Random out-of-place topic: what would you do, if your child would develop a personality, which you hate, when they grew up?

Shanny8 2019-06-24 10:10:17 UTC #5

I wouldnt think that my love for my child would ever diminish, but however- I wouldnt be a factor much in my child's life. Knowing me, there are things and personal ethical stances that I draw a line at; if my child crosses those lines, I cant condone or engage in that type of behavior so I would have to walk away(back off) as in the fact I cant/dont/wont deal with anyone who does.

Case in point- I'm an introvert AND I dont like to deal with people who are constantly in "messy drama"; I've dealt with a person in the past who dragged me through drama- it was DRAINING. "Now" me stays away from that type person; if my child was to turn out that way it would be painful having to do it but that is something my core being does not ever want to engage in again.

I would try to support them from afar-give advice, let them know that I still care, and try to help when I feel they really need it, but I just wouldnt be a constant factor; I'd feel like that in a way of sorts is enabling them to continue being the type of person they are & they wouldnt learn to be a better version of them.

DokiDokiTsuna 2019-06-24 11:15:26 UTC #6

I can't really imagine myself being a parent. Like, at all. But if something like that were to happen between me and my child, I'd probably just say 'it figures'. =/ That's the kind of stuff I get in my life...

I don't think I would bother too much with a kid who grew up to be a jerk...unless they tried to mooch off me or worse. I'm not the kind of mother who'll ignore criminal activity or violence; I'm not even the kind of sister who would ignore that. Hell, I'll call the police on you myself.

People tend to think they can walk all over me because I'm the kind of person who runs away from problems...but when those problems start trying to follow me around, you will see a side of me that you won't be prepared for. My peace of mind is my most valuable possession, and I will go to great lengths to protect it; 'family' be damned.

...Anyway, from the 'child disgusted by parents' POV, I'm already kind of there...it's not so bad that I hate my parents and/or don't want to associate with them, but it is at the point where I feel like I'm better off living on my own and staying in contact by phone, despite the fact that I'm still kind of dependent on them. It's this specific amount of distance that makes our relationships optimal...any closer and we'll start getting into fights. ^^;

vothnthorvaldson 2019-06-24 13:05:53 UTC #7

I could not have kids for this reason (and thousand others).
I need to be able to choose who I associate with, I'm not inclined to roll the dice.

In case of my parents, they are overall great. It's difficult to imagine them a different way, because if they had been bad parents I would most likely be dead since long.

ble 2019-06-24 13:16:30 UTC #8

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unknown_user 2019-06-24 13:17:53 UTC #9

Oh... I totally understand. This state of affairs is too familiar to me.

That's just great!

Yeah, this is one of the reasons why I don't want to have a children, too... (at least, now; I don't know if my views will change in the future or not )
Anyway, I think that it will be very useful for all responsible parents (and potential parents) to consider the problem, which I suggest to discuss in this topic, and decide, what will they do in this case, from advance.

Azifri 2019-06-24 13:41:55 UTC #10

Not sure if I can properly answer since I don't have kids and after 34 years I still have absolutely zero paternal/maternal instinct (or whatever that mysterious feeling is when people desire to have and raise children). The closest I could say is what I feel for my sister: I don't like many aspects of her personality, some even make it impossible for us to get along, but I still love her because I have known her since she was born, and I have seen her personality develop and given all the circumstances it makes sense. Later developed personality traits feel like a more superficial layer over a "core" that I know but might not be visible anymore. That core could also be a strong emotional bond that developed over many years, who knows.
Because of that I could never hate or not support her in any way I can. That's my way of rationalizing it.

Must be even worse for parents, or else I don't know how mine didn't go all crazy with me.

Kann 2019-06-24 15:08:55 UTC #12

That's actually one of my fears... xD I don't want to have kids, because I'm scared I'll raise a criminal, lol.

Though from the child pov, maybe that wouldn't be a big problem? I have a good relationship with my parents even though I don't agree on some of their views, so maybe if we're not talking about the extremes in terms of personality, me and my hypothetical child would somehow work it out? I'm a patient person. xD

sarrowsmith10 2019-06-24 15:22:05 UTC #13

I'm a parent, but my children are still little. I love them even on their worst days.

I've also seen the responses from parents whose children are responsible for school shootings. I've seen parents whose lives are dragged through the mud when their adult children commit murder and other atrocities. I've seen it in my own family where my uncle did some pretty horrible things to my grandma.

I don't know how I would react if my children did something really horrible. But from what I've seen, most parents still love their children despite the bad things they might do. However, many of those parents still condemn the bad behavior. Parents might cut themselves off from their children for their own emotional and physical well being too.

I had good examples of parents growing up. My brother often found himself on the wrong side of the law, ironic since my dad was a deputy. Every time my brother found himself in jail, my dad used it as a teaching moment. My dad never gave up on my brother. Ever. After my dad passed away, my brother turned his life around to honor my dad. Now he is the best of upstanding citizens and does more community work than any person I've ever met. I hope that I can be that kind of parent. That always sees the potential in my children and can help them learn and grow even when they screw up.

charliesackett 2019-06-24 15:28:29 UTC #14

First off, you don't have to love your parents. I haven't talked to my dad in 5 years and my life is better for it. Just because you're related doesn't mean you owe them shit and don't let anyone guilt you into thinking otherwise.

Also, there's a huge difference between love and like. You can love your kids but not like them. If raising a kid was conditional on liking them then the first time they throw a tantrum you'd chuck them out. The most you can do is TRY to raise a decent human being, and if it doesn't work out then there's not much you can do about that.

Maps 2019-06-24 15:30:24 UTC #15

I wouldn’t condone or support behavior that I disagreed with but I’m sure I’d have unconditional love for my child. But if they’re going to make choices or follow agendas that are difficult or wrong for me to align with, then they’re going to have to be independent at 18 and I would not be interested in helping them out unless I found it beneficial for them and others.
Also, I will not put up with my child being a bully. I hope to stress from early on how important it is to treat everyone around them well. But I also want them to stand up for themselves if they are the bullied and to not be afraid to ask me for help. I’d literally homeschool my child if they asked me to.
Anyway, I love the family I’ve grown up with and I’m sure I’ll not have a problem having love for my child.
I just want them to be good people.

unknown_user 2019-06-24 15:36:56 UTC #16

I don't agree. In my opinion, love includes like, because I think that love > like.
If parents raise a child despite they don't like them, I think that they are doing it not because of love, but because of parental duty.

You can forgive people their weaknesses, and continue to like them despite of it (especially knowing that nobody is not perfect, and kids obviously aren't as experienced in life as adults, so they do a lot of mistakes and silly and gross things, when they are small, but you know that it's normal for them, so you can just not to hold grudges on them and continue to like them). I don't see a contradiction here.

SuperRazz 2019-06-24 16:50:25 UTC #17

I have that same fear of raising a terrible human being that's why I'm quite pressured to be a better person so that I don't screw them up. Parents these days think that giving them shelter and food and sending them to school is enough. There's a lot of ways that you could screw up and ruin a child and that's why no matter what kind of person my potential child would turn out to be, I'd always feel responsible. It's fine if they turn out to have opposite beliefs but if they're harming people I feel like I would always have to apologize for their bad behavior or send my kid to jail if that's necessary. I would probably love them less but it would have been my fault too since I raised them. I don't even know if it's right to be guilty about it but that's how I would feel.

My parents are homophobes (I'm bi) , attempted to make us take careers my sis and I hated, and has done more unforgivable things. I don't feel obligated to like them but I have familial obligations towards them and that's that. I have other very unlikable family members who I only interact with if necessary. I think it's best to lessen interactions with them for my own sake.

What would you do though? You didn't answer your question
And what made you think of this question anyway?

unknown_user 2019-06-24 18:06:36 UTC #18

My parents and I have very different views on many things. Some of my views cause them disgust (such as atheism, moral relativism, free views on sex, very critical attitude toward "traditional values" etc). That's why I think about this topic.
What I myself do is just trying to minimize communications with them and keep my distance. Actually, I would still want to make them understand me, but don't know how.

SuperRazz 2019-06-24 18:24:46 UTC #19

I can relate

I don't either. I don't think you could really make them understand you unless they're willing to listen.

vfinnigan 2019-06-24 18:44:10 UTC #20

I'd feel like a failure as a parent, personally, but that's more about values and decisions than about temperament. I'd also lay down some ground rules and enforce them. If supporting my kids in anything they do comes at the expense of my conscience, they'll have to act on their own, and I can't rescue them from the consequences. That's a painful part of parenting adult children.

Of course, when my kids make good decisions, I'll proudly back them with all I can. That's the rewarding part of parenting adult children.

Shanny8 2019-06-24 19:08:55 UTC #21

THIS!!! I've only been screaming about this most of my life...lol

ratique 2019-06-24 19:38:00 UTC #22

My five cents: You can love someone even if you don't like them.

MegaRay 2019-06-24 20:48:05 UTC #23

I have alot of close family that have bad/negative personality, so I prepared myself for this. I will provide everything for my child and guide them to the right path regardless of their personality, should they still refuse to adapt when they become adults, (18+) they will have to be independent. I will still love them tho

Wumbl 2019-06-24 21:15:44 UTC #24

I don't believe family hold any obligations to each other beyond caregiving and simple love.

It's not right to verbally abuse or insult your kid for having a personality / opinions you dislike, but you're allowed to openly disagree with them. So long as you provide them with care and are not cruel to them you're parenting correctly.

I personally would just make it clear that I disagree but don't think any less of them as a person. After all, my own parents don't agree with my worldview or even some aspects of my identity. We openly dislike many things about each other. I believe that my mother has a lot of issues and is too stubborn and ableist to get help. I believe my father is a coward. They both believe I'm all kinds of evil for not being a conservative and for being bisexual (although strangely enough they're super supportive of me being homoromantic? classic biphobia)

We still support and help each other out of love, even if we don't like each other. Similarly, my extended family members are giving me and my partner some furniture for our first home together despite only one of them being accepting of our relationship. (shout out to my uncle for being an LGBT ally despite his upbringing btw big-ups)

Family is a pretty straight-forward concept. Sometimes you have to cut ties if they're a threat to you, but in any other case it's perfectly possible to dislike a family member and still be able to love them and benefit from having them around.

LT1986 2019-06-25 03:46:00 UTC #25

If I had a child that grew up to develop a personality or anything else that I hate, I would just treat them like most of the people in my life. I would treat them as associates. I would help them when they need help, ask them for help when I need it, and not hang out or share personal information with them.