I recently made a bunch of changes to the first chapter of my story. I’m looking to get critiques on the chapters story and writing— whether it’s exciting enough, if anything is confusing, dialogue, and general improvements I could make.
Happy to exchange critique with the first 3 people who wants it (due to my capacity.) Just let me know what you need me to look at.
Thanks!
Apr '23
Apr '23
Hi there!
I took a reading of your webcomic, and have some thoughts that you might find useful!
First, the good. Drawing, lettering, coloring and paneling -everything is great. There are no problems there, and you should keed doing what you are doing, because you are doing it just right. If you want to become better on any of those elements, you only need to focus on that goal, and you will achieve it.
And now, the thing that could be better, the script -but no, wait! Its not that the story is bad, the story is not bad at all, but how you tell it it says a lot. Chapter wise you have 2 chapters, and we already have 3 time jumps for Sao's backstory, wich is a lot of change in the pace. We could be learning about Sao, his tribe, his abilities and his sad past as long as the story goes, but having the constant timejumps breaks the connection of the reader with the story. In my opinion, you could even start the whole story in episode 5 of Abduction, and it would had set a better pace, because you start with a simple scenary were readers can relate, and then the conflict arise, Sao arrives running from their captors and Ira goes to help -and this brings me to another issue, logic.
Logic wise, we are speaking of two vassal kingdoms, and their owner, and the fact that Ira didn't recognice them, him wanting to be military (the Mytia let them have an army??), and them being incredible savage with their vassal states doesn't ring true. His parent would had told him who their owners are, and to fears them. Of course, he can hates them instead of fears them, but he would had that knowledge -in fact, Ira going to help Sao for hating the Mytiams seems more appropiate that just going for the fun of it.
Another logic problem -why does he hides Sao? If he thought that the Mytiams were only raiders he should had took Sao to his parents without problem. Maybe they would be mad because he didn't attend his duties, and could bring problems to his house, but as Ira goes, he is not much of a thinker, but its a good soul, it would had been in character.
And talking about character -why Ira had a 180° turn when he reachs Sao in the boat? He absolutely have no reason to believe the Mytiams who cut his father arm, so why so distrusting of Sao now, and not before? Of course he wants to capture Ira to recover his parents, but he could go with that, not calling 'liar' or 'criminal' to Sao, because in the end, it doesn't matter that to Ira. He need to bring Sao back for his parents, not because he believes what the Myrtians told about Sao. Ira been the good soul that he is, doesn't stay in character this change.
In comparison, Sao has been completely well written. He stays in character all the time. He has a mission of sorts, and goes for it. He knows the dangers and act accordingly. He is the example of good writting that you should put on Ira.
So, in summary -find a pace that you can work into your chapters, and work into your characters logic/behavor/dialogue.
Hope this helps!
And of course, if you think that I have no idea of what I am talking about, just don't take my opinion into account. Remember that there are thousands of opinions, and your are as valid as any oher, so if you don't want to change anything, there is no problem on it =D
Now, if you want to check my webcomic, I would be delighted, but you are not obliged.
I have too many chapters to do a quick review, and any problem that you can spot in the first chapters may have been already fixed on later chapters. It would take some time to do a 'in deep' review. Anyways, here its my webcomic. Enjoy!
Thanks for the critique! a lot of great perspective that I'll have to digest. Looking at it, starting from episode 5, where Ira is introduced definitely would have been stronger, and I'll probably make that change down the line! The flashbacks are meant to be a bit jarring because Sao's power operates on memory, so it's him being "bounced" between his memory kind of, but I'll think of ways to make it more intentional. I'll work on Ira's character as well to clarify his actions!
Here's my critique. I read the first chapter, then skipped to the middle, then to the latest episodes because you've written a lot.
In general, I thought the comic is funny, well drawn, an the story is captivating despite me not being into slice of life. The characters are genuine, likable, and well established. I like for example, how you showed Robin being angry at Jael for ruining the computer parts-- at first he seems just hot tempered and protective of Cory, but later reveal that it was also because Robin has a crush on Cory. I like how he develops from what typically would be a goofy "best friend" character into a character with a full emotional arc.
My main criticism is in your text:
There're a bit of spelling/ grammar issues and general awkwardness, which is totally understandable for a non-native English speaker (me too!). Nothing that stops me from understanding the story, but it slows down my reading pace considerably. If you can't find a proof reader, some of the issues can be fixed if you paste your text into google doc, which gives you spelling and grammar suggestions.
Here's how I'd rewrite the comic description. Feel free to do with it as you please:
Cory has survived three years of school, despite the constant bullying and his trademarked bad luck. He has even managed, somehow, to become the President of the Computer Club... without a computer! But just when he has saved up enough money to build one, his bad luck strikes again, roping him and his band of nerds into a series of misadventures which will force them to come out of their shell.
Your dialog can be longwinded, where characters say more than they need to and over explain things. You can cut down a lot of what you've written to pace the dialog better. Leave certain things unsaid for the viewers to interpret,
For example, instead of:
You could go:
In some scenes, characters describe what's already happening in the panel or in the previous panel. This isn't necessary, because we can see the image or have already read it.
For example, the dialogues below are redundant. Instead of having them say out loud "here comes more bots!" and "quick! enter!!!" you can just show it in a drawing. The dialog would be better use for characters to make jokes to show off their personality. Something like "get out of my way!" to show that the character is selfish or "eat a door, robots!" would be more memorable.
A related issue is that you sometimes tell instead of show and some dialogue lacks subtlety. Character say outloud what they feel. In emotional scenes where characters spill their hearts out this is good, but you should also try writing dialogue that has subtext-- hinting at feelings and thoughts. Use your art-- character expressions, composition etc-- instead of having them say it. This is a big issue at the beginning of the story, but it gets a lot better as the story goes on. Still, it reappears sometimes.
For example, if you have shown this play ground as a significant place for Robin and Cory earlier, and emphasize it more in the panel, all you'd have to say in your bubble would be "here it is..." and viewers would know why Cory walked here.
It's ultimately about having tight and efficient writing. Every dialogue should provide new information about story without repeating the image. When you write your dialogue, I recommend looking at it again and ask yourself "is line really necessary?"
Here's one of my favorite movie scene of all time. Both are trying to figure out if their spouse is cheating on them. Neither of them actually say "oh no, my spouse must be cheating!", but we understand through their conversation about shopping, the acting, and the camera movement.
Thanks again for the review. The best part of your story is seeing how much you improved in all of these aspect as the story goes on!
Thank you very much for your in deep review!
As you have seen, yes, some issues have already been solved just by doing the comic in itself! That's why I started this comic, really. To know how to do one, the best is to do one xD
But isn't always easy, without the abilitie to pinpoint the problems I can't really know what to focus in fixing, right? Well, you have helped me take into consideration some issues that I have not noticed before! Like, I know that my characters speak too much, but I didn't really noticed why I did that, or how to solve it. You gave me a good reference on how to fix that.
I am already working on the last arc of the webcomic, so your insights won't be reflected on this series, but on future works I will have absolutely in mind all of your words! I don't pretend to throw away all your effort!
Thank you very much again!
EDIT: Forgot to tell you, your description its way better than the one I wrote =P
I just took out the 'three' because I don't like to have exact time dates expressed on the comic if I can avoid it, but besides that, it was way better! Thanks for that!
I read chapter 1, and I like the worldbuilding, it feels real, the ending was quite impactful, I just wish to get to know more of the characters before going into action and plot stuff, more of their emotions and concerns hopes and beliefs I'm aware it's dificult to fit that all into one chapter and you did put a bit of that but for me I need more than that to be invested.
the art and all the other elements hooked me well enough so I would say you did a good job overall and it works fine the way it is I don't know if we get to know more of the character later on but the first chapter is good,you did a good job and here is my comic which nowhere near your level I mean like I am no as talented as you but I want to get better so here it is, I would like some feedback
Thanks for the review! I'll be sure to add more character development within the next chapter.
My critique:
I really like all the unique character designs-- it really shows their personality, skills, and make them memorable. You also shows off the characters personalities well through witty dialogues. "you so below me it's hard to hear" really made me laugh. Theres only been three episodes so it's hard to judge the story, but it's an efficient start so far.
One thing you could work on is your panel pacing. Remember that the more panels there are, the slower the pace. In some places where a conversation should be quick and witty, your art slowed it down.
This series of panel could've been combined into fewer panels. I understand you're trying to highlight his emotions, but it makes the dialogue choppy. I would build it up to final panel like this:
It also means you need to draw less.
You could do more showing instead of just telling. For example, instead of just having Jackie say "the ship is everything I have," maybe earlier in your story, have him yell at his crew mate for accidentally scratching it.
thanks for the feedback I really apreciate it, but I want to make a correction, Jackie wasn't talking about the ship, it suposed to be about the job, the service of transportation, is everything they have, its a line to make you empathize with the character knowing they are strugling, and I didn't knew a better way to do it, but you are right about showing vs telling, I will work on that in the future, also the panel pacing too.
ohh that makes more sense. I must have misread something. Just disregard that criticism in that case. I like how thats hinted at earlier when he made the joke about starving earlier.
Ill offeer another criticism it's place: you could do is draw more of the settings/background, which is one of the first think think of for scifi movies. You got the characters designs down, so you can now flush out the world to go with them. Id love to see more of how the ship and planets look like, what cool technologies it has.
One trick I do is have dialogue over a drawing of the backround instead of someone talking. It really helps establish the mood.
I will work on my background thanks for the advice, you do really good backgrounds, any tips on how to pratice drawing them?
I highly suggest learning perspective. Your art style is more cartoony and rough so you could get away with more funky perspective, but it's still very useful. One "cheat" I use is to google search pictures with perspectives that match what I want to draw and trace over the perspective lines to get me started. If you have Clip Studio, there's a perspective ruler tool that's super useful.
Other than that just use a lot of references to get you inspired. I have a folder of environments and plants for different environment and cities in my story.
This. I have over 100 folders for each situation I may need as reference with over 6k images in total. This helps to inspire whenever I may need it. You don't need as many folders as I do, @dbeirigo . I am a bit crazy in that regard but I do recommend saving some images in a folder to use as reference later.
I know Ive tried to read this comic before but dont think I got all the way through what you had then.
Unfortunatly im horrible at giving critique but I read all of it now and I think you could say im hooked 
Loving the art and I got through it all in a good flow and intrigued by the characters and story so far! Really looking forward to reading more 
