Offering feedback for novels!(Closed)

[azurehayalet]

Applications are open once again! I will accept 9 people as before before I close for catch up. Please don't read my story if you come a bit too late for the application(i.e. as 10th or later)

(Post has been edited)

Hello, everyone. I'm Azure. I have a bit more time than I know what to do with these days, so I decided to start this thread.

Who am I:

I'm a woman in her late twenties that is studying to get a Creative Writing Certificate. I have some experience with writing and I believe I'm good enough at it at this point to be in a position to help. Feel free to check my feedback down below if you're unsure about whether I can help you.

What's my intention:

To help other writers if I can to better themselves
Find interesting stories to read(I will not sub if I don't think I will read your story, dead subs hurt your chances)
Improve my review skills so I don't struggle with a class I'm thinking of taking

What will I do:

I will read three episodes
I will give feedback on parts that I think could be worded better and explain why
I will praise the parts that I think were done well and explain why

What will I not do:

Help with grammar and/or structure(I might make an exception if it's not too bad and doesn't need a total edit)

What I expect in return:

Please be patient as I work through the list. It might be slow sometimes
Be kind and respectful to me and the others
Please read two episodes of When the Moon Walks(link in my description) and give feedback in return

And that's all! Please leave a link to your novels down below ^^

(First queue finished)

Queue:

None for now

[diestreve319]

Hi, hope you can review my short stories/oneshots.

The Rainbow Girl
https://www.wattpad.com/story/344391199?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=ValerieEveDiestro&wp_originator=vuIOJO51rMwAb%2FL53wH29zNvghu%2B7oi87xq0PaeE0SgXXN%2B6w9mO2rEANtFUBqwCl6JRWRp%2BUTBnudDtBD9MRRcn731qHVaaDGUSF9IO4an3Twdi3wAVfnGBhunO0yOF

I Have A Secret
https://www.wattpad.com/story/342530312?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=ValerieEveDiestro&wp_originator=UzEK2LK0GcnUHufEQfpt%2FdBSMGxrlJ2%2FPKPFSMNOt4Zrtmiy6ywejF47i9J0WruWVsgoMXjtMOIMgkWptjPqRdbyE7ewG0JFFkDO1yl4HIwGwFi4RaAs894TetAXEwc6

[azurehayalet]

It's an unspoken(?) rule not to promote other sites so I'm afraid I will have to refuse. Do let me know if you ever publish on this site!

[Aeneas1]

Well, here we go then.

Read Lunacy: Being a Mystery of Lunar Proportions | Tapas Web Novels

[azurehayalet]

Episode 1:

• Bold start, I like it. I'm calling it bold because you're setting reader expectations really high and there's the risk of not being able to live up to it. Curious to see "all the horrors imaginable".

"My figure was quite emaciated" before "nothing notable about me" doesn't make sense. It's a notable thing to see a child visibly starving.

• "I looked out of the window of the train" could really use some more description. For example, is the train moving as he looks out? What does it look like outside? How does he feel about running away? You could add the reason for him running away here for a calmer and more immersive pace.

Episode 2:

• “I staggered around like I’d had too much beer to drink and rested near the statue”--> This part could use some more description as well. Why does he stagger? How do the cobblestones feel under his feet? Are they really prominent enough to compromise his balance?

• “rubbish tip of a school” made me chuckle. He has a bit of a temper, doesn’t he? Little details like this can really help with establishing the character.

• “I very rudely asked him who he was”-->this part could use more showing. Don’t tell us, show how rude he really is being.

• “What else would it be?”-->this part made me smile, too. I like how nonchalant this stranger is about this “vile” village. It also serves to bring the tension down a little.

Episode 3:

*I don’t have much to “fix” about this episode so I will tell you my overall impression. I feel like the people in this village are pagans and/or practicing witchcraft. The story has a mood to it, which I like because it means I was immersed enough to feel it. There are some places that could use some more showing/descriptions in this chapter as well but nothing too bad. What I can recommend for this is to imagine and really immerse yourself in the moment as you write the scene/s. What does the room/place look like? Smell like? Is it bright, noisy, quiet, unsettling etc?

Hope these comments help and thank you for trusting me with your story ^^

[bulgariansumo]

Oh, how kind of you! If you're still taking offers, I'd be interested hearing your thoughts on mine.

Read Galactiquest | Tapas Web Novels

[MelancholicOtaku]

Thanks for the thread

Read The Lost Forest | Tapas Web Novels

[azurehayalet]

Okay, I have added people to the queue from both the discord server and the forums. I'm closing applications until I catch up because nobody wants to wait forever, right? Thank you for understanding ^^

[azurehayalet]

I started reading your story, wanted to let you know. It might take a bit because I'm distracted today but I should be done in a few hours at the latest

[azurehayalet]

Episode 2:

• The first paragraph could use a bit more detail.

• I noticed that you use a lot of narration, which is fine if that's your style. It fits the story, too.

• Did the corporal send him the wrong way on purpose? You could make that a bit more clear but it's fine as is, too.

• "Time was of the essence"--> I like this paragraph. It's very playful and helps the reader understand his personality.

Episode 3:

• Did you omit the name of the "hero" on purpose? We don't witness his introduction.

• I like Roxanne's personality. She's very curious and brave as far as I can tell.

• I like the little details like the captain's cape getting stuck. It serves as comic relief and helps the reader bond with the story. Well done!

Episode 4:

• I'm curious about the departure time. Why did Leon say he was taking off in 30 minutes in the first chapter if they were going to stay there for another hour for the briefing? He could have said he was late to the briefing instead. Also, if everyone has a briefing, why was this ship the only one left at the airport?

Well, it was fun to read in any case. Very light-hearted and cozy so far. Thank you for trusting me with your story and I hope this helps ^^

[azurehayalet]

Episode 1:

• The first sentence confused me a bit. Who is speaking?

• Who does the voice belong to? Even if you don't reveal their complete identity, you need to provide enough for a picture in the reader's mind.

• "Loor is known for its seafood, the tollkeeper replied"--> Who is he replying to? What question/comment is he replying to?

• The events don't seem to be happening in order. I finished episode 1 and I'm not sure about what I just read due to it. I would recommend making the transitions clearer.

Episode 2:

• I noticed that you don't write enough descriptions, this could be one of the reasons why the story is so confusing to me. You have a picture in your mind but we only here snippets of it.

Episode 3:

• I like the name Zittle. It sounds cute and is fun to say.

• "the continent of Lithuania"--> Is it really Lithuania or did you mean Lithum as you wrote in a later paragraph?

I have finished episode 3. I can tell that you have a good idea but it needs polishing so we can see how good it is, too. We're not in your mind, so you will need to be clear from time to time. Thank you for trusting me with your story and I hope this helps ^^

[azurehayalet]

Please find my post in the discord server if you'd like to apply. It's difficult to keep track of both threads at the same time

Discord - A New Way to Chat with Friends & Communities

[MelancholicOtaku]

Thank you so much for the valuable feedback, I’ll definitely keep this in mind when I rewrite the story.

[bulgariansumo]

Thank you so much for your feedback!

Episode 2:

• Noted. I'll consider adding more detail.
• The first chapter is definitely more narration-heavy than most.
• Yes, though Leon doesn't realize he'd been tricked. I'll see if I can do something to make it a little more obvious to the reader, though.
• Thank you!

Episode 3:

• Yes, that character is revealed in a later chapter.
• Thank you. I'm glad you like her!
• I'm glad you enjoyed this moment, too!

Episode 4:

• Thanks for pointing that out! I don't think Leon was aware that there was going to be a briefing, but I should probably consider making his wording in the first chapter more vague. He knows for sure that he's supposed to meet up with the rest of the crew in 30 minutes. As for why their ship was the only one left? It's a military ship and a special one at that, so it was on a separate side of the spaceport than all the other ships.

[SereinChoo]

Hello might I be queue for a feedback, I would really appreciate it

Read ZuoMeng : To Dream | Tapas Web Novels

[azurehayalet]

Hello, this thread is closed and flagged for moderators to unlist it. If you would like to apply, you can head over to this thread instead

[joannekwan]

[joannekwan]