TWENTY-SECOND UPDATE! (Replies 266-283)
Dead at Night @AbsNi3
-...I know Iâm not supposed to be laughing, but...đ¤Ł
=In a word: amateurish. I can tell what the comic is going for, but between the iffy grammar, awkward facial expressions, and poor portrayal of movement; the whole thing just comes off as goofy and half-baked. The art isnât bad, a lot of it is very pretty (especially the more abstract backgrounds) but unfortunately itâs not doing its job. A comic with such dark subject matter really needs its audience to take it seriously in order to work, and I just...cannot.
The Cursed Paw @Hipiticus
-Interesting premise; very unique. ^^ I will say though that the profile picture looks quite childish; thereâs got to be a nice stockphoto of a claw or something spooky out there that would better match the tone of this story.
-WAY too many adjectives in that first paragraph. o_O It makes the writing feel âbulkyâ and overwhelming to read...which isnât a great way to start your story.
=Itâs hard to talk about writing like this...I guess if I had to describe it, I would call it âalmost goodâ. Itâs like 75% there; the narrative voice is almost immersive, the ideas almost flow. Each quality just has some issue holding it back.
For example, thereâs the way Rumeyâs thoughts are written into the narration. At first, I thought it was kind of cool; it felt like an anxious, emotion-driven stream of consciousness as he talked with his brother. But then you just kept on doing it, even for more mundane thoughts or more dramatic moments (that should probably have been paced slowerâŚ) and it was like âoh...so that wasnât on purposeâŚâ
Itâs stuff like ^that that holds the writing back. Like youâll have things that look like technique that turn out to be coincidence, or youâll have a natural flow of ideas held back by awkward, unnatural dialogue (both internal and external). Itâs the kind of thing that a writer usually grows out of, though, so I feel like these issues may just go away as you continue to learn and gain experience. ÂŻ_(ă)_/ÂŻ
The Nerd and the Loser @TheAuthor
-Very clunky start; the âtechniquesâ you use to establish the new setting and the MCâs confusion are extremely transparent. If you want to portray that a character is confused and suddenly waking up in a new setting, try showing that through his dialogue and internal thoughts. Not just by stating âhe was confusedâ and occasionally sneaking âthis is not in New Yorkâ into the narration...
-His only reference for the existence of Chinese is Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan movies...okay thenâŚ
...Thereâs probably a word for this kind of thing; I only know some rude phrases that I probably shouldnât use in this thread. T_T But I will say this: I hope this (honestly unnecessary) line is indicative of the characterâs ignorance and not the authorâs.
=I think that you have an okay flow of ideas...unfortunately, literally everything else in the novel is dragging it down. Poor exposition, unnatural dialogue, very little character on display...itâs not the worst novel Iâve seen in this thread, but itâs still unpleasant to read.
Not Again @2_YuiAkane_2
-The synopsis is really...vague?? o_O Like, despite all those words, you really didnât say anything specific about the story itself; itâs just a laundry list of romantic cliches. No character names or backgrounds or goals; nothing. The only thing thatâs particularly interesting is the last line,indicating that this story will have stakes of some sort. But the rest honestly just feels like wasted space.
âIâm your course leader, Mr. Donovan.â The anonymous tall man looked briefly at the audience.
...If you literally just introduced him, heâs not anonymous anymore. o_O Like...try not to confuse the reader at the VERY beginning of the story.
-That was...the creepiest romantic meet-cute Iâve ever read. Itâs just so awkward and devoid of chemistryâŚ
Maybe itâs just me, but I think romance works better when itâs grounded. Have the people talk to each other like human beings...would you walk up to a perfect stranger and call them a âlost puppyâ?? If you mysteriously felt âat homeâ when someone spoke to you for the first time; wouldnât you find it strange; or at least worth thinking aboutâŚ? And Iâm assuming this is a âmagic realismâ element, and not just hormonal weirdness that Iâm supposed to take for grantedâŚ
To be perfectly honest, having people meet for the first time and immediately start ogling each other CAN work. But you need to make it believable, and build personalities for them as you go (if you havenât done it already). Iâm not seeing a cute romantic moment, Iâm seeing a weirdly overly-familiar interaction between one stranger with anxiety and another stranger whoâs honestly super creepy. Like, call-the-cops creepy. ಠ_ŕ˛
-Is âwalking ink stainâ supposed to sound complementaryâŚ? Because it doesnâtâŚ
-Why are we judging the nameless stranger we just met 2 seconds ago and assuming heâs a âspoiled rich bratâ??? o_O The fact that he has nice hair is all it takes??? Haircuts really arenât that expensive, and seeing as itâs the first day of school, I assume most of the students are sporting fresh new looks??? Like, this is absolutely baffling; it feels like there was a paragraph missing or something...
=I feel like the vague synopsis actually gave me the right idea of this novel: a collection of empty tropes with no substance. The writing itself isnât too bad; itâs actually pretty close to decent. But it feels like you arenât really trying with this story; like Iâm supposed to find it intriguing because it contains Anxious Guy on The First Day of School and Mysterious Stranger whoâs Probably a Rich Guy I Guess...not because the characters underneath these tropes are actually entertaining, or because the situation is actually interesting.
Like, no offense, but it gives me the feeling of reading cheap pornography. âJust make the characters touch each other and act sexy; it doesnât matter if they have names or ideas or anything! It doesnât even matter if the story makes sense! Weâre aiming for the lowest common denominator!â And I gotta say: not a fan. =/
JumpHero @Awesomeness_Studios
=In a word: adorable. ^^ The writing is a little awkward here and there, but the ideas make sense and the dialogue is entertaining and engaging. The art is simple, but it does its job, and the character designs and expressions are really cute. 
I donât know if Iâd want to sub to this comic yet, but Iâll definitely put it on my list. Keep up the good work!
