Buckle Up
You definitely caught me in the right/wrong day for this because college is all I’ve been able to think about for almost a year now.
College was a hard time for me. I didn’t really want the degree I went for, but I took it on because I was trying to get a good job or whatever. And honestly, what else would there have been for me? I was sheltered and gifted as kid so home and school was all I knew. School was the good, organized place where I was praised for being such a good kid and got to hang out with friends, and home was the place where I constantly had to wonder when I was gonna get yelled at again. And I wasn’t allowed to go out by myself or walk to other kids houses so it was usually home—>school—>home—>school. The idea of not having college in my life wasn’t really an option.
But college was so hard. You go from being gifted to supposedly being average. On paper it looked good. As an Bs most of the time, some less than that but never failing any classes. The fact that I was relatively succeeding in school I think is the reason NOBODY wanted to take me seriously when I kept bringing up that it felt like I had ADHD. I’m still not convinced I don’t feel like normal, everyday, tasks are supposed to be THIS DAEM HARD! But as much as I resent my college therapist and psychiatrist for not taking me seriously about the ADHD I still miss her all the time. There were a lot of days where I didn’t feel like my therapist was listening to me in the way I wanted to be listened her to, but after growing up in the household I did, it felt good to have someone in my life take my feelings and fears and insecurities seriously. I cried my eyes out the day we had our last session and she said “I’ll miss you.”
Then Coronavirus hit and as morbid as it is, it was the best thing to happen to me. I graduated DECEMBER 2019 and the world had pretty much gone to hell by March 2020. I had no plans. I was not ready to join the “real world” but then the real word went and set itself on fire. I more or less got a free pass on everything. I had a family member who was letting me stay with them and everyone was to scared to really ask me to do anything, so I got a safe place to stay and just watch the world burn through my TV.
And this was the crazy part. All that quiet time helped me to reflect on school. I remember how surreal it was to go to bed at 10pm and not 1am because I was drench in work. I remember how weird it was to wake up and actually feel rested. Sitting around and not having an 8 page paper due in two days and putting off felt amazing. It really made me stop and think “Wait, if this is what it feels like to be at peace, then what the hell have I been doing for the last four years?” Because a lot of those years involved my therapist recommending me medication and suggesting things I wasn’t prepared to try. It was probably less if her “not listening” to me, and more of her talking me down from a ledge with how toxic some of my thoughts got. I used to tell her that I had been living with anxiety for so long that I wasn’t sure what things would look like if I ever got rid of it, but April 2020 there I was feeling at peace and without a care for the first time in years. Made me mad that I hadn’t done more.
This is already long but here is where things broke for me in 2021
I was finally feeling great. I had this pretty cushy remote call center job that I THOUGHT I was doing well at UNTIL I GOT PUT ON A FINAL!!! Something I said on the phone (Sir/Ma’am this call may take 20-40 minutes. Do you think you will have that kind of time today?) got interpreted as CALL AVOIDANCE and my job called me on a Monday afternoon to come back on a Tuesday morning. I had to call out on the Tuesday to get things in order to come back Wednesday. That was the first time I had to call out meaning I just broke perfect attendance. Luckily the relative I was staying with was nice enough to drive to work and back but it was a terrible commute. It was at least 30 minutes there and the same amount back. But I didn’t have a car, I don’t know how to drive (oh yeah, in my mid twenties and can’t drive yet pathetic), and the bus wasn’t safe because of Coronavirus. And here’s the especially shitty part. This final period went on for 90 DAYS!!!
I really liked this job. I wanted to keep it. The work wasn’t that hard, my coworkers were nice, and I enjoyed helping people over the phone. So I told myself I would just tough it out for the 90 days and then I could go home and go back to my easy quarantine life. THAT WAS A MISTAKE because over the course of those 90 days all the bad habits I had in school/college came back. The overeating, the bad sleep schedule, the money spending issues, the weird sense of hunger I had where it felt like I could never get full. I even returned to doing that stupid “bouncy leg” thing that all anxious people do, but I hadn’t done in awhile. I really felt like I was healing from the crap I went through in college, and to have it all come back because of something I thought was courteous (telling people the timeframe on the phone), still boils my blood a bit.
And this is the crab conclusion to all this. The truth is, I don’t think I really understood just how BAD I was doing. Of course I knew something was wrong or else I wouldn’t have gone to therapy in the first place, but being out of that mindset just to get dragged back into it kicking and screaming last minute really revealed it to me. It’s the contrast. And now when I hear this those same toxic thought pop up from before they scare me (ex. I want to die. What’s the point? I can’t take this anymore). I’ll stop and think now “Jesus, it’s this what I sound like? It’s this how I’ve always sounded? What the hell have I been doing?” You know those quirky “Lol, I’m suicidal” posts you used to see all the time on Tumblr? I used to laugh at how relatable those were. I don’t think it’s funny anymore. I don’t feel “lol XD depressed, quirky” anymore. And I don’t want to laugh at the fact that I still have these problems. I don’t feel “quirky” anymore. I feel broken and there’s nothing funny about how much I’m struggling.
So that’s where I am now. I’m living with relatives who (JUSTIFIABLY) don’t want me around anymore ( I mean I’m a grown ass woman at this point) My only other relative is someone who drives me insane if we’re together too long. I’m terrified of a repeat of what happened last year on my job ( I’m still there ). I’m on the crisis line every other day because I need someone who’ll listen to me and not tell me I’m annoying for being stressed. And not a day has passed where I don’t think about going back to school.
In a sense school gave me everything. It gave me a place to stay (dorms), it gave me somewhere to work (school cafeteria), it gave me goals to aspire to ( classes, homework), and it gave me a support network (friends, professors, RAs, academic advisors, student managers, classmates, miscellaneous people who see in passing). Now it feels like I have nothing. I know that’s not true. I at least have some family no matter how I feel around them. I have a place to stay for now. But these days have gotten so empty. I had dozens of fears of what life would be like after school and not all, but a lot of them have come true. And this hurts so damn bad because for a brief, fleeting, second I thought I was getting better.
Every day I think about going back to get a masters. But even then I’ll think to myself “What happens in 18~ months when you finish that? Then what?” But I know that there nothing back at college that I really want to study. I just want something familiar back.
Everyday something happens that reminds me I am not ready to do all this and I think to myself “If two more years of research papers and late night it’s what it takes to put this on hold, then maybe it’s worth it.” Because I have never felt as useless and stuck and lost as I do now.
So yeah, that my experience/ thoughts on school.
