i found it very confusing first up the narrator is in the room with 2 other characters, Angel and Nova there was a chance to show something of the character in what they were doing int he room, instead of saying instead 'they did what they want to in my room' angel could be sat on the bed reading a book, while Nova is crumpling up pieces of paper and tossing them into a waste paper bin for example.
you describe that they have taken physical form and they hate each other but couldn't because they were angels two other personalities - but surely angel and Nova are part of the narrators personality? is the Narrator Noah? The first paragraph makes it difficult to work out who is who
there seems to be a house party with nearly 40 people in one house - how big is this place?
and introducing us to a load of people and i am not sure who is who.
for example, having introduced us to Julius and telling us he has at least 2 girls we see a little bit of character, teasing his kids, but i don't know how old these girls are
then all of a sudden Io gets out of the pool, who's Io? he wasn't mentioned in the previous paragraph. i find it annoying that we get these D&D style stats for all these characters after they have been introduced. and unless the ethnicity or age of these characters is a direct plot point, why mention it? maybe give the characters a loose description, and let the reader flesh out the details using their own imagination.
ok heres an example of show dont tell:
I looked over at the pool. There was Julius, Tanned and muscular his, hair graying at the temples and his eyes closed as his mouth twitched almost as if in prayer.
From the middle of his back, the skin and muscles seemed to ripple like stones tossed in a pond. Before long the skin and muscles had transformed into triangular flat fin, like those of a great shark,
He sank into the water, The newly formed gills at his neck opening and closing, He started to swim, towards two girls in the middle of the pool. they did not notice the fin moving, silently towards them until it was too late and the were dragged under before being tossed into the air before being caught in Julius Muscular arms.
"Dad!", squealed one of the girls in a blue swimming costume, pushing her hair out of her eyes
"you got my hair wet! its going to take ages to dry it!"
I have introduced Julius, that he is tanned and muscular that he has the ability to turn into a shark and that at least one of the girls is his daughter, and that she has a vain streak ( doesnt want to get her hair wet)