Novel Criticism: Let's post our novels and critique each others' first chapter (nicely of course!)

impossiblesoul 2020-08-13 03:16:08 UTC #1

Hi! I'm newish here, and I had an epiphany recently. I was so tunnel-visioned on promoting my writing that I failed to notice a major problem with my story until a friend pointed it out, and so it occurred to me I should make a topic for us to critique each other's writing.

It was pointed out to me that I had put too much effort into making my main character a caricature of an angsty guy. Making him an angster was the goal (I like main characters who start off small and go through lots of positive character development), but I went too hard on it, and I wasn't aware of how bad it was until I reread it again after being told so.

I edited out some of it and fixed it up, but it made me realize that there could be other flaws with my work-in-progress story. In fact, I'm sure we all might have some problems with our writing, and so I figured this would be a good topic to share criticism.

If you post your novel here, and depending on how busy I get, I'll consider critiquing the first chapter (or more if the themes are down my alley). Feel free to critique each other, too.

And if someone critiques mine, then I'll put equal constructive effort into critiquing yours:

I can delete this topic if people think it's a bad idea. Let me know.

cherrystark 2020-08-13 03:20:41 UTC #2

Title: The Museum
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy

WillowTree 2020-08-13 03:29:37 UTC #3

Ok, just notes as I'm reading.

I, personally, don't like how we don't find out Will's name until several paragraphs in
I also find it odd that we don't find out his sister's name at all in the first chapter since she was there talking to him.
Besides those two things, I really enjoyed it! It had good imagery and does make you want to continue reading to find out what happens next! I tried to copy and paste a line I liked, but I guess we can't do that? Or I'm just not sure how to highlight on Tapas website lol. But this line - "The dirt path he had forked down would bring him to that familiar pond, the one to which the frogs would croak and the cat tails would sway to the tune of tall chinkling pines hemming in the farm clearing." I thought it did a great job capturing the peace of the area

Here's mine!

impossiblesoul 2020-08-13 03:42:11 UTC #4

This may be personal taste, but I think the opening statement should be a better reader-puller somehow. I think something bothers me about the triple combination of, "of," "from", and "on" so closely together in the first line.
I would avoid using the word "oval" in "the four oval wings", because oval is a very rudimentary shape description of wings.

Other than those two gripes, I was somehow both pulled in and off-put by the levels of esoteric description, both intrigued to find out what it all meant and also scratching my head. That probably boils down to reader preference.

Overall, it left me wanting more. I'll read more of it for sure.

impossiblesoul 2020-08-13 03:57:11 UTC #5

Thank you for the feedback! I went ahead and added in their names much earlier in.

As for yours, I'm actually having trouble finding problems with it; your grammar and prose are excellent. It pulled me in immediately and kept me reading. I like the tone of indignation, it keeps the reader tense knowing there may be conflict upcoming.

I haven't read past episode one yet, but do your other characters have any accents or ways of talking? For instance, sometimes a character may say "Lemme" instead of "Let me", or "I'm lookin' good" instead of "I'm looking good." There's a name for that kind of styling but it's slipping my mind. I think I'd like to see more of that, although that depends on which characters talk in those ways (the ones so far might not).

Otherwise, pretty dang good. I'll be following this.

ivanskilling 2020-08-13 04:11:58 UTC #6

Welcome to Tapas! I took a look at your first chapter and I'm really liking the descriptions. The characters are interesting so far, and the cliffhanger is a good hook.

I only have a few suggestions. The first sentence is a little odd and could do with a better flow. Maybe "Stars twinkled" would be a better start too. Also, it's just my own personal preference but when hair is described as "chocolate hair" twice in the span of a chapter, it comes off a little Mary Sue. Chocolate also makes me hungry lol. When Will's mother is first mentioned, it's as "her" which makes the reader confused as to who the "her" is. Saying that it's his mother upfront would make it clearer. Hope that helps!

I would love any critique on either of my stories! (Posting both just in case you'd prefer to look at one of it)

Genre: Mystery, Drama, Psychological Thriller

Genre: Science Fiction, Action

Berserker 2020-08-13 04:14:02 UTC #7

I just added a new chapter to the beginning of my novel. It was a struggle doing it after the fact on Tapas but it will be worth it. I'll review Ivanskilling Devil's Triangle first chapter. I haven't had a chance to take a look at it yet.

EDIT:I'll do a couple of Ivanskilling chapters they are pretty short and punchy.

REVIEW: First 3 Chapters.

Chapter 1: I liked the e-conversation at the beginning. I only wished for a little more context about her former job and some of the circumstances surrounding her losing her fame. I like these short chapters, but this first one was a little too short.

Chapter 2: I really like this chapter. It's a good introduction to Thomas and Marsha. I liked them both by the end.

Chapter 3: Great chapter! An even better e-conversion to start it. I like them as little intros to a chapter. Good confrontation with a Karen! It introduced a good amount of tension to the novel, and I am interested to see where it goes.

lunagraves714 2020-08-13 04:23:04 UTC #8

So far I like what I'm reading, but the sentence starting with "He plucked the ear bud out..." reads a bit long. You might want to consider making it two sentences. Also instead of saying "he composedly stated" you could say "he stated in a composed manner" which is longer I know, but composedly sounds just a little off to me. (Just a suggestion) Another suggestion would be to say "grabbing the handle to twist open to the outside world" instead of "grabbing to the handle..." Other than that, I love your descriptions and the diverse vocabulary you used! Overall I think it's very well-written, and it's a great opening chapter!

Dizwikz 2020-08-13 04:24:08 UTC #9

I think it was really well written and there was good use of descriptors in the story. The characterization felt pretty good and it set up an interesting premise. Also liked how it starts off with him looking up towards the sky and then everything else happening towards the end with that set up already there.

impossiblesoul 2020-08-13 04:33:36 UTC #10

It seems I have a problem with omitting names, I'll work on that, thank you. My first sentence is something I've been messing around with, never feeling satisfied with it. I'll fix the second chocolate hair mention in the first chapter.

Your novels have a lot of thematic flair and style! The prologue and first episode of Devil's Triangle is a powerful opening.

I was getting buried into Dark Bytes when I came across this line:
"A quick scan of the house revealed three rooms and the living room cum kitchen in front of her."
I assume this was a mistake, or you're testing me to see if I'm reading!

Very good action-writing there though.

WillowTree 2020-08-13 04:42:17 UTC #11

I'm also more than happy to critique some others who have posted! Just tag me when you do mine and I'll read yours as well

Dizwikz 2020-08-13 04:56:26 UTC #12

The second sentence reads a little awkwardly when it describes him brushing past people in the market. I'd say overall it was pretty good world building and enough is described to allow me to picture what is going on and to see how cruel this society is. Makes me interested in the social dynamics and hierarchy of the world.

impossiblesoul 2020-08-13 05:01:49 UTC #13

The first thing I notice is that the color descriptions are simple. With colors, I sometimes open an online thesaurus and/or color site to look at names and pick them out. Personally, I prefer stuff like "azure skies" as opposed to "blue skies", or "chocolate" instead of "brown". In your case, "light green" could mean a variety of different colors, so being specific can stimulate the reader.
I would also avoid using words like "with" too often when you describe characters, and I would also try more of "show don't tell" when it comes to describing. Instead of saying, "she -attacked- him with a barrage of fire bolts", you could try something like, "She braced her staff and fired, the barrage of fiery bolts erupting from..." etc
It takes some getting used to, but I had a similar habit I had to break awhile back, and that was me using the word"for" too much instead of "because" or "due to" or "owed to".

The rest isn't too bad. In fact, your writing significantly improves as it goes!

ScarletDemon 2020-08-13 05:07:45 UTC #14

Sorry for the huge post here, but hey, I've got options for everyone to chose from.
Genre: High Fantasy Medical Drama

Genre: Sci-fi Futuristic Romance

Genre: High Fantasy LGBT Romance

Genre: High Fantasy Horror

and lastly:
Genre: Low Fantasy Drama/Coming of Age

WillowTree 2020-08-13 05:10:27 UTC #15

Oh my gosh, that was an enjoyable read. It was perfectly ridiculous! "The well maintained pompadour that was the source of his manly pride" and the 'fresh to death' line... It is a really fun read and I'm sorry that I don't have a criticism for you

ScarletDemon 2020-08-13 05:15:22 UTC #16

@Dizwikz Read the first chapter of Tales of New Jump City and gotta say, it seems really cool. You really quickly get an idea of what kind of story to expect, gets right into the action and the vivid way things are described really paints the picture vivid. Nice work, look forward to reading the next chapters.

Berserker 2020-08-13 05:18:17 UTC #17

Thank you! I was originally going to call her skin color gray-green but looking at it again decided there wasn't enough gray. Perhaps a better description would be green, like the colour of leaves on the trees. There are a few shades of green on trees, but unless it is a pine it tends to be lighter.

And you're right, I should have mentioned that she was conjuring her firebolts into her palm, then projecting them forward. That paints a better picture than the machine gun fireballs it might have sounded like.

I'm glad you liked the rest! I'll look for my usage of the word 'for'. I'm trying to break any bad habits with this first novel.

impossiblesoul 2020-08-13 05:21:43 UTC #18

I was using "for" as an anecdotal story to relate to the "with" problem I noticed. I realize I worded that confusingly. You don't have a "for" problem at all, that was just me talking about my own habits I had to break. My bad!

impossiblesoul 2020-08-13 05:41:19 UTC #19

Thank you for the critique. I fixed the three problems!

As for yours, I actually have zero criticism to give. While dancing isn't my thing, I still felt very drawn in by your writing. The way you built the tension up, the way the criticism from the judges struck the main character with an absolute train wreck; I could vicariously feel the anxiety and hard feelings of failure there. Flow-wise, your writing is an immersive, smooth ride. Good stuff!

lunagraves714 2020-08-13 05:45:10 UTC #20

Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to review my intro! This was really fun, and I wish you the best of luck with your writing! And thanks a million for the sub, it means the world to me!