I decided to choose your novel Evanescent because I think I've seen it at least once but never got to finish reading the prologue! This must be fate T0T
And to start things off? It really is!
Positives:
1 - I swear to God I am not a psychopath when I say this but I genuinely enjoy the premise of letting children/teenagers suffer a little in novels? I think there's some unspoken rule that, when writing more action-y novels. Younger NPCs are not supposed to be messed with and they should be spared from the brutality of life and I think that's a rather close-minded way to look at things!
Kids can suffer just as much as adults do so I'm proud of you for being able to show that in the prologue!
2 - Strong ladies will never cease to be in season. On Tapas [And this could genuinely be because I'm not looking hard enough] but it seems like there's always good male MCs but never any good female MCs! Once more, I applaud you for having a good female main character, judging from what I've read so far, she is Vanika(?) who has come from a harsh lifestyle Underground. She's not going to be all rainbows and dandelions even if that trauma was some years ago. So good on you for having a female character who's jaded by life!
3 - Your dialogue scenes are very action-y. It never feels like your character is just T-posing and talking while doing it! This is good as some authors can just have lines and lines and lines of dialogue without considering that their characters could be doing something else while in the middle of talking. [Remember, the overall goal is for your MC to feel real!]
Negatives:
1 - Still touching upon what I said was a positive above, certain descriptions here and there are almost strange in a way? What I mean by this is that they seem a little too action-packed. Now, I understand the whole rule of 'Show, don't Tell' but there needs to be a balance between the two. [Ex."Stand up." Clearwater extended her hand. The soldier unbelievable stared at her outstretched palm, going back and forth to her corporal. But when irritation started to get visible on the woman's face, he immediately took it and stood up.]
The sentence is good but it's very show-y! From what I've read, your main character is Vanika and even though it's written in third-person, don't be afraid to show and give her thoughts to the matter [Ex. "Stand up." Vanika (or Corporal if you're going for her name to be hidden for the time being) grumbled as she extended her hand, irritation beginning to take over her face. Her soldiers weren't doing the training they were supposed to be doing, they had entered this battle as if they were new recruits! Instead of placing so much hope within' them. From now on? Until her trust was regained, she'd have to go back to watching them]
2 - Your prologue was beautiful, it gives hints as to how/why the Corporal became the way she is in the current time period of the book! Yet, at the same time, some context is still needed in a way. (Now, if you plan to add this in future episodes, feel free to ignore this point) I recommend adding little details as to what Vanika has been doing all these years that lead up to her becoming a Corporal! What was her training like? How was she found in the forest when she was on the brink of death and etc!
These are all just my opinions though! Like the previous critique, I gave to someone else, my apologies if I came off a little harsh T-T. I wish you nothing but the best while writing and feel free to ask anything if you want critique again! Your book is genuinely interesting and I will be subscribing to it ^o^
