TWENTY-SECOND UPDATE! (Replies 266-283)
Dead at Night @AbsNi3
-...I know I’m not supposed to be laughing, but...🤣
=In a word: amateurish. I can tell what the comic is going for, but between the iffy grammar, awkward facial expressions, and poor portrayal of movement; the whole thing just comes off as goofy and half-baked. The art isn’t bad, a lot of it is very pretty (especially the more abstract backgrounds) but unfortunately it’s not doing its job. A comic with such dark subject matter really needs its audience to take it seriously in order to work, and I just...cannot.
The Cursed Paw @Hipiticus
-Interesting premise; very unique. ^^ I will say though that the profile picture looks quite childish; there’s got to be a nice stockphoto of a claw or something spooky out there that would better match the tone of this story.
-WAY too many adjectives in that first paragraph. o_O It makes the writing feel ‘bulky’ and overwhelming to read...which isn’t a great way to start your story.
=It’s hard to talk about writing like this...I guess if I had to describe it, I would call it “almost good”. It’s like 75% there; the narrative voice is almost immersive, the ideas almost flow. Each quality just has some issue holding it back.
For example, there’s the way Rumey’s thoughts are written into the narration. At first, I thought it was kind of cool; it felt like an anxious, emotion-driven stream of consciousness as he talked with his brother. But then you just kept on doing it, even for more mundane thoughts or more dramatic moments (that should probably have been paced slower…) and it was like “oh...so that wasn’t on purpose…”
It’s stuff like ^that that holds the writing back. Like you’ll have things that look like technique that turn out to be coincidence, or you’ll have a natural flow of ideas held back by awkward, unnatural dialogue (both internal and external). It’s the kind of thing that a writer usually grows out of, though, so I feel like these issues may just go away as you continue to learn and gain experience. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
The Nerd and the Loser @TheAuthor
-Very clunky start; the ‘techniques’ you use to establish the new setting and the MC’s confusion are extremely transparent. If you want to portray that a character is confused and suddenly waking up in a new setting, try showing that through his dialogue and internal thoughts. Not just by stating “he was confused” and occasionally sneaking “this is not in New York” into the narration...
-His only reference for the existence of Chinese is Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan movies...okay then…
...There’s probably a word for this kind of thing; I only know some rude phrases that I probably shouldn’t use in this thread. T_T But I will say this: I hope this (honestly unnecessary) line is indicative of the character’s ignorance and not the author’s.
=I think that you have an okay flow of ideas...unfortunately, literally everything else in the novel is dragging it down. Poor exposition, unnatural dialogue, very little character on display...it’s not the worst novel I’ve seen in this thread, but it’s still unpleasant to read.
Not Again @2_YuiAkane_2
-The synopsis is really...vague?? o_O Like, despite all those words, you really didn’t say anything specific about the story itself; it’s just a laundry list of romantic cliches. No character names or backgrounds or goals; nothing. The only thing that’s particularly interesting is the last line,indicating that this story will have stakes of some sort. But the rest honestly just feels like wasted space.
“I’m your course leader, Mr. Donovan.” The anonymous tall man looked briefly at the audience.
...If you literally just introduced him, he’s not anonymous anymore. o_O Like...try not to confuse the reader at the VERY beginning of the story.
-That was...the creepiest romantic meet-cute I’ve ever read. It’s just so awkward and devoid of chemistry…
Maybe it’s just me, but I think romance works better when it’s grounded. Have the people talk to each other like human beings...would you walk up to a perfect stranger and call them a ‘lost puppy’?? If you mysteriously felt ‘at home’ when someone spoke to you for the first time; wouldn’t you find it strange; or at least worth thinking about…? And I’m assuming this is a ‘magic realism’ element, and not just hormonal weirdness that I’m supposed to take for granted…
To be perfectly honest, having people meet for the first time and immediately start ogling each other CAN work. But you need to make it believable, and build personalities for them as you go (if you haven’t done it already). I’m not seeing a cute romantic moment, I’m seeing a weirdly overly-familiar interaction between one stranger with anxiety and another stranger who’s honestly super creepy. Like, call-the-cops creepy. ಠ_ಠ
-Is ‘walking ink stain’ supposed to sound complementary…? Because it doesn’t…
-Why are we judging the nameless stranger we just met 2 seconds ago and assuming he’s a “spoiled rich brat”??? o_O The fact that he has nice hair is all it takes??? Haircuts really aren’t that expensive, and seeing as it’s the first day of school, I assume most of the students are sporting fresh new looks??? Like, this is absolutely baffling; it feels like there was a paragraph missing or something...
=I feel like the vague synopsis actually gave me the right idea of this novel: a collection of empty tropes with no substance. The writing itself isn’t too bad; it’s actually pretty close to decent. But it feels like you aren’t really trying with this story; like I’m supposed to find it intriguing because it contains Anxious Guy on The First Day of School and Mysterious Stranger who’s Probably a Rich Guy I Guess...not because the characters underneath these tropes are actually entertaining, or because the situation is actually interesting.
Like, no offense, but it gives me the feeling of reading cheap pornography. “Just make the characters touch each other and act sexy; it doesn’t matter if they have names or ideas or anything! It doesn’t even matter if the story makes sense! We’re aiming for the lowest common denominator!” And I gotta say: not a fan. =/
JumpHero @Awesomeness_Studios
=In a word: adorable. ^^ The writing is a little awkward here and there, but the ideas make sense and the dialogue is entertaining and engaging. The art is simple, but it does its job, and the character designs and expressions are really cute. 
I don’t know if I’d want to sub to this comic yet, but I’ll definitely put it on my list. Keep up the good work!
