I need to write a 20-page review about dysregulated arousal in psychosis and its implications or cognition in ... 12 days. I also have ADHD so I started doing the necessary reading a few days ago and barely managed to read a paper a day. Today I finally got a burst of motivation after discussing the topic with my mum and finding out I actually know a great deal and have a structure in mind but there's some things that I need to read more about to fill in some gaps and ofc I need more sources. So I started reading a review about LC activity and cognition, which I already know a thing or two about because I'd been studying arousal/LC activity and its role in decision-making. I went into it feeling motivated, I was interested in the paper, reading it was fun, and I retained ... nothing. I tried to summarise what I'd read, or at least talk about a few important points I'd read afterwards. Nothing. My memory was wiped clean. I spent HOURS reading this thing, and those hours are wasted. And I need to do a lot more reading and then write those 20 pages too.
But it gets worse. I vented about it to a friend, and her first response was "dw that's normal you need to read papers more than once all people need that :)))"
And then when she offered advice it was
1) You need more time (impossible, can't extend the deadline),
2) You need ADHD meds (impossible, I don't have an official diagnosis yet because the healthcare system is shit and impossible to navigate)
3) Take breaks in between and reward yourself if the reading doesn't give you dopamine (that's not the problem in this case, and also that approach doesn't work for me because it takes me ages to transition between tasks so I'd be wasting more time if I reward myself every hour, also I was started to hyperfixate on my topic and enjoy it so that's not the main issue)
4) shit
That same friend lives in a fucking fantasy world where everything is possible and everything is fine and you're always rewarded for your effort and your best is always good enough and people will always be understanding and there's a solution to every problem. And she's not the only one. I love how 90% of all advice is either the most obvious thing imaginable or "just be neurotypical" or "the world will adapt to you and things will work out if you just try hard enough" or "just believe that things will be good and then things will be good" and when they're presented with the cold harsh reality that that's not always the case it's always your fault, you just didn't try hard enough, you just didn't try everything.
I'm rereading the fucking paper now. Wasted an entire day on it. Because my stupid fucking brain can't take in and retain information like a normal person. But suuuuuure that's normal don't worry it's normal to retain 0% all the time just extend the hard deadline it'll be fine.