After reading the main part of your messages, my problem seems far less restricting,
at least regarding everyday life. Thoughā¦. Well, youāll form your own opinion
when youāve read this message :3
Iāve a genetical disease called tuberous sclerosis. It has been diagnosed when I was 8, and since then Iāve got to go to the hospital at least once a year (now less often because the period where Iām in danger of death is over, but Iāll explain this a little later). About the most important manifestations, there are tumors on my kidneys, and in my brain too.
There are also manifestations on the skin, like spots where I donāt tan (but I find this rather useful, as I donāt tan easily, I know when I do xD), and more importantly, āangiofibromasā (exact term), on my face, and these earned me to be ostracized during junior high school, and I lived it very badly (being called "contagious" isn't exactly what makes people happy...). I wasnāt happy to go to school at this timeā¦ Fortunately, it has greatly improved now, as people are more mature at age 18 or 19 X3.
Speaking of moral consequences of the disease, Iāve also lived a period when I was mad at my brothers and sisters (and sadly I still feel resent sometimes...), because this came from a spontaneous mutation, anyone amongst my siblings could have had it. And here I was, suffering things that they didnāt have to, just because things messed up when I wasnāt even born !
Moreover, there is a risk of 1 out of 2 that I give this disease to my child, if I ever have one. And let me tell you that I am LUCKY. Iāve seen people suffering from more evolved forms of the disease, and dealing with epilepsy isnāt easy (for having a friend who has epilepsy, I know how bad it can beā¦ I will never forget the day when we were speaking casually, and suddenly she had a crisis, and she nearly fall on the headā¦). Also, tumors on my kidneys and in my brain arenāt evolving, so thereās no need for a surgery (regarding brain surgery, it didn't have a high % of success to remove the entire tumor, if I remember right, due to the place where it is locatedā¦), as itās generally evolving more during adolescence.
But before that we knew it, I was very worried. I could have had a strokeā¦ >__<
However, regarding things which are still certain, I put myself in danger if I want to have a child. I donāt remember the details thoughā¦ there are consequences on the very functionning of my body.
And being bullied and having to live knowing that because a single gene which hasnāt been activated, you have to undergo medical exams, and when youāre at the hospital, you feel so bad because everyday you donāt have any problems, no mental retard, no physical problem, I remember my mom telling me that, back when I was 13 or so, I told the neurologist "I don't know why I'm here"...
Back to everyday life, youād wanna say : āLook at me, Iām suffering, Iāve seen how people can be rough to somebody who is different, and just because I would want to have a child, Iād put my life in danger !ā. And I feel very guilty for thinking this, because it makes me feel like I shouldn't display my "little" problemsā¦ This sh*t has made me think so low about myself =v=
Sorry for the novel, I've been thinking about posting long ago, but I was a little afraid to do so, but this evening, I feel down so I needed to write this down ._.
(yeah, I feel down often, and during these moments I cannot do so much to improve my mood... some friends can do so, but when I can't talk to them, it's very difficult to stand this feeling... usually I listen to music)