5 / 19
Mar 2019

Okay so I've been binging these movies because....

......

Moving on!

These movies have the most ridiculous plots. I have been laughing my ass off. I kinda don't want to spoil anything because I truly believe people should watch these.

So I've watched the princess and the pauper, which is like from 2002 or something, and a couple of the newer ones.

in P&P the plot revolves around a Kingdom that's income relies solely on a gold mine that has dried up, and the princess must be married off to a rich king. IDK how that makes sense, but it does. Anyway, the royal advisor has stolen all of the gold from the mine, because apparently that's possible and there's no guards in a mine that provides for the whole kingdom. There's also all other kind of holes in this plot because we find out the Pauper's parents took a huge debt to feed their daughter, and this was before the gold problem, so wtf? Something's fishy with this economy.

the animals also talk. It's awful. There's possibly the worst song I've ever heard in this one too


Video thumbnail basically my brain when I heard this song.

Also this song that I'm ashamed to say I like a lot. Maybe because it has cats. Also the prince don huan creep-a-long just perving on the bathing princess is great.


Another one I watched was Barbie & The Diamond Castle

Let me just tell you, the plot of this one is fucking wild. It's so convoluted. I don't even wanna do a synopsis because it was such an amazing ride. Laughed through it all. Except the puppies. the puppies were fucking scary. my god.

but most of all
It's so goddamn gay. OTP material. I ship it.


gay queens cohabitating and running a floral bussiness together and harmonizing you go hell ye.

scary as fuck dogs in this song which I really like I am ashamed



Then I watched Barbie princess charm school

The plot of this one is pretty much what you expect. Princess Diaries / Winx in Barbie format. However it's so fucking....well, weird. The main character "Blaire" wins a lottery to enter a school for princesses to become a "Lady Royal". What the fuck is that? I dunno. It's never explained what a lady royal is. Watching this film was a little like bumping into people in skyrim. All the characters are introduced with their own trait (mean girl, sporty girl, musical girl, dumb girl etc) however none of the characters are used for anything. Ever. They just spout what they are when you meet them and continue to exist for some reason. The movie used a lot more time to highlight the mean girl/ dumb girl than, for example, the best friends of the main character.

Also it's set in like regular world at first but there's rainbow ponies and fairies suddenly thrust into the plot for...seemingly no reason. All the students get assigned their own assistant fairy that serve pretty much no purpose. Except the evil fairy of the mean girl to sabotage everything. The rest of them just goof about sometimes.

this is not a musical, but there is a weird ass song around the mid point of the film that does not fit the scene or the movie AT ALL. It's also attached to a rocky style training montage of like salad forks and tea pouring 10/10

I'm gonna watch a few more, but please let me know if you remember these / have watched these.

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    Mar '19
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Nope, I have never seen these, and I am unlikely to watch them now. Your reviews, however, are entertaining by themselves.

It is so weird to think that when I was 6, my Barbies lived in a shoebox flat, wanted to become engineers, veterinarians, doctors and were as poor as Job (I mean that shoebox flat mustn't have cost all four of them them more than 400 Deutsche Mark per month). And I had one Ken doll. That no Barbie was dating, and that I generally forgot in by Barbie box and barely ever took out. He was also undressed. Because one of the Barbies was wearing his clothes.

I feel kinda bad for Ken now, thinking back.

Has nothing to do with those Barbie movies of yours. Go on watching what makes you happy.

yer when i see these dolls i still want to go back to my old habits of pulling the heads off and sticking them on pencils ( insert evil laugh) and yes my child hood was being Sid from toy story!

er the movies i thought the were some sort of modern day punishment
"now sit there and watch this!"
"argh! no please spank me!"

nuff said back to my corner...

Dude! The Princess and the Pauper used to be my jam omg!! The first four movies I watched a ton as a kid. The Nutcracker, Rapunzel, Swan Princess and the Princess and the Pauper. Even had all the dolls from the movies. (Used to play Mario with my dolls and use the Princess and Pauper dolls as Peach and Daisy cause I was such a dork lol) Can't say much about the new movies, and I haven't seen the older ones in many many years, but they hold a spot in my heart no matter how cheesy they are.

i remember loooooooooving princess and the pauper as a kid. damn, i forgot how ugly the graphics were

ALSO SWAN LAKE. WATCH THAT ONE!

I love all of them! I watch them today and I am not ashamed of it because Barbie is my childhood! I still remember when I was little and I would always watch it. Time sure flies...

I was around 12 or something when they started coming out so I was kinda "Outgrowing" them, but I do have a soft spot especially for the princess & the pauper.

Watched "Fashion Fairytale" just now and oh boy.

The story opens with barbie being on set for a movie about The Princess and the Pea, and first off, the story takes like 3 minutes to go through so how is it going to be a movie, and second, barbie is a TERRIBLE actress.

Suddenly the peas are called in and they're rapping zombie peas, and not going to lie, that was a legitimately funny scene. Except for the part that seriously looks like barbie is going to be assaulted by a bunch of zombie peas. Barbie is all wtf and the director tells her that zombies are hip and happening so they're putting them in. Barbie argues that it's stupid and the original story is about staying true to yourself and it's great because it's so simple, and promptly gets fired.


Also what part of princess and the pea can you think is about "staying true to yourself". It's literally about a girl who says she's a princess and proves it by being real soft noodle. that's it.

This one was so absurd. The plot revolves around barbie being dumped by ken after this (this was an EVIL PLOT by Raquel) and her flying to her aunt's fashion store in paris only to find out she's selling it to a hotdog company. They specifically say it's going to be a hotdog store, instead of a factory, so idk what the fuck kinda store sells nothing but hotdogs and needs a three story high ceiling storefront, but okay.

There's a girl called some really long name which is never used and instead she is called Alice for the entire movie. Why was the bit about her having a really fancy name in the film? I dunno. She's barbie's aunts...Assistant? Child laborer? I have no clue what her job title was, since she wasn't a designer. Barbie finds a dress Alice made, and it's ugly as sin. She's all "OHMYGOSH U SO TALENTED" And Alice being a shy little french girl is all oh noo :(((( no am not!!! Barbie tells her the dress looks magical and the girl goes fucking apeshit and drags her to the attic to look at a closet and tells her it's magical. Wth

NOW THE BEST PART.
The closet is the home of "Flairies" which are three fairies that put glitter on dresses they like. that's it. But it's treated like it's some sort of amazing feat. No one has ever put glitter on a dress.

They make everything absolutely horrendeus and this makes it high fashion I guess.

There's a whole bunch of other shit, but that's the beginning of the film. It was pretty great. Especially the whole 15 minutes of the ending. It was so awful.

D*mn, if you don't talk about this one I probably had forgotten the entire plot. XD

I remember thinking that all of the dress if just normal s*it until they goes all shiny and stuff, then everyone goes AAAHHHH OOOOHHH AAAAAHHHH.

Have you watch Swan Lake? I kinda like that one and although I actually like the twelve dancing princess back then, thinking about it now, the plot is kinda... Meh. But the child me love it.

rapping zombie peas
Is it just me, or is this plot point surprisingly satirical and red pilled for a Barbie movie?

and it's ugly as sin
I'll have you know that my sins are sexy.

Great review though! I picture Alan Rickman reading these descriptions in his judgemental Snape voice.

Ok so I forgot to write something about the fairytopia movie so --->

I wouldn't recommend this for a fun watch. I mainly just had a very, very painful expression on my face while going through it, just because it was so awful. I'm also fairly sure this movie was released after P&P, so there's really no reason for it to be so ugly.

Story kicks off with us introduced to Barbie who is a fairy without wings, and who'se dress is too poofy so her hands are stuck at a 30 degree angle at all times. It's very sad. There's also some ungodly abomination that makes a very annoying sound that hangs around for the entire film because the movie wasn't going to be bad anough without that demon going about.
.
Anyway, she's bullied by other fairies who are about 10 x smaller than her for some reason. Like if they bully you, just stomp on some bitches, problem solved.


They then tell barbie that Topaz is missing. Who is that? We'll figure out around 30 min mark of the film so might as well forget about her for now.
We're introduced to barbie's best friend, Dandellion, who tells us there's a flying sickness that affects only flying things, and also fairytopia, where they live, is dying. She's in the movie for about 2 minutes, so might as well forget her as well. She's in the movie such a brief time I couldn't even find her picture on google.
Barbie is miffed because the flower she lives in, that is her friend, who she also wears, is dying. Wearing your friends entrails as a dress is pretty metal, no lie.

we then cut to the villain who is revealed to be the source of the sickness. She also kidnapped Topaz, and Ruby, they both have about 2 seconds of lines so who really cares. The only thing we know about Ruby is that he's a guy and according to him he's tall.

cut back to barbie, and barbie decides to go to fairytown with dandellion, but dandellion is a weak bitch so when the flying sickness makes her unable to fly she can't walk for two steps (except when she leaves to go home tho). So barbie and satan's furball are alone going to meet Azura. Azura is actually the only guardian fairy who is in the movie for more than a few seconds, and she offers for her to stay the night and she foreshadows some masterplan she has.

Honestly after this I have hardly any idea what happened. There were 50 other characters who appeared for a second. Some mermaid dude who was a prince who barbie made heart eyes at for a few seconds, two gnomes and some dryad and whatever. In the end there was some bullshit with butterfly necklaces and barbie got her wings 0/10 I will never ever subject myself to this movie again.

literally the only thing i remember about the movie was the sidekick spawn of whatever thing everything else is a blur

The only movies I liked were Rapunzel and Nutcracker. I thought those were pretty good.

i could never get into rapunzel but the nutcracker was one of the few i actually enjoyed

I watched The Princess and The Popstar

What I didn't know is that this is actually a "remake" of the princess and the pauper and well.

My god this movie is terrible. Funny though.

The first thing is that probably about 50% of the run time (give or take an hour) is terrible songs and/or terrible covers of pop songs. So you can already gauge what type of quality this movie is going to be, when all of the plot is thrust into 30 minutes


We open with both Princess Tori, and Popstar Keira (i think?) lamenting how they wish they could be each other, since Keira is in a musical rut, and stressed about her tour. Tori is....Well she doesn't want to write a speech she needs to present at the 500th anniversary of the town (?). That's about it. At first it really seems like Keira has the more in-depth backstory, since there's a legit reason she wants to be a princess. Girl is burnt out.

but the opening number just kinda ignores this, and focuses on Tori's struggle of not being able to wear sneakers (?) and fangirling about Keira. Keira's lyrics are just about how she wants to be served things, which doesn't seem to line up....But you know, whatever.

The Princess & Pauper version of this song is this, and while it's not too great, there's a few good lines in it (like "I'm realizing every present comes with strings" about the cost of the princess' priviledge).

We're introduced to the villain of the story who's a has-been chipmunk singer that's designed after Ace Ventura(because Ace Ventura was totally hip and happening in 2012). The actor also does a horrible imitation of Jim Carrey. He has a sidekick janitor who is just not funny. Neither of them is funny to be honest.


Moving on, Tori invites Keira to visit her in the palace, where a few royals talk about the drought affecting crops (more about this later) in the background, and some kendoll prince who was called L something. He has about 2 lines, so who gives a crap.

Tori fangirls and gives Keira a tour of the castle and they both discover they have magical items that can change clothes / hair respectively. This does nothing for the plot. I'm not exactly sure why they didn't just go the traditional route and have them be disguised just by changing clothes by, uh, doing it, instead of waving about some magical junk and glitters. It's never explained why they have these or what they are. The princess I can kind of get having magical junk, but why does the random peasant have a magic microphone?? Whatever. They change places for an hour and giggle about being OMG such girls. Empowering.

Tori then decides to share a secret with Keira, who I might remind you, SHE JUST MET, that the royal family has been guarding a magical plant that grows diamonds for as long as they've existed. There's also some fairies just because. This raises questions if the reason it's kept so secret is because it's the royal family's claim to power. I dunno, seems kinda suspect.

anyway, they decide to swap places for a few days to a horrible song, and Keira writes a really shitty song and Tori just idk goofs about. She meets some poverty stricken girls who inform her that because the drought is going on it's been bad on the wineyards. There's a pretty big problem with this, which is that in order to make good wine the grapevines need to suffer. Which is why wine grapes are cultivated in like arid places. The juicy grapes you eat make shit wine, and this is common knowledge. So wth. Plus all the plants around seem to be mediterranean and are doing real good (lush & green) so where exactly is this drought happening.

Then there's a bunch of crap and the ace ventura dude tries to steal the plant but fails and yadda yadda 50 shitty songs later happy end and Tori finally delivers her speech, wich she never actually wrote, and talks about installing an irrigation system and I'M SORRY BUT YOU MEAN TO TELL ME Y'ALL HAVE IPHONES AND SHIT BUT YOU DON'T HAVE IRRIGATION SYSTEM FOR THE CROP THAT YOUR ECONOMY DEPENDS ON WTF.

Oh gosh Fairytopia. I think that was when I started growing out of it cause I really did not like that one and everything after. Lol