Tips to remain positive (and survive toxic positivity)

[amortelito]

First of all I wish you are having a good day,
I have been feeling very sad and uncertain, and worried about things that are happening in this chaotic world. My star project is falling apart because of the pandemic, I feel like my day job is pending from a string, and I worry a lot about the future. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety but I'm in treatment, so fortunately I'm doing "well". I wish to cling to health by working, exercising and complying with my treatment.

On top of that I want to remain positive to avoid getting paralyzed by fear Do you have any tips?
My cousin was trying to "help" me but to her positivity is shutting down all complains and just be "happy", she has the idea of getting rid of people who are "negative", even facts that contradict her ideas are "negativity". I think this is horribly patronizing and dismissive of your feelings, you are entitled to live your emotions even the negative ones. So this is why I would love to read how do you maintain yourself realistically positive. You don't have to be super happy or fake cheerful, just tell what helps you to lift yourself a little.

Sorry about the long post, if you are struggling too, you can share your story.

[HippieGhost]

Toxic Positivity only serves as a performative tool to hide your inner darkness from yourself and others. It stunts your growth, it suffocates the lessons your emotions are trying to teach, and it only serves to worsen them as they demand your attention.

If you want to be positive, you must first acknowledge the negatives. This does not mean to drown yourself in the negative emotions you're feeling, but rather acknowledge that those feelings are valid and that there is something to be learned from them.

The key though is in separation. Instead of "I am depressed" I like to go with "I am feeling depressed, and acknowledge my depression." I then try to think a bit about what my depression, anxiety, sadness, or anger is trying to tell me. There is always a core reason, whether we realize it or not, and sometimes what we tell ourselves is bothering us is really just the easy problem to focus on because the real trouble is that much greater.

We must embrace the darkness in order to find the light.

[MeltingCORE]

Noooo, it's so bad when people do this! We are human and as such, will experience negative emotions. You can't be 100% positive and happy all the time. Sorry your cousin reacted that way. I always feel the best way to handle your feelings is to... well, feel them. Things are so uncertain in the world right now with the pandemic. But having people who love you by your side helps even if all they can do is listen. I tend to talk my feelings out with my best friends and boyfriend who always hear me out. And I always hear them out.

[HippieGhost]

That's another big thing is having someone to hash crap out with. Even if they can't actually help themselves, just knowing the person is actually listening helps a lot, especially if they're actually acknowledging your thoughts and feelings.

[MeltingCORE]

Yes! Exactly! The conversations I've had with the people I mentioned can get waaaay out there but it's nice to have people to talk with about serious topics. And to have them care the same way I do about them. Being able to seamlessly go from anime to the nature of reality with them... That's love.

[therosesword]

totally what @HippieGhost says

That's another big thing is having someone to hash crap out with.

I have a friend where if you start b****ing about something says: Do you want to find a solution or just vent until you're done.

She's good at both things.

Find someone like that. Someone who accepts the fact you're human and have things that scare you, make you angry, frustrate you, etc. Find someone who isn't afraid to let you (as the saying goes) vent your spleen. Then when you're done, they help put the pieces back together.

Having that anger and fear acknowledged is so cathartic.

[cherrystark]

I still struggle with thoughts of self-doubt and depression and the winter weather doesn't always help. My biggest pieces of advice is to give yourself time and make sure that your heath and wellness comes first. Healing does not come overnight. It takes time.

I've 7-8 monthes out of a bad situation. The people I was with were textbook "toxic positivity". I stayed because I wanted all the "good things" they promised. Even though I still find myself falling into the defense mechanisms I adopted to protect myself, I've learned to recognize that I'm in a much better place and how to "count my blessings", as the saying goes. As you start to let go of the negative behaviors that were holding you back, it becomes easier to stay "positive".

***No matter the struggle you're dealing with, find the types of "therapy" that work best for you.

[DiegoPalacios]

I have been feeling very sad and uncertain, and worried about things that are happening in this chaotic world. My star project is falling apart because of the pandemic, I feel like my day job is pending from a string, and I worry a lot about the future. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety but I'm in treatment, so fortunately I'm doing "well". I wish to cling to health by working, exercising and complying with my treatment.

On top of that I want to remain positive to avoid getting paralyzed by fear Do you have any tips?

Emotions are the body's reaction to external stimulus to adapt to said situation.....Any feeling of insatisfaction is caused by your body trying to discourage you from repeating whatever is making you feel bad.

Sometimes this may require changes in one's life and getting out of our comfort zone.

Our survival instincts have 3 base mechanisms when we feel threatened:
"freeze", "flight", "fight".

Freeze is the unconscious attempt to conceal one's presence, however, this is impractical to deal with the most abstract issues of modern society that always stay present until solved.

Flight, as it's name says, means escaping from the threatening situation, which is not viable because i asume you don't want to leave the country and live in the wild.

Fight is a mechanism that can translate to modern problem solving, but obviously,in this case, it doesn't involve the fists, it involves analizing the situation, being proactive in learning how to handle it and managing your time to achieve said tasks.

Let's use some examples:

If your star project is falling apart because of the pandemic, you can either figure a way to adapt it's business model to fit the situation or keeping in stand-by to focus on other projects.

If your day job is pending of a string, you could try to figure how to increase your productivity, build up your resume and look for alternative jobs.

Hope this helps and wish you the best for your current situation. Take care, and get ready to "fight"

[Inspector_Spinda]

I think I'm pretty positive generally so I'm not sure if this will be super helpful. But when sometime rattles me, I usually air it out with a friend or even just someone random on discord. Sometimes you just have to complain to the void, and if you have a friend who can be a bit supportive about things that's even better!

Do you have a lot of people you can talk to about things? I think even if it's just online friends it's important to find those people so you can hold each other up. Another thing I find super helpful is keeping a playlist of happy videos or happy music that has made me smile the most in the past. It really gives me a mood boost.

This is one of my favs because there's a doggie

also this is so dark, but hilarious

[crowstories]

Yeah, what your cousin is doing isn't healthy for anybody.

Sometimes you need to give yourself permission to feel your negative emotions, but within limits. For example, you can give yourself 30 minutes to dwell on your worries and sadness, but prepare something nice for yourself to enjoy at the end, like a nice snack, or some funny animal videos to lift your mood (that's my go-to when I get overwhelmed by the sad, but I might lean on humor as a coping mechanism a little too much).

Self-care is super important! Do nice things for yourself, and make sure you're meeting all of your needs. That means eating well, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep (that can be a really tricky one) etc. This can feel like a chore at times, but it's really hard to get out of a bad mood when you're dehydrated/exhausted/have low blood sugar.

If you have intrusive negative thoughts you can try creating a symbolic thought jail (a therapist recommended this to me and it felt really cringe at the time but actually worked decently well for me). Find a box or something and an assortment of small items. Assign each item a negative thought that you want to contain for the time being and put it into the box. Tell the thoughts that you'll deal with them later, but right now you have to set them aside and get stuff done. But, again, remember to also make a separate time to deal with those thoughts so they don't fester.

I also find it helps to try and treat the panicky part of my brain like I would treat a friend. If you find yourself trying to get your negative thoughts to shut up and go away (basically fighting negativity with more negativity), try pretending that it's somebody else expressing their worries, and try to react as you would in the role of supportive friend. You might not have all the answers your anxiety brain needs, but that doesn't mean you can't listen patiently, gently correct it when it's blowing something out of proportion, and maybe make it a cup of tea (bonus: the supportive friend brain gets tea too).

I hope some of this makes sense and is helpful to you. It's a really stressful time to be alive, and that's totally valid.

[Maps]

I've had crippling anxiety that's just skyrocketed the past year. I ended up taking an 8 month hiatus off of all of my works and even disappeared from the forums for a while. It was just too much and I wasn't in the headspace to be creating.

I ended up doing things that kind of "enriched" my life more. I cut out alcohol, I started my anxiety medication again, I've been getting checkups at the doctor and dentist just to keep up with my overall health. I've been walking and eating well - even cooking longer and funner recipes. I started focusing on catching up at work since my anxiety had made me a bit neglectful (this help relieved my stress on weekends and holidays).

I slowly picked up my hobbies again, but I was doing them for fun and not under pressure (writing and drawing but not posting). I even got back into some corny dramas and shows that keep me invested and happy, since I hadn't really been watching anything that truly pulled me out of reality for a minute.

I realized I put a lot of pressure on myself, I wasn't happy with some of my vices, and I needed to find a way to relieve the pressure and quit the things that weren't benefiting me.

Am I 100% happy? Not necessarily... but I feel a lot better now. I've felt good enough to start weaning into posting some of my work again. And there have been some days where I've laughed until I teared up - which was beginning to feel foreign.

So, one step and a time, one day at a time. Find out what makes you happy and what's holding you back, and work on finding solutions for those.

Don't let someone measure their positivity against yours. We're only human and we're gonna feel the way we feel when we feel it. We're all different.

Hoping all the best for you!

[LCT_m_a_d]

I think what helps is rather than thinking of their positivity as "toxic" (intentionally disruptive), it may be more beneficial to consider it "incompatible" to your needs.

If they truly are positive beyond all reason, it's likely not worth reasoning with their logic at all. Accepting their lack of understanding as their own limitation can free you from their words and empower you to seek out a more appropriate support system.

Personally I am both pessimistic by nature and positive by discipline so a large portion of my personal responsibility is seeking support from people who are naturally compatible (with acceptable variants)

[ar-ninetysix]

Your cousin reminded me of this meme

Real talk, I probably don't have the best way of going about it. I'm not fond of talking about this stuff with friends, so I've managed to come up with my own method of dealing with it. I prefer to just take a deep dive into my bad emotions until I'd rather do something that cheers me back up. In private and whenever I have the time, of course.

I guess my rationale behind what I do is sort of... I feel like I can't just accept the negativity I have, but that I should actually engage with it. There's definitely a need to validate those feelings for me. Every once in a while, I get the urge to express everything and having a creative outlet helps quite a bit in that regard. Making something new out of a struggle is rewarding in its own way.

Alternatively, I also look up depression memes and get a kick out of 'em lmao

[jensrichard77]

Sometimes all you need is a good friend telling you:
I believe in you Melfie ️

Because it is true...

[amortelito]

@HippieGhost "We must embrace the darkness in order to find the light." this is so true. I tend to blame myself for feeling the way I feel, instead of just living my feelings. You are right about acknowledging and listening to oneself. Thank you for the insightful advice. (As I was writing my responses I did find what my mind is telling me)

@MeltingCORE as other commenters said, I will try not to judge her own way to cope and maintain herself. But it's indeed frustrating to get shut down for being "negative". I tend to shut up and listen to my friends but I don't want to "ruin" their time with my issues because at this moment they are having a worse time than mine. They were there for me when I lost my dad, so I know very well the support is there, I just don't want to burden them. I will try to open up and seek help It's just a bad habit. Thank you for taking the time to respond!

@therosesword absolutely! venting and ranting is cathartic. It's good to be rational about problems and get a solution, but emotions are not "problems" they just ARE. Because I had been in a bad place emotionally before is kind of scary to let go. I don't want to worry the people I love, though I know they will understand. Thanks for replying!

@cherrystark Yes! These things get a looong time...I wish you the best in your road to wellness and thanks for your advice.

@DiegoPalacios Your comment is very interesting. I have always been a fighter. Even when I was depressed and scared I took pride in conquering my goals and defeating fear. But now I'm just so tired. My depression was way worst before but still I had the hopes and dreams to have business with my dad and have a better life. Now I can't have that and I don't want anything else. I wanted to be part of the world now I'm disgusted at what I see. Maybe I'm just tired and frightened and maybe its what I need to hear from myself, that's why I'm frozen and stuck. I don't know if "fleeing " is the answer. Like, not literally leave, just let go of the pressure to do well until I find something I truly care about (?) (thank you for always being so nice and supportive)

@Inspector_Spinda OMG Hugh Laurie is hilarious and so talented. this indeed helps. Thank you!

@crowstories Thank you for the very insightful comment. What you said about self care is so important, sometimes we treat others better than we treat ourselves. I truly could be nicer to myself. I whish you the best with your own anxiety.

@Maps I am EXTREMELY happy to read that you are in a better place now because I do remember about your struggles. This is not my worst time in comparison with other down times, but for sure I can feel like I'm not doing as well as I thought. That's' why I don't want to spiral down, but maybe I'm pressuring myself when I should leave myself the hell alone and just have a normal day living all the emotions that comes with it, the good and bad. Thank you for the good wishes.

@ar-ninetysix depression memes are awesome XD. Seems that taking a dive into the negative emotions is working for many people I can see why. Thanks for the advice.

@jensrichard77 Aww dear Jens, you are the sweetest. Thank you so much for everything. (my eyes are watering and it's your fault) I send you the biggest hug.

[Mallory]

My mother works as a personal coach for rich people (yeah... that's a job, and it freaking PAYS) and she's usually too gung-ho for me, but she did teach me one bit of advice that I've been trying out.

Basically, whenever you're in a bad situation, try and find one thing that's good about it. That doesn't mean ignoring all the bad stuff and pretending that it's good. It just means you also find a positive in a crappy situation and see your situation through that lens.

For a personal example, my health (mental and physical) has gone to absolute shit in the last few years. Most of the causes are tied to a poor diet and probably a digestive problem (celiac or at least a big gluten intolerance), that caused a downward spiral for my whole body. I've been sick and in pain, and recently also suffered from a pretty serious bout of intestinal illness, which may return (and I'd have to get treated again). So... how do you find a positive in that? Well, it would be something like this: It's a good thing I'm suffering through this in my 20's, when I'm younger and healthier and have a much better chance at making a full recovery. Now I know I have to take care of my body, take care of my diet, and I will have to eat healthy food from now on until the end of my life. It's also been a wake-up call for my fiance, who ate the same diet I did, who does not have health issues now, but who nonetheless has moved towards also taking care of himself. These are all good things. It would be SO MUCH WORSE if my body tolerated the poor diet better and all these health issues came and smacked me (and him) in the ass in my 50's, where chances of recovery are much worse and the damage much more extensive.

So it's not really discounting the crappy situation, because it all still kinda sucks. But now you have something good to connect to the experience, which is something I try to do every time I feel myself going into a downward "woe is me" spiral. Doesn't always work, but it is good for the frame of mind.