Unhealthy Relationships in Media

[mintycanoodles]

I'm with you where i don't think it correlates to what i expect in my own life, but i agree media does have great impact on us so maybe it does in ways I'm not aware of. I think it's a real grey area. like yeah, it's bad to portray something potentially problematic as healthy and normal, but then again, I don't believe so many things should be stuck with the "problematic" label and never dealt with ever in fiction. if every relationship were completely healthy, totally "unproblematic" and all characters involved equally so... that'd make for some pretty boring stories.

[AnnaLandin]

There's nothing wrong with depicting unhealthy relationships in media - as long as you acknowledge that they're unhealthy. If you frame the unhealthy relationship as, in fact, being unhealthy, and that relationship is dealt with with that in mind, I say go for it!

Most of us realise that there's a difference between fiction and reality - but when a vast majority of stories, or when one super popular story, depict very unhealthy relationships as something positive, admirable and worthy of striving for, that's problematic.

Take Twilight as an example. Never mind the quality of the writing or the clichés about vampires or the sparkles - just focus on the ideal it presents to the readers. Bella falls head over heels in love with Edward - who despite the sparkles is very literally dangerous - and he then invades her privacy by breaking into her bedroom at night (we're told this is supposed to be romantic), dismisses her feelings and makes decisions for her (he dumps her "for her own good", leaves without explanations), and puts her at risk by doing so. She, on the other hand, loses all sense of self-preservation, hurts the people who love her (she ignores/doesn't explain things to her father, who obviously cares for her), and repeatedly puts herself in mortal danger just so she can receive visions of her lost boyfriend. She also emotionally manipulates other characters into doing things for her, because she's so monomaniacal when it comes to Edward that she loses sight of all else.

This presents codepencency, self-harm, outright suicide attempts, gross invasions of privacy and emotional manipulations as romantic ideals. I know they're not something to strive for, but put that book in the hands of a very young girl or boy who doesn't know, and they might gain a skewed notion of what they should expect out of a relationship.

Now, if it was just one story doing this, we could maybe shrug it off - but these romanticized versions of emotionally unhealthy or even abusive relationships are everywhere in media, which makes them something to be concerned about. It is alarmingly common to see romance-stories framing rejections as just an invitation to try again and again until the intended target for affection gives in - even though in real life, that would qualify as stalking at best.

The culture and media we're exposed to does influence the way we think about things, perhaps more than you think. It's why propaganda works.

[demthorshie]

I don't have a television at the moment or read any popular media sources and I haven't for quite some time. I think for sure that people shouldn't take anything they see in the media seriously. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that these unhealthy relationships that are being spotlighted in films, shows and in entertainment have become apart of the fabric of our society, I feel a lot of people are going to have a certain perception of what they should look for in a relationship based on the images that are constantly being thrown in our faces.

[carloswebcomic]

Well, relationships come in all kinds of forms, even the ones you don't approve of.
Do we really want to go back to the 1950's family portrayal, which set expectations which were impossible to live up to?
Fuck conformism. That's all I have to say.

Having said that, I don't approve of portrayal of any type of relationship which doesn't show the pitfalls.

[shazzbaa]

I think what affects people isn't so much the obvious stuff, but the assumptions that you don't notice. And it affects people even more when they don't have any experiences to contradict those assumptions.

As an example, we don't take zombie stories seriously -- we don't really believe that there's an apocalypse that we have to be prepared for. But see that story often enough, and a lot of people don't really question the assumption that society falls apart and most people would probably turn on each other in a world-ending crisis, despite the fact that every real-world instance we have of society-ending disaster has shown that this doesn't happen.

So like, I don't think people read Twilight and get brainwashed into loving Edward when they wouldn't normally. But kids who fall for that romance are looking for something, for a certain kind of care that Edward exhibits. There's something there that's fulfilling to them, the thing that they wanted before ever reading those books, and what they see in Twilight is that the way you get that kind of care is by learning to navigate a relationship with a manipulative stalker.

I don't think that makes Twilight EEEEEVIL or anything, but as Anna said, when you don't have any other stories or experiences showing you something different, it's easy to take that assumption for granted.

---

I don't think every unhealthy relationship in media needs a big flashing neon sign saying HEY!!!!! THIS IS UNHEALTHY!!!!! over it. And I don't think every romantic fantasy needs to be non-problematic either (Lady of the Shard is a great example). But I think it is something that's good to pay attention to, as creators, and not just for romance -- is this story accidentally saying something that I don't want to say?

[mariusthered]

My personal view ...

any story in the media is only good for wrapping your chips in on the way home ( i'm from the UK so I mean fries!)

however, when it comes to stories in literature and history , is there really any relationships that don't have negative parts? Some end some grow stronger that is the nature of love, like a poison it affects us and changes us and some become better because of it. there will always be love and always be stories the effects are for each person different.

[miseryhunting]

I think the problem appears when people don't realize said relationships are unhealthy and glorify them.
Personally, I don't mind readying about such relationships, as said above - it's part of life. Take "Lolita" for example, this book makes me uncomfortable and it should, it's part of its purpose.
The only time it really bugs me is when people defend something problematic and excuse it with "it's love", try to normalize it.
Because love is subjective and even if it's real, love is not always enough.

[punkarsenic]

I think it has a large effect on how people perceive romance, especially young people. Look at YA; there's this trend of the moody, mysterious, abusive older boy - and young girls eat it up. They're conditioned to. And it can really land them in the shit when they dating - especially with boys who've been told by the same media that that behaviour is not only okay, but romantic

most of it doesnt personally effect me, because im a lesbian - but i have my own problems w how my kind of relationships are represented in media. there's this massive trend of every time a woman is happy and romantic with another woman, she dies. violently. it has a history in being the only way w/w relationships could be published, but now things have changed, but this narrative has remained the same. when you keep punishing wlw for daring to be happy and in love, by killing them, it sends a really strong message to young wlw.

like - a really good (or bad) example is pousse from oitnb; she was about to get out, into a great job, in a happy relationship with a girl who - like herself - had been brought back from the brink of suicide. then, she stands up against police brutality, and is murdered. pointlessly. the message in that - the message people learn, subconsciously - is that wlw (especially black wlw) arent allowed to persue happiness, love, or justice.

this shit fucks people up, and media makers need to start realising that.

anyway... [tucks away my soap box]

[spadesart]

I've definitely got a problem with it if it's not portrayed as it should be (i.e. playing up stalking as a funny romantic thing, Normal Girl(TM) finds Sad Angsty Abusive Boy being cute/romantic, anything incest or wide age gap in general being excused because "its true love" or something......). In adult media they're usually able to distinguish that it's wrong but if it's in childrens and YA media it's way more likely to affect them (i.e. some guy said i was an embarassment to be seen talking to and all other kinds of BS in middle school and i continued to like him, same year another guy i had a huge crush on painfully twisted my arm around and i thought he "probably didn't mean to because he's nice sometimes") because younger minds are still impressionable and if they read/watch a lot of this media they'll eventually be conditioned to think this is ok to do to someone/date someone who does this because it's "romantic".

Now if it's portrayed correctly (i'm thinking something like lapis and jaspers' relationship in steven universe) then it really can add a lot of character development, and it's made clear that the relationship was not healthy and is not something to be pursued (garnet outright saying they are really bad for each other, lapis in the recent episode saying it was bad.) then it's not that bad. I don't think that relationships should ONLY be portrayed as healthy because as a lot of people said here there's so many different types of relationships. It's just a subject that has to be handled carefully so the audience doesn't end up thinking abusive behavior is romantic or cute. (like i did in middle school.)

[indagold]

If the relationship is suppose to be unhealthy and presented as bad then it really isn't something like twilight where stalkerish vamp creep is suppose to be a-okay. I see people going crazy over unhealthy relationships because they think it's unhealthy therefore it's saying it's okay when clearly it's intention is it's not. I see tons of analysis of villains in media who are abusive to their spouses and it's "problematic". Well no shit Sherlock, I don't think villains are suppose to be nice people.

Also not many people are really that gullible, i'm sure a lot of people are aware it's fake, over the top, but some really do buy into it and worship it to some extant.

[UzukiCheverie]

I agree with Anna that if you're going to depict an unhealthy relationship, make sure your readers know that's what it is. To be perfectly honest, concerning the whole 50 shades argument, I sorta always feel like maybe the author did want readers to know that this is an unhealthy relationship, but the character ended up still falling for it in the end (making it more of a tragedy than a romance) but because the readers were all bored middle-aged moms and delusional young adults who had never been in a real relationship before, it might not have worked as well as she thought. But that's just my guess for all I know she could be just as bad as the rest of 'em lol

Pertaining to my own work, people like to ship Uzuki and Mitsuhiro all the time, and that's because they're set up as the perceived OTP from the get-go, seeing as how the scenarios of the plot pretty much forces them to deal with each other constantly. Do they end up together romantically? They don't know yet and I'm not going to answer that question until the time comes, but in the state it is now, I sure as hell hope not, because Uzuki is abusive as fuuuck towards Mitsuhiro. Albeit it's slightly different because it's in a more medieval type period where problems are solved by hanging people/chopping their heads up/straight up beating them to death in the back alleyways (vs. nowadays we have more civil ways of solving problems through the use of law enforcement/human rights/etc.) but in terms of relationships, yeah, Uzuki and Mitsuhiro have a looooong way to go before they can happily be together, and I make sure my readers are aware of that, through both my own commentary on the series and the progression of the plot.

[alaingrey]

I would rather see different kind of relationships in media than just healthy ones, I just figure lots of people probably don't know the difference. Including me, probably... I've never had this mythical "healthy" relationship before.
I get that a lot of people are concerned about seeing abusive situations in YA and I see them criticizing a lot of other stories... But not everyone is writing YA and making stories to educate that audience. Should people who are writing stories for other adults be pushed into the same standard for educating their audience as YA authors? I don't think so. Thus I'm inclined to agree that twilight definitely has more problems than fifty shades. The older audience shouldn't need to be hammered over the head with "by the way this is wrong" so it leaves a little room for interpretation. Plus, let's face it- in an erotic context, sometimes people do find eroticism in abusive set ups. I don't think a porno should be some paragon of social justice values.

[NickRowler]

The type of relationship I really hate which pops up a lot in media is the whole "Romeo and Juliet" style where two people meet and within one to two days they are super committed or having sex and such. It's so impulsive and a lot of the times, they last like a few weeks or sometimes even a few days. I think this does effect how people in real life see relationship and how some people get frustrated when their date isn't ready to have sex after the first few dates.

[El_Psy_Congroo]

I don't think that makes Twilight EEEEEVIL

Also known as Every Vampire is Lemons.

Lots of stuff on bad things a lot of media does with relationships so here's something I thought was done right:

I think one of the smartest things I've seen in the media regarding relationships was 500 Days of Summer. I loved that movie and so many people I know disliked but I feel they didn't like the ending because they missed the point. If you haven't seen it, definitely watch it. If you don't plan on ever watching it, at least watch this scene:

Another good one (also with JGL) is Don Jon

[Mane]

As carloswebcomic mentioned, relationships come in all forms. I think it's mostly good that people have come to discuss what constitutes a healthy relationship and how media chooses to portray them, but sometimes I think it's also taken too far with expecting each and every relationship in the media to follow a certain guideline to determine whether or not it's healthy. People are complicated and flawed and the relationships should reflect that as well. It depends on the story, but in general, as a writer, you should acknowledge these flaws as well.

Let's look at a personal example: I'm a big fan of Buffy and one of my favorite things from that series was the relationship between Buffy and Spike. Now that was an unhealthy relationship. I realized that even then, as young as I was. But I still enjoyed it. I found entertainment in seeing them struggle with it, come to terms with, suffer because of it and eventually turn it into a halfway decent relationship. The supernatural and exceptional context of the series helped, as well as Buffy's position as a strong character and the series acknowledging that what they had wasn't exactly ideal. I doubt I would've liked this type of relationship in a strictly normal drama. I find it a bit hilarious (maybe even a bit sad ) that out of the three main men she had in the show, Riley, who had been by far the most stable and healthiest type, ended up being the least popular among the fans to the point he had to be written out (at least that's what I read somewhere, I think)

[Michelle]

Reminds me of this thing I saw recently:

Relationship goals y'all. :I

I agree that we can't force artists/writers to only portray wholesome relationships, or make them blatantly point out when a relationship is unhealthy. But my feelings for this are the same as I feel about representing gender, sexuality, culture, race etc: be aware of the kind of message you send by the way you portray these subjects, and consider how they might register with your readership.

[KoalaMari]

It both have advantage and disadvantages. Advantage because we get to see an example of what a healthy relationship should be like. Problem is, we compare the real life relationship to the ones in the media and I think that's how we start to feel the discontentment. Why? because we also want the same thing to happen as the ones we see in media. But unfortunately, it can't happen because it's a different thing. People sometimes expect too much from their partners that it leads to frustration because the expectation wasn't met. We focus too much on the things in the media that sometimes we fail to see the real happiness that our partners are giving. Every relationship has its own story. I mean, it shouldn't be base too much on what we see. It's about what we feel.

[Sleepyowl]

My opinion may be an unpopular one, but I honestly don't give a shit whether or not people show this stuff. If people want to explore that kind of thing from the comfort of fiction, then I say let them.

If someone finds that narrative interesting then no amount of "THINK OF THE CHILDREN" guilt tripping is going to stop them. And as long as you're not A)Naive B) an idiot, most people know not to copy what you see on TV. And if you are one of those people that do then your parents didn't do enough.

People can write less than savoury things in their own stories without flogging themselves and chanting about how unhealthy it is and how much they're going to helll every 2 seconds. To me that comes off as very fake and an effort to see non Problematic™ to their more thin-skinned fans.

[Fridgewriter]

My opinion may be an unpopular one, but I honestly don't give a shit whether or not people show this stuff. If people want to explore that kind of thing from the comfort of fiction, then I say let them.

If someone finds that narrative interesting then no amount of "THINK OF THE CHILDREN" guilt tripping is going to stop them. And as long as you're not A)Naive B) an idiot, most people know not to copy what you see on TV. And if you are one of those people that do then your parents didn't do enough.

I agree with this and let's keep in mind that Twilight with its "Hey Bella, some guy is stalking you." "Oh, that's okay, he's cute!" tendencies and 50 Shades being a slightly reworked Twilight fanfic are not great pieces of work. They're trash. Most of the people who enjoy it knows this is cheap trash. Like how kids liked Mortal Kombat games because the dudes bleed and can rip off heads. I can understand some groups getting a little worried, like the BDSM crowd thinking they're being poorly represented to those who never had any idea of what goes on, but like Mortal Kombat, it doesn't take much for people to figure out nothing was real or had any proper representation.

But the thing we can learn from is not do this ourselves, not because we want to show people these things are bad but because we want our stories to not be cheap trash and our characters to be unlikable idiots. Maybe dodge these tropes or we can play off of it in our stories without coming off as a "very special episode" where Captain Radion and Jim discover that X is very bad wrong. All of that is very possible with the talent here on this site.

[Kura]

Reminds me of the screen grabs my friend was giving me for a otome visual novel (and anime based off a visual novel) called Amnesia.

Open in new tab for larger

and

As for how the fans of the game react to these characters.