Age gap between young couple?

[milejdyvan]

I'm kind of curious what you guys think about this. In my novel, there is a couple between two characters, the boy being 16 years old and the girl is 19. I know some people would already have issue with that because one is an adult, and the other isn't (though age of consent varies around the world), but some might find it even weirder that these two have been dating since the boy was 12 and the girl 15.

Just to be clear though, I am not writing this here with the intent to change my mind on the couple and make one younger or the other way around. There is a good reason why these two are together in the story. I am just curious if you would be personally weirded out on the surface level by a couple like that. For extra context, my story is a modern fantasy and the age of consent is 18 there, so technically, it is wrong for them to be together even in their own universe. They're lucky that the boy looks way older than 16 otherwise they'd get a lot of judging stares lol.

The user @WillowTree has suggested that I include the spoilers regarding this couple's interactions under the summary so that only those who want to read it can, and the rest can choose not to be spoiled. I think it's a good idea but for the sake of my own ideas being kept to myself, I will delete this part of the thread in about a day so that the spoilers don't stay here forever.

Spoilers

Information since redacted. If interested, I can send via PM.

[BlunderingAlbatross]

I would find it a bit weird, especially with the context of a modern society and that age of consent. Definitely weirder for the time they started dating, because at that age there'd be a much bigger gap in terms of maturity and understanding of things Not horrendous but still a lil bit problematic (just my opinion though).

[RyzaCobalion]

lol i know there's gonna be some that joke like "-_- lucky bastard" but joking aside that is something I rarely see where the female love interest is in a relationship or in love with someone slightly younger than them (1-3 years tops). But it still to me what it still boils down to their relationship with each other. Like, do they have good chemistry with each other, and is their relationship believable? And what exactly do they see each other that they're in a relationship. Honestly, if the age gap was bigger like 5 years then that's when some people raise a few eye brows

[milejdyvan]

Ah, I wish I could talk more in depth about these two but that's spoiling But I don't think it's too much of a spoiler to say that the chemistry between them is kind of skewed for lack of a better term. Most of the couples in my story aren't the 'dreamed of couple' for sure. I kind of prefer writing about weird couples, if only for the drama of it. And I agree that there are hardly ever couples with older girls and younger guys. Wish there was more of that, though maybe not in the age gap i wrote, at least not if the intent is romantic lol.

[milejdyvan]

It's the kind of opinion I would (hope) to hear honestly It's just that I've spoken to other people who said that they didn't find it weird, which made me confused. Like am I the only one who thinks it's weird? Is my 'weird couple' not that weird? So yeah, part of me asking this question is to confirm that most people find it weird as they should imo XD

[Siromany]

Hm. I'm not so sure on it really. Even three years of difference on adults can show a dynamic of someone being more experienced than the other. It's a lot more extreme when in teen years since there's such dramatic changes. Imagine the way you felt when you were fifteen, did you look at people who were nineteen and see them at you level? Or above you? When I was that age I thought nineteen year olds were like, super adult and knew more than me. There is a clear difference on how mature the characters are.

And even set in the universe you have where it's still wrong, it's... wrong?

When I was younger I worked with a story where the main characters had a huge age gap (even though they were both beings that could live for centuries, their relative mental age was 18 and mid 30's.) It was often joked in the story about him being father aged compared to her. The entire point of their relationship was that it was actually induced by something in both of them. It wasn't meant to be portrayed positively. Although I didn't write it as well as I wanted and the point didn't actually come across, and only made it look like it was supporting that kind of gap.

[milejdyvan]

Oh yes! This is not a positive relationship. And I absolutely agree that 18 and 30 is weird af 0.0 Don't even get me started on the cliche of 'they're hundreds of years old but look young'. Really hate that. As I said, I wish I could explain more about this couple without spoiling, but unfortunately, I can't. The best way I can summarize it is that both of these character's 'maturity' are not necesserily on the healthy terms and one of the points in the story is to also show that this kind of relationship is not correct. Although, in the defense of my characters, let's just say that they didn't know any better.

[Siromany]

YAH it's hard to write like, stories mean to emphasize that the content isn't okay. The most infamous example I can think of is the book Lolita, which completely demonized it but because we were in the perspective of the character doing it, it's supposed to be skewed.

Also I can understand the situation of people who you talked to and said it was fine, like... with the climate of things, that this topic is somehow still debated when it shouldn't be. Ugh.

[milejdyvan]

It's sometimes disturbing how people 'read' parts of fiction, but unfortunately, fiction is subjective so we can't control how people feel. I wouldn't really compare Lolita to this situation though. Then again, I would be curious what thoughts readers would have for the actual couple in the story

[nostalgicroxas]

In Romeo and Juliet, Juliet is 13, but how old is Romeo? Shakespeare never gives Romeo a specific age. Although his age could be anywhere between thirteen and twenty-one, he is typically portrayed as being around the age of sixteen.

My classes in both high school and then later in college is to place Romeo somewhere in 17 and upwards normally. Which is hilarious when you think about him throwing a tantrum and rolling on the floor wailing and crying. (Shakespeare, are we sure he's not five?)
Just cause we "don't like it today" doesn't mean it's not done.

Another example is "Twilight", where Bella is what, 15? And Edward is like 200?
Another is "Tuck Everlasting". Like the list goes on and on.

If they are not having sex or sexual encounters in the story presented to the readers do not freak out. If they are just flirting and dating and kissing, that's the gray area.

[Kelheor]

3 years is barely an age gap, if we use this term. Sure, the older person would be more experienced, but overall it's not strange. It does become strange to me when we put in in the frames that two started dating when the guy was 12, because 15 y.o. girl and 12 y.o. boy usually live in such absolutely different words, mentally-wise.
So... problematic? Maybe just a bit, but not quite, I won't question it too much (at least in fiction). More like unbelievable but it's just for me personally.

[Siromany]

Oh I was just more thinking about how people could interpret your story in the way you aren't trying to write. Of course yeah, you can't stop people from doing that, but hopefully people will use critical reading skills to understand the story you're trying to tell.

[milejdyvan]

In that case, it is my duty as a writer to make the couple believable lol. Which again, i wish i could explain right here but I don't want to spoil my story T_T But yes, despite their age difference, it makes... bizarre sense, let's put it like that.

[nostalgicroxas]

If it makes you feel better, I know several couples from the age range of 13~ who met and started dating and are now married 15+ years later.

So it's 100% a thing that does and can happen. The question to the public moral compass is how chaste they are? For various reasons: marriage, virgin purity, pregnant moms leads to more drop-outs, stats - lots and lots of stats. Adoption woes, abortion woes. It gets messy fast.

[milejdyvan]

My story isn't necesserily focused on sex or anything like that. I think I have like one sex scene that I have decided to show (not these two characters) but that's only because of the narrative needing it for those two in particular. I'm of the opinion that sex in fiction is boring and at worst, distracting from the story, so yeah, I don't think I will change my mind and suddenly write them together like that lol. But they are definitely touchy, to the discomfort of the people around them o.o

[Kelheor]

I mean, it's not impossible, of course, I know many teens start to date in their 11 or so (which is completely bizarre for me ). Right now I am reading Hooky and the author kinda has the same age ship, although they just start their dancing around each other at that age, not really dating. So yeah, kinda strange, but totally possible

[milejdyvan]

Oh don't worry! I'm not asking to feel better about it or anything lol but thank you for the worry! I'm of the opinion that it is absolutely weird, although I yes, have seen relationships in real life like this. I've even almost ended up in one much worse than this (thankfully I took a step back and thought it through though.) It's a gray area, but not one I am not willing to try and write into a story. But my intentions are not romantic, rather dramatic if that puts it in better context.

[nostalgicroxas]

they are definitely touchy, to the discomfort of the people around them o.o

PDA is another alarm bell. The biggest thing in your particular case is to make it VERY clear that the boy is not interested in just sex or a hot older girl, and to make it very clear the girl is not doing any kind of coersion with the boy.
If you're curious about a few things, research.

This channel on youtube actually did a good video about Rapunzel and Gaslighting which might be interesting on it's own. But I'm linkin you to the one they did about (going back to Twilight) Edward and abusive relationships.

[milejdyvan]

To respond to this I would be going into spoiler territory... But let's see... This is not a healthy relationship between these two, from either of their perspectives. I am thankful for the video, but do not worry, I have done the appropriate amount of research necessary to write this couple

[gempompadour]

I find that age gap problematic. A 12 year old and a 15 year old are so different physically and mentally that I don't think I'd want to read that kind of story. One most likely hasn't even started their puberty yet while the other is in the middle of it. Meaning one is thinking/ already having sex while the other is still literally a child. 10-18 are the most confusing, vulnerable, and erratic years of development, and kids and youths are rightly protected from groomers and predators; who can be older teens.

And as these two get older they're on different stages in life as well. Three years isn't a lot when both are in their 20's and 30's but during childhood every year counts. At 16 and 19 one is in college/ uni (might be close to graduating, and entering the adult working world and its new turmoils) while the other is just finishing school. I just find age gaps weird, especially when one party member is really young.