Romance: Friends to Relationships

[Kamikaze]

TL;DR - What makes two people go from friends to lovers?

A friend of mine challenged me to write something in a romance genre. Nothing crazy simple stuff. I'm not usually a romance writer, and I don't know a lot about it but I just tried to see what I could get. The feedback from my friend said this, "It's definitely well written, but I don't get why these two are lovers and not just really good friends."

I thought that was really good feedback, but the more I thought on it the more I found I couldn't answer. So I started asking my friends how THEY fell in love with their significant others. Most of that feed back was about, how they felt at ease around the other, how they admired a physical feature, one person said it was how they felt different around their lover, they had similar interests or the way they felt wanted and cared about. These are great places to go from but...these still don't explain how they fell in love. If I were writing on that front it'd be, "hey person A and person B like ______, and they're close, therefore they're lovers!" It seems so forced.

There's always the "You need chemistry!" idea, but when I ask "Okay but what is chemistry? What does that look like?" I get blank stares.

You guys I'm flummoxed. What makes two characters go from 'really good friends' to love interests? Based on real life stories romance doesn't seem all that complicated.

[joannekwan]

It's really weird for me? Like I don't usually like the "best friends turned lovers" trope because I feel best friends usually know each other on a level almost like siblings, especially if they've known each other over a number of years.

From my personal experience with my now husband, we started off as classmates in college. We talked, getting to know one another as bourgeoning friends would, but there was also a lot of flirting (even if we weren't aware of it at the time. It's more obvious in hindsight). And there was definitely a physical attraction. As our friendship developed, so did a romantic relationship in tandem.

I also think we work as a couple because our personalities are disparate but complement each other, while most of my close friends' personalities are akin to mine.

Not sure if I helped at all with your question XD
But I thought I'd try to give some insight.

[ratique]

Physical attraction could be your main culprit here. Humans are slaves to hormones and pheromones more than we want to admit. If two people fit well together on a physical level and find each other challenging and interesting from a mental stand point (as friends often do), a romance can develop. That is what I would consider chemistry.

But I am very interested in what everyone else has to say!

[lunaartemisasama]

For me the big difference is if you feel like kissing them or not O_O. That's it. But I don't have a lot of experience in that area ^^U.

I need to know to person and get closer in order to want to kiss them or not, you know... hang out, go out to dates and then think, maybe it could work out? If not then move forward.

[phen]

I always think of the Diary of Anne Frank for things like this. Anne and her very slow friendship and then romantic interest in Peter, which seemed (to me!) to grow from them simply having been forced to be around each other for so long. She had no interest in him at first, then begin entertaining the idea that he might have affectionate feelings toward her and then, BAM.

I know very well that he was my conquest, and not the other way
around. I created an image of him in my mind, pictured him as a quiet,
sweet, sensitive boy badly in need of friendship and love! I needed to
pour out my heart to a living person. I wanted a friend who would help
me find my way again. I accomplished what I set out to do and drew him,
slowly but surely, toward me. When I finally got him to be my friend, it
automatically developed into an intimacy that, when I think about it
now, seems outrageous.

It's a vastly interesting perspective (especially from someone so young!!) and one that I connected to the first time I read the book. Sometimes romantic relationships can emerge from confused individuals seeking personal solace or trying to right a wrong they find in themselves using another person.

It may not be a morally justified way of moving from friendship to romance, but it's a real, definite product of socialisation and individualism.

[Kura]

"Hey wanna try dating?"

"Sure."

Was how I did it irl. I'm also not a very romantic person, I have other goals in life. Romance is more a side quest 'well I guess I'll do that on the side' so don't 'get' what would be in issue with the situation you explained, and I don't 'get' the 'its more complicated than just getting along' or 'it's MORE than just that' things.

I usually want to have someone as a friend first before even considering dating. But what I consider a friend is probably a little different than what other people see as friends, as I also never had the luxury of that deep/long lasting friendship. The "We've known each other since we were kids" situation was never a reality for me, because I never lived somewhere for long because of lack of money in the family and always getting moved somewhere cheaper. I never was 'a best friend' to someone because the other party already had someone else who already was. and I never had 'a best friend' because I didn't stick around long enough. Just friends.

[Kamikaze]

"best friends turned lovers" trope because I feel best friends usually know each other on a level almost like siblings, especially if they've known each other over a number of years.

I'm sayin! I mean, yeah every now and then you kinda might play the 'what if' game, but ultimately you just feel weird about it. Maybe your experience is true though. THe idea of a friendship developing but heavy on the flirting. That's something I can use! Thank you!

Sometimes romantic relationships can emerge from confused individuals seeking personal solace or trying to right a wrong they find in themselves using another person.

It may not be a morally justified way of moving from friendship to romance, but it's a real, definite product of socialisation and individualism.

Holy crap that is BRILLIANT! Thank you!!!

[epiale]

Well, I know with my husband we started off as really close friends. I'd say we were comfortable around each other super quickly, I considered him my best friend a month in, and by the two month mark I started to realize I actually liked him in a more romantic sense. Keep in mind, before that I had zero romantic interest in him. He honestly wasn't all that physically attractive to me until I really got to know him, and I had to get to know him really well before the romance kicked in. I will say while it's hard to distinguish the two non-sexual romantic affection and bff affection are different. It's always hard to explain exactly where that difference lies, but I guess an example would be that couple you immediately recognize as a couple, even if they aren't holding hands or making out. Something about the base level of interaction changes. Sexuality is definitely a part of it for most people, but you can't discount the slow slide into "oh god I love this person".

It's very hard to quantify, and something I'd argue is best learned by watching other people. There's so much nuance involved, and relationships vary so vastly it's hard to hand out a concrete list of "here's what chemistry looks like".

Generally speaking though there's a few things to keep in mind when writing romance:

-Differences should compliment each other, not hinder. A good, if boring, example would be a partnership where one person's great at cooking and the other cleans spectacularly. They fill in where the other maybe lacks a bit. An example of bad differences would be a peace lover and a mass murderer. The difference there would inherently lead to resentment, fighting, and would cause conflict instead of making life better. Some differences can work with some couples and not others based on their personalities, and how they handle them.

-Relationships develop slowly. What constitutes as slow may vary from couple to couple, but people aren't going to fall madly in love in a week. People need time to feel each other out, to make mistakes, to learn who their partner is, to develop an actual relationship.

-Characters should generally synergize. They should laugh together, work together, have similar goals, be able to carry on a natural flowing conversation. They should work in harmony with one another. If they can't carry on a conversation or exist together how in the hell are they supposed to be in a relationship together?

Again a lot of writing romance involves just understanding people and how to write them. I hope some of that's helpful, but your best bet is probably watching other relationships, looking at your own otps, and seeing what makes them work.

[shazzbaa]

Here's some advice on writing romance that rang really true to me!
I particularly liked the explanation of specificity, since that's a nicely tangible thing to strive for in capturing such a weirdly intangible feeling.

[KSlinger]

Hmm. Tough one! I suppose the distinction (for me) between lovers and friends is that one type of person you enjoy being around and having a laugh with, no undertones, no flirting, no significant looks (friend), and the other you catch yourself watching for no reason at all other than to admire them, and when they look back at you, you grin and know how silly you are. Lovers fascinate and friends/siblings entertain. At least that's how it begins.

I was in my last relationship for 7 years and towards the end my ex and I were more like roommates than romantic partners. I think that's common in LTRs, especially if you fall on hard times. However it was around that point that I considered him my husband in all but name because I realised that even without the firey intimacy of the 'honeymoon' phase and the excitement of getting to know one another, and even though I'd exhausted every possible fantasy, I respected him and admired him to a painful degree. I would have done anything for that man and forgiven him anything, even for all his flaws, (and there were plenty of those, same goes for me) but I wanted to help him and celebrate him in ways that never even occurred to me with friends or siblings. He was on a completely different level- my partner in crime- and I had no secrets, couldn't lie to him, and was ways terrified of disappointing him. I often caught myself wondering what he would do in a given situation. I almost wanted to be him in many ways.

I also have friends that have turned to lovers then back to friends again. That's what's throwing me for a loop here because there must be something they were missing that stopped things going further, but I honestly can't pin point what that is. I'm talking very close friends I've had for fifteen years, not just mates from work, so you'd think they'd stand a good chance at being a boyfriend after all that...but I suppose some element of the history prevented it? I dunno. If I can think of what it was I'll put it here, but (without sounding too weird) I guess they were just too brotherly to consider long term?? Okay that does sound a bit weird.

In terms of writing a romantic relationship like that, though, maybe look at series like 'modern family' (on my phone, will link later) for tips? They seem to strike the balance between romance and friendship in married couples quite well. At least you can tell they all still fancy each other when they're done being daft and sorting out the kids. Maybe that's the element your missing?

[mariusthered]

i think just being around one person long enough can take things from friendship to lovers. hell being stuck in a lift together for long enough could even work.

sadly the truth of it is (and hell i'm the last person to give relationship advice) but lots of people just make do , they get sick of waiting for the fairy tale partner and so closest attracted person will do.

[azureXtwilight]

For me I actually started from being long timely exposure with them. But that could be because I'm a doctor and the only people I also interact with are my peers, so not a lot 'nother option there...

But in honestly some people can feel attraction without knowing the other for a long time, like they can just click, or they can be like me. As a friend says, the one that last the longest is the one that can also act as a friend when needed Both options are in my writing, as they can potentially weave different stories, and people really have different preferences when it comes to romance so you shouldn't try to appeal to everyone!

[sarrowsmith10]

I think the whole friends can't become lovers thing is absolutely ridiculous. I was always told I should marry my best friend! (Which I did) My husband and I knew each other for a very long time. We were childhood friends, casually dated in High School (not boyfriend/girlfriend, I didn't do any serious dating in Highschool), and when I graduated from college, we started dating more seriously and then eventually got married. I don't feel like I settled just because he was always around or anything junk like that. I fiercely love my husband and I think we very much had a fairy tale courtship when I came home from college. We have been married for 6 years now. I think the driving force behind our relationship was very much and overwhelming desire to just be with each other. All the time. I love being around him, I think his personality is very magnetic and his energy contagious. He's always happy and excited for life and it just makes you want to run through fields of daisies and puke rainbows. haha.. (I love it really)

That aside, I think the best love stories are the ones based on real love stories! Perhaps you should ask people how they met and fell in love with their significant other and base your story off that.

[punkarsenic]

some context could help here - were the couple the same gender? or interracial? bc that "they just seem like friends" line often crops up unfairly when a ship is two girls (less two guys unless...) or one character is white and the other isnt. in which case, its likely unfounded. like, if you look at most media, the straight white couples are constantly shoehorned in there for no reason, and nobody criticizes it.

i couldnt say what the difference is between really good friends chemistry and lovers chemistry myself, sadly. attraction seems like the only actual difference, and even thats a complicated one.

[Michelle]

It's hard to say without having read the story. But I think two friends can fall in love if they complete each other in some manner.

Disclaimer, I'm asexual so my perception of chemistry is probably not the norm for most people (i.e. sexual attraction doesn't factor in much). Don't get me wrong, my partner's a cutie patootie D; but I don't get the same feelings when it comes to romance that most people do.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for 6 years now, and known him for 13. We were internet BFFs for ages, and then he flew out from across the country to visit me and we clicked. I didn't have any romantic intentions with him when we were just internet friends, but something about being around a person in a physical space makes it easier to feel attracted to them.

I think we work well together because we're similar in many regards like interests, hobbies, sense of humour, life goals, but different enough that we're always learning from each other, and we maintain unique identities. We support and invest in each other's goals and dreams to a further extent than our friends do. We're there for each other when things are shitty and horrible. Most of all we can just kind of exist in the same space and our connection is felt even if we're not always expressing it outwards.

So for me at least, it's hard to subscribe to the idea of chemistry being purely physical sexual attraction, and I'm bored by stories where characters only like each other because they find each other hot and maybe share a hobby or two.

[inkythoughts]

Hmmm... I'm just thinking, I myself hadn't had a partner yet, but some crushes, usually on friends as I don't feel very connected to lots of people that I could develope more "serious crushes" on them - and it honest to god is so different with every human being.

For one, physical attractiveness is kind of important, but also only so far. The first crush I had was because a) he was one of the few in my class I found physically interesting, unlike other boys which were rather bland imo, and b) because we were friends so we got along and didn't hate our guts, and c) we actually could tease each other on an equal level which kind of equals 6th-grader flirting. He drove me mad because he had a lot of quirks and the amount of second-hand embarrassment was horribly high, but somehow I still liked him and admired him as he was as strong-willed as I.

Mutual respect for the other is really important for me, I noticed it a few years later with another guy who was such a pushover that I quickly stopped flirting with him. We were somewhat friends as we shared a lot of classes and worked on projects etc together, but as nice as he was, I couldn't respect him as much as I wished I could. I got along with his best friend way better, but there the physical attrection just lacked, even though we were good friends.

I also have some kind of a crush but not really on my very best friend, with her it's more like a mind-play that started it for me, I guess?
Like I wouldn't mind to date her if she'd ask me to, but it's also more than okay if we don't since I love her deeply either way and sherish the friendship that we have. She is propably the closest to a soulmate that I know, so it's running really, really deep and we went through a lot. I guess I don't care anymore what form this love would take? I could see myself raising kids with her, or she is my best maid at my wedding, I can't tell what I'd want more. I mean, we treat each other almost as though we were already married, just that it's currently entirely platonic. It just hurts to be apart, and when we're together, we can do the most mundane things as sitting on the sofa and watching tv but it's still kinda great because it's us.
This feeling of mutual likeness is so hard to describe >w<

AND: the less clear I can imagine the relationship with someone else, the more authentic my crush/love actually happens to be! Because there are so many possibilities how we could end up, what we could do, how we could develope, so many things to still be discovered, that it's hard to predict anything! The faster I know what turn this thing takes, the more bored or even panicky I get, especially if I feel it is going into a direction where I personally never wanted to end up, so I get out real quick, even if it's just a potential relationship.

As for chemistry, I think it's how people actually work together, and if there will be a dynamic relationship even after years and years of knowing each other just because of how their characters are, or if, as soon as the novelty of a relationship wears off, they kind of just kinda live but don't discover anything new. I think that's why the "best friends" trope is such a popular topic for romantic relationships? The friendship is some kind of a constant, but the characters still grow and grow together in a very unique way.
To determine whether the romantic/sexual relationship is authentic, it's kind of wiser to think from the characters' pov and what motivates them to get into a relationship, or if they are interested in any of these relationships at all. I don't like to put off something like romance because it's such a trope and we've seen it a thousand times, but rather because in that situation, the character's thought definitely wouldn't be about romance. In that case, really, think of the character first, and then what the audience wants or doesn't want.

[UzukiCheverie]

Friends to relationship can work, but when it doesn't, you need to acknowledge the fact that if the relationship ends, the friendship will probably end too. Dating someone you just happen to meet right off the bat means that if you break up with them, you won't really have to associate yourself with them anymore (unless you're in school together or something), but dating someone you've possibly been friends with for up to years? It's reaaaally awkward to go back to being friends after all that, especially if the relationship ends on a super sour note - you're essentially ending the friendship that was fine just as a friendship (and possibly ruin friendships with other people if you were part of that social circle that was connected through your friendship).

That all being said, I still prefer characters to be friends at least on some basis before they start dating. I can't tell you how much I hate the whole "hooking up with a guy and just dating" thing. It just feels so disconnected in terms of relationships - if you want a fling, then just go out looking for a fling, but if you don't know someone well enough that you'd want to be in a possibly long term relationship with them that can come with its own set of good parts AND bad, it just doesn't feel real enough to me IMO? But that's just me. I hate "falling in love at first sight" stories almost 99% of the time lol In most stories it's just done so unrealistically, especially because everything that happens afterwards always seems to go 100% right all the time. I won't deny that love at first sight doesn't exist but... when EVERYTHING goes right from that point on? Booooriiiing.

[annwik87]

Funny thing about love is that you can never control it and it often just happens, and when you do realize it... Well then it's too late. You didn't see it coming and you didn't know why it happened.

I've been in love 4 times in my life. 2 of them were friends of mine from the beginning and I eventually fell for them. Why? I have no idea. Suddenly they were just shining diamonds sparkling in front of me and even the times they were mean, I loved them anyway. I never confessed tho cause I didn't wanna jeopardize the friendship that we had.

The third guy I kinda had an instant crush on.(Why? i dunno..his smile? His voice? The way he talked?) First time he spoke to me my heart was beating really fast and first I thought it was because I was shy/nervous but yeah...I fell hard after that. We became friends eventually and...I never confessed cause I really enjoyed our friendship.

The final guy is actually my husband. We started chatting online during high school, and we were being kinda flirty from the start. We decided to meet and when I met him IRL he was just like the cutest little thing. I especially loved his smile and his awkward ways. I confessed to him and kissed him pretty soon after that because I felt that I had nothing to lose this time.

We have been together for 10 years, and married for 3 years. He is my best friend but I also love him in a romantic way. He makes my heart raise and I wanna be with him all the time. I feel things for him that I wouldn't feel for a normal friend. It's hard to put your finger on why you fall in love, but it could be many reasons... or it could be none.

[Kawaiiyusra]

Hmm for me personally my current bf of 5 years was really direct after knowing him for maybe 4 weeks. We shared common interests and we met in the same Game Design class and we just clicked. However, if I were to just simplify types of romantic dynamics in storying-telling or in real life it would be something like this.

Love at first sight:
This person is gorgeous and beautiful I want to get to know them better. A physical attraction that could later evolve into something more meaningful, although these kinds of relationships based on only physical attraction are usually a gamble.

Best Friend Turned Lover:
What everyone is talking about. This one is more common because whether you know someone for a few weeks or a few years, people connect when they can laugh together and share things they enjoy. Therefore here is someone you can do that with forever if you make it official with a relationship.

Unhealthy romantic relationship
Not saying abusive relationship, that's different and bad I don't believe in promoting that. However, sometimes people who can't stand each other for whatever reason end up being attracted to each other. Possibly an addiction to the drama and the adrenaline from being angry then making up again. (My parents are personally like this) Not the most romantic, but definitely interesting.

Common Interests
This is my personal romance. Falling in love with someone because you share the same hobbies and interests. This one is strong with people who don't have mainstream interests and could come off as 'strange' to the average person. My bf and I bonded over playing Dungeons and Dragons because hey not too many girls he knew played D&D.

Arranged Romance
This one is frowned upon in our modern day, however I have read some positive stories where an arrange marriage lead to actual romance from getting to know a total stranger.

Casual Romance Turned Serious
A casual relationship, usual for fun eventually turning serious due to jealously and realizing that they don't want to share.

Romance through rivalry/hate
This one is a bit of a stretch, but essentially someone who you consider a rival and 'hate' eventually falling for them because envy eventually turns into admiration or a simply obsessing over that one particular person.

Romance through kindness
Literally every shoujo series. The main character is a loner, ostracizes, no friends BUT along comes the one person who treats kindly and like a person. Which easily turns into a romantic attraction out of fear that this may be the only one that may ever come along.

Romance through hardship
Bonding with someone because they share the same kind of baggage or emotional trauma. Relationships like this are a gamble, but can work because both people can have a mutual understandings of their feelings that others can't.

[Kamikaze]

@Kawaiiyusra NICE list! This is really helpful thank you! My husband and I started the same way. Enjoyed a lot of the same stuff and just hit it off! After two weeks hanging out he asked if he could kiss me and the rest is history. <3

bc that "they just seem like friends" line often crops up unfairly when a ship is two girls (less two guys unless...) or one character is white and the other isnt.

I never thought about it that way. Nothing against my friend but you might be onto something there. Fuuuuuu~