Chapter 1's opening line was a bit confusing. I understood it as: the tires are screeching and they on asphalt and “an overexcited crowd” (1). I don’t think you’re trying to say that a car is driving on a crowd of overexcited people, but that’s how I interpreted the first sentence.
I think its important to open a scene with more concrete images. Don’t tell the audience how fast the cars are driving. Show them how fast they are driving. Don’t tell the audience that more people watch the races each year. Show them that there are more people watching by telling the audience how claustrophobic it feels in comparison to other years or the number of contestants on the track in comparison to the previous year. Use more sensory details. What do they see, smell, hear, and feel? I would focus more on the elements in the scene’s environment outside of the cars to expand the scene and make the setting feel more real.
Information about the characters is spaced out nicely throughout the chapter. The timing of their delivery is done well. I would focus more how information is delivered. Show the reader how nervous Ashlay feels about being late to the charity concert and why he feels nervous.
Some of the sentences are clunky and wordy. For example: “Tires screeching on asphalt at top speed and an overexcited crowd” (1). I think you’re trying to deliver too much information in one sentence. I would break up these sentences into two or three more sentence to make the delivery of ideas clearer. This will also give you more room to expand on the ideas you already have. What’s shape of the track? How does the crowd show their excitement? Are they tense? Are they breathless? Are they standing? Do they hang from the edge of their seats?
Some of the sentences are redundant. For example: “The shouts of joy and admiration grew louder and louder as the favourite won” (1). The audience already knows that the crowd’s favourite won the race. There’s no need to tell them again, especially so soon after showing them that everyone’s attention was on the car he was driving. If you need to make the point that the crowd’s favourite driver won the race clearer, I would place that information before the line about the crowd erupting in joy. This way the scene flows more naturally.
Try to avoid using adverbs like “very.” Most of the time they’re unnecessary and don’t add value to a sentence. “A chic dark red suit” is a stronger phrase then “a very chic dark red suit” (1).
The opening scene develops too quickly. I found the Ashlay jumping from racing to the track to the changing room to his car in such a short amount of time too quick. I almost got whiplash. I think you need to slow down the pace, especially in the first couple of paragraphs. Take your time developing the scene and the characters, and lay the necessary foundations for the most important part of the chapter: Ashlay seeing Altaha for the first time.
I would introduce the characters by name before the dialogue starts. It was a bit confusing trying to figure out which character was speaking. I had to re-read the passages leading to the dialogue at least once to determine which section of dialogue belonged to which character and which character won the race.
Make the dialogue more concise. There are sections where subtext would have been more natural-sounding and appropriate. For example: “So, you are leaving like Cinderella at the stroke of midnight?” (1). “At the stroke of midnight” is unnecessary since the subtext of the conversation is Ashlay leaving the track before the award ceremony. Both characters know the circumstances of Cinderella’s flight from the prince. They know what time she left. Stating that she left at midnight sounds too close to “as you know Bob. . .”
Try to avoid dialogue tags as much as possible, especially when the conversation is short and only between two characters. When you do decide to include a tag, it should begin in the lower case unless it is a character’s name. For example: “I see you’re in a good mood,” said Ashlay. Also, try to stick to the more invisible tags, such as “he said” or “Ashlay asked.”
The change in POV in the middle of the chapter was a bit jarring. They occurred too frequently in such a short chapter. I would keep the first chapter’s POV strictly centred around Ashlay, especially when the section about Altaha would have been stronger on its own and if it was allowed to develop more. What’s being set up in that section is too important to imbed into a chapter that is predominantly in another character’s perspective.
The first chapter is structured nicely. It has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Nitpick: There are hyphens in “half-an-hour.”
