Why Do Writer Keep Falling Into This Trap?

HGohwell 2020-11-15 05:08:58 UTC #1

So, if you've ever watched or read an anime or manga you're probably very familiar with this episode but it comes up in other media a lot too. And I'm curious as to why and if anyone here has ever attempted it.

The Abuser Made You Stronger Episode.

If you're unfamiliar, it's pretty much what it sounds like. The character has a tragic backstory involving some kind of abuse. They will be struggling with it and the narrative via another character will frame it as "you're stronger/kinder/more compassionate/whatever because of it". In Symphogear fandom, we call this The Failed Tomato Metaphor after an infamous episode where "tomatoes that grow in the toughest conditions are the sweetest" concept. What the authors are usually going for is a positive message about how abuse doesn't have to define you and weigh you down and you don't have to angst over it constantly because you made it through and you are not like them. However, this often gets lost in the execution and handling and actually comes out as abuse is good because it made you the way you are. Some particularly bad times even ends on a "they abused you to make you stronger" and "thanks abuser" type message (I'm aware feelings towards abusers can be complicated as can motives for abuse especially in more removed from our own but that's still not a great message to convey without some sort of balance).

So why do so many episodes with a good message at heart turn out this way? Why do so many creators fall into this pit fall? I don't believe it's just too difficult a subject to cover, that feels like an excuse, but then why do so many experienced writers struggle with this? Any thoughts?

ar-ninetysix 2020-11-15 05:19:15 UTC #3

Part of it might be escapism tbh the reality of it doesn't seem like it lends itself to any positive spins for a story. "Those abused tend to turn into their abusers one way or another" and "those abused will always stay a victim" aren't really topics people wanna write or read about and it's perfectly understandable.. There's always room to have that and build off of it to have it develop into that positive space of overcoming it, but that requires a lot more research and care compared to the quick fix of "the pain helped me grow"..

There's quite a lot more to say on the subject but those are my basic thoughts on it and I.. don't think I'll do it any justice talking about it any further since I'm not that well educated on the matter so I'll leave it at that. I'm real curious to see where the discussion on this goes though!

alexlcuri07 2020-11-15 05:37:14 UTC #4

I think a lot of the problem is that very few stories actually have the character experience the abuse in the story or interact with the aftermath of the abuse. They create a character that is so far removed from what they experienced, or they want to rush to the positive outcome so bad, that the writer neglects to properly have the character interact with what makes abuse so terrible: the lingering, internalized effects.

In writing its easy to "fast forward" through the nuances of change because we set the timeline. But with abuse in particular, this allows the readers to correlate the cause as the abuse and the effect as happiness. It leaves out all the actual work that the victims had to do in order to reach where they are. Its an assumption on the writers end that their readers will somehow know, without it being stated, that abuse is bad and that the character had to struggle to get to the positive out look that they now have.

In my opinion, it just shows a lack of understanding and research of abuse and its short term and long term effects. Its also kind of a lazy writing technique and doesn't build character like authors think it does because it doesn't show the build, only the finished product.

Berserker 2020-11-15 07:18:47 UTC #5

I mean my MC has past physical abuse as a young teen. Emotionally the abuse made her weaker if anything. But physically the constant injuries and broken bones manifested a latent self-healing power.

From a narrative standpoint the point of the abuse was to mark the one inflicting it as her enemy, eventually he would be driven away only to come back during the time of the story when she was an adult. The lesson she learned after killing this man was that some people truly deserve to die. Only after this man was dead did she become stronger from it.

But the abuser was able to hurt her without her teacher stepping in to help her. This would drive a wedge between her and her teacher and lead to Rhunal running away. This rift between her and her teacher will have long-running ramifications going forward.

darkone4587 2020-11-15 09:22:38 UTC #6

I believe part of it is the desire to write tragic backstories and having an easy way for characters to overcome them in like one or two conversations. So they default into saying the tragic abuse you suffered has improved you as a person.
Another part of it is the idea of tough love, and parents being hard on their kids to toughen them up for the world.

milejdyvan 2020-11-15 09:37:46 UTC #7

I'll be honest that I am unfamiliar with this trope you are talking about... Perhaps that is a good thing for me? I mean it also depends on what kind of abuse we are talking about. I personally have multiple main characters and I'm not sure if I can attach this idea to anyone, neither do I feel like I have seen an extreme amount of it in stories that I read. I would say the typical route that I see a lot more is that of someone having a tragic past, and someone else helping them get over that. And I've certainly never seen a message of "abuse is good" like nowhere ever. Just being honest.

This is all considering that I understood the message. Maybe I am just missing the point completely which is likely as well. Feel free to correct me on anything I might have misrepresented.

JWZagst 2020-11-15 10:15:11 UTC #8

I had a story I was working on a few years back that was something similar to this, where the main character was abused as a boy by his father in an attempt to make him the perfect warrior. The father would say stuff like, "Yes boy, I was hard on you. But it made you tough. Look at you now, a war hero and a remarkable fighter. You became a legend because of me, show some gratitude!" True, he would not have become so strong without the abuse, but the trade-off was inner turmoil and unresolved trauma, which eventually lead to anger management issues later in life. I never finished this story, but my plot outline had the son eventually becoming addicted to multiple substances and then, in a rage-fueled encounter where his father challenges him to a duel, he goes too far and kills him. Then he has to wrestle with the conflicting feelings of missing his father, guilt and regret that he killed him, and relief that the man cannot abuse him ever again.

Beyond that, I never planned an ending and have not touched that story in some time.

NickRowler 2020-11-15 13:34:21 UTC #9

I think for stuff targeted at kids and teens, these types of narratives are suppose to be hopeful for those who may be in difficult situations. But the over simplification could sort of under mind how these type of people may deal with stuff like PTSD or impostor syndrome.

And in some situations, the abuse can come off like misery porn. Which can be more triggering than helpful for victims. But I think some people like these types of stories because they have hopeful endings. And they are treated as inspiring and heartwarming. Tho sometimes it feels like the fetishization of victims.

DiegoPalacios 2020-11-15 14:15:12 UTC #10

I think it comes from "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".....but while people can grow because of adversities, is not always the case, and seing the bully as a lesson only pass the blame to the victim.

This is not neccesarilly true....Some people learn to defend themselves and others. And while being a victim of abuse can attract other abusers, in some circumstances one can fight back.

The problem with both extremes is that people end up defining themselves by the abuse, which one way or another, is not healthy.

We all struggle in life in different ways, but these are circumstantial. People react differently to those situations, sometimes a person is prepared to handle them, other times, they dont.

But what i want to say, is that it is never too late to learn how to handle these situations. People picked on me in school, but i learned how to defend myself and to not care about what people think. Will i thank them?.....no, but i will thank the people that supported me and helped me to become stronger.

Iris-Grimoire 2020-11-15 14:28:03 UTC #11

I think it ends up showing up as an attempt to cope with the situation. It "worked out in the end" because something positive or useful came out of it, even if the truth is that it was a "waste of time" (in a very loose sense of the term) and the person/character's coping mechanisms would've been better off without trauma.
The best stories about recovering from abuse focus on the support that the person/character got and how true friends don't ignore red flags; not how "strong" they were. The example on the OP tends to just make people from the outside think the target is special somehow or that further trauma will be even better, or will create a dangerous comfy lie for people who haven't found a way to cope with theirs yet. Hell, sometimes the bad examples come from people telling those lies to themselves.

It's a complicated issue, really, but if you're not an example on your own, do research, see what to avoid, talk to people, as usual.

ar-ninetysix 2020-11-15 14:48:32 UTC #12

Well, like I said later on in my reply, there's more to the subject than what I had mentioned lol those were just two examples I had come up with immediately to make a point. They didn't have to be the more extreme negative outcomes of it, but since the topic somewhat leaned against abuse being indirectly implied to be a good thing for character growth, I left my reply as is. I do think there's room to have characters cope and deal with the long term effects but it just has to be handled with more tact

domisotto 2020-11-15 14:55:24 UTC #13

Because, unfortunately, millennia of women exploitation and suppression turned things upside down in terms of what is romantic, and pursuit/male attention vs female helplessness and inability to live for herself became so idolized it is sickening. The idea that any man, no matter how horrid, is a treasure, while any woman, no matter how accomplished, is a liability, is what I wish to be dismantled in stories, with a giant nuclear explosion. Alas, so many stories just reaffirm it.

blackorchid 2020-11-15 16:31:33 UTC #14

Preach!

The rants I could go into on these topics!

rajillustration 2020-11-15 17:01:49 UTC #15

Yes this trope bothers me so much! I think it happens so often because authors see other people do it in their works and are like "Oh so this is acceptable then?" Because like...IRL whenever we see abuse, it's not like that. It's a long road to recovery, and there's some things people will never let go of, trust issues, self esteem issues, etc etc.

And these tropes are a big part of really structured genres, like Shonen, or romance, or high fantasy--so we already have universes that aren't very realistic. We tend to put aside realism because genre expectations are fun, and so they don't want a main character in their Shonen or their Romance with lingering mental issues. They want a self-insert character who always recovers and has a good time, despite what they've been through.

It's also an era thing, so shows and books that are for a little older of a crowd, like YA and up, tend to actually dive into the gray area of "So my MC was abused and will always have lingering problems because of it." It becomes a lot of the central drive of the story. Yet shows that are for a younger crowd, or even shows that are meant to be 'feel-good' and resolved in one pretty package (the hallmark channel type stories for instance) tend to wrap it up in a bow in one singular episode. Their purposes are totally different.

cherrystark 2020-11-15 17:35:30 UTC #16

Readers need more examples of the "gray" areas when it comes to stories of overcoming adversity and abuse. Alot of stories jump from the metaphorical blackest black tragic backstory to the metaphorical whitest white everything is now perfect recovery. The "gray" areas would be the smaller things like leaving a bad job for a better one, etc.

I am a big advocate for more examples in literature of positive examples of mental health and healing. The scares of abuse will linger. From my experience, I learned how many "coping" mechanisms I developed to survive my experience. Five months later, I still find myself falling into those behaviors and I'm in a much healthier environment.

I think a lot of writers equate having a tragic backstory with making a strong character. Since how can a character get "closure" without becoming a warrior type and screaming about their feelings to the person who hurt them in an epic battle. A person/character isn't any less strong when they forgive the abuser and move on. (This is more for mental health and sanity than anything)

I also think people misconstrue/portray what we're supposed to learn from trials and the types of strength we develop. Strength isn't just physical. After removing myself from a couple toxic relationships, I can honestly say that I'm stronger. I learned more about myself and how NOT to treat people. I learned how to stand up for myself and ask for help (things I wasn't allowed to do in the past.) I learned that I'm valuable and people care for me, for me and not what I do for them. I don't thank the abusers for teaching me this. I do have a form of gratitude for my experience because of the growth I achieved.

DokiDokiTsuna 2020-11-15 19:34:36 UTC #17

;_; I actually really liked the tomato metaphor...

And I didn't see it as 'failed' or think of it in that twisted way because...well, the tomato thing was kind of the most subtle message in there. ^^;
They practically went out of their way to say 'the unimaginable torture and pain and mental anguish we experienced due to our mother figure's actions (that led to one of us dying) was okay, actually, because she was trying to protect us and make us strong', and compared to that the tomato metaphor seemed rather innocent. 6_6;

I think it stems from a widespread societal problem: people don't know how to deal with sadness and pain. They just don't, and they're never taught how.

A friend is sobbing on your shoulder? "Aw, don't cry." Someone is having a hard time with work or family? "Chin up, don't let it get to you; stay positive."
Like, these things sound kind and comforting because we're socialized to see them that way, but if you examine them literally they're just rejections of the other person's feelings. "You're upset? DON'T be." That's all we know. ^^;

This is why 'false positivity' and its fellow toxic mindsets are so prevalent and easy to fall into; even when the sadness and pain is chronic, systemic, or otherwise debilitating, all we know how to do is try to put a positive spin on it. The idea of understanding pain and allowing it to exist while focusing on the root of the problem is something people usually learn very late in life, if they ever learn it at all.

Naturally, this extends to stories about abuse...have a character feel horrible about what happened, and allow those feelings to be accepted and remain even after they get to a better place in their life? No way! It has to be ALL positive; good feelings only; people who are 'okay' don't feel sad about things!

So we end up with these twisted conclusions like "my abuse made me stronger", or "in a way, I'm grateful for the abuse", or even "THANK YOU, abuser: if you hadn't treated me so horribly, I wouldn't be the person I am today."

And from the sidelines it's easy to go "...Did you read that back to yourself before you published that? Do you not see how that sounds??"
But if you think about it in the context of a society that only understands happy=good, sad=bad, it makes sense. Despite how messed up it is, and how subtly it glorifies abusive behavior/situations, it's not that surprising.

This is why one of my favorite quotes from somewhere in Tumblr goes something like "my abuse didn't make me stronger; I made MYSELF stronger".
I'm butchering it; it sounds better than that, but the point is that you should attribute your personal growth to your own actions, not to whatever environment you were forced to grow up in, and certainly not to the people who made that environment harmful to you. Abuse IS harm, not a milestone...if you feel the need to thank someone for it, even indirectly, you should consider what the implications are.