and a developer. It doesn't stop there though. My head starts filling with thoughts that people around me are doing things to be malicious at times as well as a bunch of other negative thoughts that just spiral and make me feel worse and worse... It makes me super upset because I know it's all in my head and it's not the truth but I can't help thinking that way.
I have become pessimistic of a lot of things in more recent years. I think back to how I used to be when I was younger and I feel as if I was much happier and had more of a solid idea of who I was and what I wanted to do. I also never had these thoughts and was always able to see the best in everything with no negativity coming to mind. I want to return to that but I have no idea how.
I feel like if I could just shake this negative garbage, I could be a happier person overall and remain motivated to keep up with my passions. I know the people around me love me, and I'm fortunate to have a job to help me survive. But this stupid rain cloud just keeps lingering. Growing and shrinking in a cycle. It's like. Logically I know I shouldn't feel this way but the emotional side of me is bugged or something.
Is this weird? I was a bit hesitant to post this because I'm pretty reserved about it normally because most people I've mentioned it to in real time have either not understood or just gave me the glorious advice of "just be happy". However it's really bothering me today and it feels like I need to leave work to avoid shutting down. According to my SO, I had a mental break some weeks ago which is wild because I'm usually stronger than this so it's somewhat alarming to hear that. So spur of the moment or not, I said what the hell.
I'd prefer not to get to this point again so maybe talking about it on here will help? Idk.
Any of you experience anything similar?