Critique each others blurbs

[QingDom]

Hey, `about an hour ago I wrote a new blurb and I'm not sure what to think.
A blurb is used to give a peek into what a story is about and I'm not sure which of the blurbs (my new one or old one) or if any of them does what they are supposed to do.

So I leave the decision to you, my good people. Which to you prefer or if both of them are trash, show me something better. And post your own along with a link so I can check it out.

My new blurb

In a world where humans need magic to live, magic is in the air, water, and food. Without mana, the body dies and the more magic the body consumes, the stronger and more powerful the body becomes. Magic comes from mana veins and those who own them control the world and those who want them have to take them by force. Xasha who grew up in this war-torn world wants to know, why is the world the way it is, what is magic? How does it really work? Is there any way this world can be equal?

My old Blurb

XASHA who grew up in Lithuania a land where fights for mana veins happened every day, loves having knowledge of everything around him and in this world of magic where nobody knows how it works. He finds himself thirsting for answers to the questions nobody has the answers to. He also wanted to change the political landscape of this world where few have and the rest have to become slaves in order to get a share. Having taught him all they knew, his parents sent him to the White Lotus Academy to further his studies. It's there that he meets the pink-haired Combat Medic Megan and his best friend VERRA. Who joins him on his journey to change the world.

[QingDom]

btw... my work.

Falling Stardust | Tapas

[SleepingPoppy]

Perhaps something a little more inbetween the two? I think the first one sets up the world better, but feels a little too existential with the way Xasha is explained/introduced. The second does a good job introducing everything, but is getting a bit too into the minutia.

Magic comes from mana veins; those who own them control the world and those who want them have to take them by force.

Xasha grew up in Lithuania, a land where fights for mana veins happen every day. He wants to unravel the mysteries of magic and the toxic political structure built upon it, and so enters the White Lotus Academy to pursue his studies, and one day, perhaps, change the world.

Not perfect, but basically I just tried to streamline the two.

---

I wrote my comic's blurb a while back, so I wouldn't mind fresh eyes on it.

Hell Hounds is the story of Payne, Phury and Asoro. Hell hounds and an angel respectively, there should be little cross over between these creatures; but with Asoro on his own, the boys can't help but bring him home. While something more may blossom between the three men, Heaven and Hell can't possibly just let things be.

This is a story of love, and the machinations of Hell.

Hell Hounds | Tapas

[Berserker]

I like your new blurb a lot better QingDom. Its a bit shorter and sums up the series in a way someone who hasn't read it understands.

The old blurb had stuff like "mana veins" and people wouldn't know what those are just from reading the synopsis. The old one also has a lot more names. And again unless you read the book you won't know the importance of the names.

Of course naming the main character in the new blurb is just fine as you'll get to know him right away.

@SleepingPoppy
I like yours. Its short, to the point, and fun.

I'll post mine.
(An escaped orc slave and a restless noble join the ranks of the Adventurer's Guild. These few volunteers are all that stand between the frontier towns and the cursed wilderness beyond. Rhunal is the only one of her kind who can wield human magic. Brondulf is trapped by a secret he can't reveal. They can only survive if they work together.)

[QingDom]

your blub fully tells what's happening in your series, mine doesn't fully pain the pitcure i want it to

[QingDom]

i like your idea, i should try to fuse the two, but not today my brain is tired

[SagaHolmgaard]

I like your blurb, but the first time I read through it I got a bit confused as "hell hounds" was used as the title first and then as a descriptor in the following sentence. I think something about how the two sentences were structured kinda made me not expect it to be used for different purposes after each other, if that makes sense. (I'm not a native english speaker so that could be why haha. Maybe it helpts to just restructure the second sentence a bit...

"Hell Hounds is the story of Payne, Phuro an Asoro. Being two hell hounds and an angel respectively, there should be....."

@Berserker Yours really captures the interest of the reader, good work! I really like that it raises questions such as, what is Rhunal's secret? Makes you want to read more.

Here's mine, I constantly struggle with trying to make it sound good, so feedback would be appreciated:

After a successful coup on the throne, Albus and his bodyguard Styrka need to find a way to save Albus' father, the emperor, and reclaim the empire from the power-hungry Irene.

A heartfelt fantasy story about sticking together through hardships and being better than you were yesterday.

[EmmyPax]

SagaHolmgaard, I think you are on the right track. You've got the right basic elements, and I think it could just be fleshed out a little.

I like to think of the blurbs as being similar to elevator pitches - the kind that you would use to attract agents or editors to a project if you were trying to get them interested in a script or novel. Generally, I find this little formula a good place to start if anyone is struggling with their own pitch (terms in uppercase are meant to be swapped out with your own elements):

When PROTAGONIST encounters PROBLEM, they must FIRST ATTEMPT AT A SOLUTION. But COMPLICATION means EVEN BIGGER PROBLEM.

If I was to massage yours a little to punch it up, I would probably do something like this:

After a successful coup dethrones the emperor, Albus vows to save his father and reclaim their empire from the power-hungry (General? some indication of her rank/title would be helpful here) Irene. With the help of his bodyguard, Stryka, he sets out to (First step of the quest?). But COMPLICATION etc etc

Often, focusing on a single protagonist makes for a stronger intro to a story, even if the piece is ensemble based. That way you can focus on what motivates them and tip the reader off about how/why they should be emotionally invested in the story.

This is my current blurb. Thanks for the feedback, guys!

After a bad break-up, Meg is living on her best friend's couch, desperate for change. When she finds a small farm on picturesque Neptune Island, she jumps at the chance to escape the big city, just like the characters in her favorite farming sim games!

But quirky townspeople are harder to befriend in real life. And maybe the reason the farm is so cheap has something to do with the dead body in the river.

A watercolor/traditional media comic for fans of Stardew Valley and Harvest Moon.

[QingDom]

i love your blurb, it gives me a great idea of what the story is about, btw what do you think of mine?

[EmmyPax]

I think your original blurb got a little closer to what usually works for pitching stories. In both of them, however, I'm not 100% sure what the problem is that your spurs your hero to action in the first place. Did Xasha start out at the academy or just join recently? Did something happen there that threw the world into chaos?

The world-building "problem" might be at the heart of your story, but it looks to me like what you are describing with it is more the general state of affairs of your world, not the set of events that drive the story to action. Usually, you pitch by identifying a specific problem (or inciting incident, if you're into Save The Cat/Hollywood Three-Act Structure lingo) that forces the hero out of their status quo and into action.

Ideally, you'll want to focus on those plot elements and your protagonist in the pitch, then weave the world-building around that. Generally, you don't need half as much world-building as you think you do in order to pitch well - just enough to whet the appetite and hint at the possibilities of your world. The one exception comes when you have a really, super crazy unique world-building idea, but those are few and far between. One of the few examples I can think of is Jurassic Park (theme park filled with dinosaurs is pretty unique). Most sci-fi and fantasy is playing with familiar tropes to a certain extent, which isn't a bad thing! There's nothing wrong with exploring themes/ideas that maybe have turned up elsewhere. This seems to be the case with yours (world where people have forgotten/don't know how to use magic is a super fun trope, and deserves to be in your pitch, but it's probably best if it isn't your entire blurb).

So first off, I would say maybe clarify what the "problem" is that spurs your character to action, then go from there.

[QingDom]

that's hard, my story isnt- begin-inciting-incdient-middle-end.

There is no inciting incident, what drives the charater into action is his thirst for knowledge and everything else happens like things ususally happen in life good and bad. he meets friends enimies and he meets obsitcles and such. i that make sense.