Short Feedbacks On Novels

[TJSchongar]

I’m going to give similar feedback to what Nail gave to mine - mature writing! You have good flow, wonderful imagery, and a keen sense of mystery. I’m interested in reading more!

I will say, the description for your novel threw me off when compared to the end of the prologue. If the little girl is Agnis, and her world was thrown into hell, it seems odd that she’d be a young, carefree sorceress later on. That’s not a dealbreaker or anything very serious - just not what I expected to end up reading. Maybe the following chapters will fit the description? If not, maybe tweak it?

I still bookmarked, though! Can’t wait for more!

[Nail]

I'll join to the @TJSchongar with his feedback. I liked what I've read and while the description gave me this Harry Potter Vibe at first (I only watched few of the movies), upon reading it became clear that your story is quite a thing of it's own both: in the mood and the plot development. And I liked it.

[Allyx]

@TJSchongar Thank you so much for your feedback! I’m sorry the end of the prologue confused you, but I completely see what you mean. I’m going to tweak some things now that you suggested it, and I hope it will make sense later on.

@Nail Thank you for your feedback, too! I wasn’t really thinking about Harry Potter when I was writing it, but I guess the wizardry and adventure components are still there.

I’m glad you both liked it. Your comments made my day ^_^

[AllynCrowe]

If you want, you could read my first two chapters and give your opinion? ^^
I could always go for more opinions

Silence | Tapas

[Nail]

I've read one chapter so far. I'll give my feedback a bit later.

[Nail]

But also I've started a new series, so If anyone is willing to give their opinion on the first episode - I'm all ears.

Dead | Tapas

BTW, its my own jaw on the thumbnail.

[iclryu]

@Nail
Hello! I'm confused on what order this is read since it's different stories, I think? Is it just parts one and two of Uninvited that you want to be reviewed? I'm a beta reader

[Nail]

Ugh... Those both are really short, so if you'd be able to do both - it would be really great. But if only one, than let it be Univited.

[iclryu]

Understood! I'll get back to you

[AllynCrowe]

Sorry I forgot about this
I read the uninvited story, and I thought it was a pretty neat idea. It seems to me a little to small to give really in depth criticism on, but I quite like it being told only in speech, that's quite a neat writing device. I also liked that Jack and June had different personalities, and those shone through ^^

[QueenofBabyLoon]

Ok, so here comes my own opinion of your "everything-in-dialogue-mode".

My question is the following. Do you wish to give off the vibe of a character who is in psychosis? This is not a diss. This is actually a valid question I am asking. Here is why, let us assume we are talking about people in brief psychosis, who suffer from schizophreniform disorder, etc. The different mechanism the brain uses to filter through environmental stimuli are defective. The patient/sufferer gets overwhelmed by stimuli which cause misinterpretation in the brain.

When you are overwhelmed by something, it is like being underwhelmed by something else. The lack of description in your episode/chapter gives the impression of a character not interacting with his environment, only with bodiless voices, stuck somewhere in the universe, in the character's universe, floating about his mind. Which could be a very valid way of introducing your story, since your little poem gives the whole scene a very eerie feeling and fits with the idea of mind dislocation.

[AllynCrowe]

I actually think that the lack of description goes well with that idea of obsession that plays around, from Jack's perspective, and it gives a rather eerie feel. I think it fits the horror vibe nicely, especially for a shorter story like this. If it were longer, I think it would get annoying though.

[Nail]

It seems to me a little to small to give really in depth criticism

Yeah... most of my stories are more like elaborate suggestions rather than full unrolled scenarious, so I kind of can see where your opinion comes from. And I'm glad the dialogue-only storytelling worked, since it was an experiment and I had no idea how the "assumed actions" between actual dialogue lines would work.

[AllynCrowe]

I think it's a good exercise to get into the horror genre, especially since it's a great medium to play with writing devices and styles ^^

Did you read my story?

[Nail]

Yes, in some way I wanted ti give Jack this vibe, which also makes the June character valid revealing their relationships as constructive, as she's the one who, while accepting Jack for who he is, also plays role of reasoning bringing him back to the ground, which supposed to balance everything out.
I'm, I'm a bit drunk at the moment...

[Nail]

Did you read my story?

Still only the first episode. But I can already say that the writing is good, as far as I can judge. The characters are believable and likeable, and the chemistry between them is involving and fun to observe. There's a certain value to your work and, I believe, most will recognise it.

[AllynCrowe]

Ah, thank you ^^
I hope I'll be recognised some day

[Minerva_Matues]

Hello @Nail You're an amazing person for the things your doing in the forums!!! Just wanted to give you that recognition. You're truly amazing and I'd love to get to know you more and hopfully form a friendship!! I cant read your story at this moment (working fun fun) but i will read it after!!!!

I hate asking. I know my grammars bad. But would you give mine a try? My writing style is a bit choppy but i like choppy. Im not a personal fan of putting all info in one section but to get a little side tracked then back to the stuff. Its my typw of personality coming to words lol... But yeah.. If you have time thats cool. If you cant I totally understand!! You're a busy bee 🖤🖤🖤

https://m.tapas.io/series/Cemetery-Solitude

[DasIstWunderblyat]

I have read the Uninvited (I thought it was a whole story inside one woek so I kept pressing next and try to make sense of things, my mind get jumbled afterwards and this is only the one I remember)

First thing, I got a vibe like "recording" kind of horror movie when reading it (don't ask me why). It was like the story thrown out of nowhere and the lack of connection with environment set the feeling. Combination with poetry did a good job for making things somewhat more ominous I think it is a good formula to use.

In some parts because I'm not used to this format (I'm a very "conservative" reader LOL), I need to reread things to make sure I'm not mistaken because of the format and get surprised because of the "Oh there's this" element which comes from the only description being the dialogue.

The only thing is, I was a bit confused with some words there that may be misspelled or not, I'm not an English speaker so when I see a strange word I just think it's just a part of it.

Also here is my work if you don't mind :

Karana | Tapas

[Nail]

I got a vibe like "recording" kind of horror movie when reading it (don't ask me why)

I think I always keep this "horror movie" vibe in my mind as a basis for all my stories (the horror ones that is).

It was like the story thrown out of nowhere

I do thet quite often. Just putting the reader into the middle of the evnts. It's like if when you're walking down the familiar street and don't pay attention to the surroundings untill suddenly realise that you have mannaged to appear at the unknown part of the city... It makes you to open your eyes and be observant, to consume every clue as it might be useful to determine your current possition.

Combination with poetry did a good job for making things somewhat more ominous

At first it was just:"Day 1", "Day 2", "Day two: evening" to separate the scenes. But then I came up with th eidea to usert the poem. It worked better in my opinion.
Thank you for thr responce:slight_smile:
I've been reading your novel some time earlier, but I'll give it a reread before comenting on it.