Difficult to move past artist abuse

TheYaoiEmpire 2023-10-20 18:21:13 UTC #1

I love my still in the infant stages novel for my sci-fi supernatural story, Phantom Specters. But, It's hard to look at it now after an artist that approached me on a volunteer basis, as most all my projects are paused due to low funding. After that artist S*xually harassed me and belittled me and tried to force me to 'prove I was a girl' even though I made it very clear I'm a trans man, I'm not interested and he was a fucking creep. I want to start writing it and working on it again, so bad. But I fully believe this person is the one who hacked the email with all my new Phantom Specters content I worked so fucking hard on, and deleted everything...

I don't know how.

I want to look for a new artist to work on it, but I'm scared and traumatized and I thought that if I gave it a long time that panic and fear that I feel will go away but it hasn't.

I had to stop using this platform for a while, a long while, after that happened as well as another person who volunteered to help on my other project turned out to be a not very good person either. I know there are good people out there, I just need to find them.

Thing is I'm terrified to try again.

delladz 2023-10-20 18:34:01 UTC #2

First, I'm very sorry this happened to you. Trauma is a long and hard journey that many people experience in their own ways, and I can definitely see how it has impacted your art and the way you approach it. Healing takes so much time and I can only hope it gets easier for you as you regain the courage to live your life.

Second, collaboration, especially when it comes to projects that are near and dear to our hearts, can be very tricky. Artists of any caliber will have varying degrees of ego so finding that balance between potential partner and jerk who wants to control you can be difficult. My advice is to go slow and start with smaller projects so you get a better sense of your own collaboration style and to ease back into creation. Understandably, this project Phantom Specters means a lot to you and now has a boatload of drama attached. Time and therapy and wisdom will hopefully help you to be able to approach the project again, but you also shouldn't push yourself emotionally. So splitting the difference by working on something smaller and new might help you keep/improve your skills while easing you back into the community.

I'm a weird stranger on the internet, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I hope it resonates with you in a way that helps. If you came on to vent and not ask for advice, that's my bad and you can delete my comment lol but I truly hope that you can find peace and strength to do the things that you love without grief one day

BelleBriar 2023-10-20 18:35:48 UTC #3

I'm sorry to hear this and no one should ever have to go through anything like this. I hope you find the right people and that your passion for your projects overshadows your traumatic experiences(but I know this is easier said than done). It's incredibly difficult but I wish you the best! Sending positive vibes your way ~

TheYaoiEmpire 2023-10-20 18:40:01 UTC #4

I really appreciate it, your words help a lot. Tgank you. I feel gross just looking at it now and I want that feeling to go away. I've got some new things planned if I can actually focus enough to write them down.

TheYaoiEmpire 2023-10-20 18:40:35 UTC #5

Thank you!! I really hope so too

moontokkym 2023-10-20 19:16:59 UTC #6

Thank you for being brave and sharing your story and reaching out for help. I'm sorry you went through that terrible experience and I hope you're safe now and surrounded by better people .

As for collaboration, allow yourself to go slow. It'll take time to learn to trust again and it will never be trust in the same way it was before, and that's ok. Generally, people are ok, not brilliant, but not as awful as the person you had to deal with, so the likelyhood of you coming across someone like that again are slim, and you can work out some of the early warning signs from your previous experience to do your best to protect yourself.

It's also important to remember that though you are taking measures to protect yourself now, the onus of what was done and said to you is always entirely on the abuser. It is not your fault. A transphobic douche found you and targeted you because you were there, that was their choice.

As others have said, it could be a good idea to work on smaller projects for now while you heal. They can be tangentally related to PS, like a short side story for a character or a small scale prequel of sorts just to get a feel of the characters and scene, or if you're not ready for that yet, something that makes you happy that has no link to PS. If you feel up to it you could even try collaborating, again on a small scale, with an artist to try and feel a bit more relaxed for when you can work and collaborate on PS again.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself during the healing process. Whatever rhythm your healing takes is the right one for you, listen to your heart if it says it's not ready yet and don't be scared to take baby steps even if you feel you "should" be doing more. Baby steps add up. You can do this!

Katzalcoatl 2023-10-20 19:19:43 UTC #7

Here are my recomendations.
In order to get past that trauma you need to fully grasp that the internet is a giant gacha. In which you can get a good pull aka the perfect artist to work with or a really bad pull.

If anyone starts sexually harassing you, cut them off right there and there. Say something like "Thanks for all your work but I can't work with you. I hope the best for you in the future." You can be patient but there are certain limits that should not be passed.

Second, keep personal life and work life separate. Any relationship with your artist should be strictly professional. Unless they are close friends there is no reason to tell your artist anything about your personal beliefs or life. That is just a precaution against strangers on the internet.

A rule I always liked is to treat everyone with neutrality and act with neutrality on the internet. There are people who lie and say they are someone they are not. Thus why I always treat everyone like neither a man nor a woman nor a trans man nor a trans woman. I simply treat them as humans who may or may not be who they claim to be. I also act in the same fashion since it prevents many problems with harassment.

It will be hard to get past the trauma. But start with small steps allow yourself to trust others. Yes you may be hurt but do not reveal information that is not needed to make the drawing you need. If you start trusting the new artist more only then think of revealing a bit more information about yourself. But take it slowly regain that trust at your own pace.

P.S. I always recommend to commission artists and pay them. It lets the artist know you appreciate them but at the same time it draws a line of a client/customer in a way preventing harassment. Because if they harass you they don't get paid. I do understand you may not be able to afford one hence why this message is only a P.S..

TheYaoiEmpire 2023-10-20 19:38:58 UTC #8

I never revealed anything of importance, dude was mad I didn't wanna date him, told me he only joins places like this to look for a girlfriend and that my ideas and plots were garbage and that if I wanted good ideas I needed him, that was my breaking point. I dealt with everything else and got two shitty headshot sketches and a full body that was just some random thing unrelated to my project using the main protagonists face. It was all weird and creepy.

I pay my current team for my main project when I can, they understand my situation and things are off and on, but for other things I just want to get something, anything done, just to have something completed for once without having to choose between buying food and paying for more than 5 pages.

TheYaoiEmpire 2023-10-20 19:40:55 UTC #9

I'm definitely going to focus on the corps in the universe rather than the main characters for a while, when I get to that point. Might start a short vampire one shot or something.

Katzalcoatl 2023-10-20 20:15:47 UTC #10

It sounds like a very creepy and unique situation in which they did everything they can to hurt you just because you rejected them.

As a novel writer I understand we sometimes want to add or see certain images. But there are times we just have to make do with having no images except for our novel cover. Everything besides that is extra. And sometimes our cover has to be done at a much cheaper price or for free. Remember images are just the extra seasoning for novel writers (making a comic out of your novel is a different story). I don't think you need an artist for Phantom Specters unless you want to remake the cover or unless you want to make it a comic.

With that said I think you can continue to work solo and finish said story for yourself. That way you can give closure to a project that meant a lot to you. Still as a novelist you must remember that images are not needed when delivering a story. They are just the extra sauce that adds a little flavor.

RedLenai 2023-10-20 22:07:34 UTC #11

Well, it's a situation that just sucks.
I've had a similar situation several years ago back when I started, so after a whole decade as an artist working online, I think I can provide the following:

If you're scared, don't feel safe, don't trust what may be out there then there is no need to force yourself to actually go there again, engage again and risk yourself to another possible encounter like that (Revictimization is a thing, sadly.) There is nothing wrong with staying on your comfort zone for a bit longer or work slowly, or even alone. There is no actual obligation to get out there and find an artist to give life to your stories, especially if it's a novel.
You don't need to explain anything to anyone, nor clarify even, the moment you told them you were a trans guy you have already provided personal information about yourself to them to obsess and weaponize, as well, personal interests and preferences help out people to get ideas or assumptions, so you'll have to avoid those too. When you're working on a project or at least paying for them, try to avoid as much as possible providing any kind of information or letting the conversation go off-topic, I get it, some want to make friends especially for long term projects... but still, not everyone has good intentions. Lying is allowed if it is as a mean to protect yourself **
Do you really have a NEED for an artist? I get art helps writers to enhance their works and make them look more interesting, but you, alone, can still tell a story without said element. And maybe it would be best to focus on re-shaping your stories again, especially since all previous content has been lost, you can work on the Story now and make it solely yours again, remove traces of whatever this guy provided to it even.
If you consider that you need art, then my recommendation would be to save it and pay someone who is recommended by many, has a good rating score, is known for being professional and that'll keep things professional instead of having the conversation go sideways and off-topic. If you hire a service, the focus has to be the service, you or the other person don't need to know anything about the other except what is required to do the job (At least that's how I see it as an artist myself)
A lot of times, anything that sounds good and cheap, has many cons hidden beneath. I may be a very wary (Dense af) person that would search the 7th leg of the cat, but that's how you guarantee your safety against scammers, indecent clients and more. Before working with someone, investigate them. What they post in their socials, what is their circle like, do they like or engage with "jokes" or stuff that makes you raise an eyebrow? There is nothing wrong in trying to see a person in their habitat.
Healing from Trauma is a difficult path, because what you may require to start the engine again won't necessarily be attempting to work with another person again, exposition therapy is not always the sole answer, it'll be best to continue talking these issues be it in therapy, a counselor or at least address this with the Staff of the platform from where you found that person to at least increase and protect the security of other fellow members/users.

**I was first an underage artist, then a NSFW one. So a lot of times I lied about my age to get cash, then about being a girl to avoid lonely men coming at me, it worked for the majority of time, there are no rules about not grabbing some pics online and send them as Reverse Uno cards for when you receive unsolicited nudes or assumptions. Then of course, I was very dense about staying on topic or being extremely dry whenever it was about my personal life, and the second someone is disrespecting my boundaries, I either left them on read for a while or reminded them why we were communicating in the first place, and well, the second I just didn't feel like tolerating anything I simply used my tools, blocking, reporting. I always avoided extending my exposure as much as possible. So the moment someone starts disrespecting the fact that you are not interested in exchanging personal information, going off topic or simply not understanding you are not interested in relationships, that's when you block them before giving them even the chance to continue wasting more oxygen and electricity.

TheLemmaLlama 2023-10-21 05:06:35 UTC #12

wrt being hacked -- always have backups! Have at least two copies of your entire body of work at all times, and keep one on your personal harddrive or some other place no-one else has any knowledge of.

(I hope that wasn't the wrong thing for me to focus on consider the abuse and all; I just don't have anything to add on that matter that others haven't already said ^^; I'm really sorry that happened to you >.<)

NickRowler 2023-10-21 13:24:26 UTC #13

As someone who is also a transman, it does sort of suck that you can’t always be anonymous. It’s unfortunate that there is homophobia and transphobia among creators of BL/Yaoi. You might have to be frank when vetting offers and state “you have to be LGBTQ friendly”.

Tho if you feel too much negative association with your work, you could shelve it until you feel better. Maybe after a few years, you might feel like reposting it with assistants from a new artist. It is OK if you aren’t ready right now, you should give yourself time to heal. If working on a brand new project helps with that, so be it.

abigaillmartin 2023-10-21 13:27:04 UTC #14

That creep who did that to you was messed up and twisted and sick. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Ever!

thepenmonster 2023-10-21 14:20:04 UTC #15

Naming and shaming is acceptable.

RedLenai 2023-10-21 16:37:48 UTC #16

This is very important, having back ups or additional emails its always a good security meassure. Besides third identification methods such as a cellphone number, facial recognition, confirming a new device through an other one, or location log-ins.

It is always good to have 3 emails, at least from what I've seen:

Email A: For spam, be it for registering in a website, app, platform, pay stuff and such.
Email B: For business, I know its old fashioned but doing stuff via email is easier than using social media, not to mention for when High-Res stuff requires to be sent.
Email C: For payments, virtual wallets or storage of stuff. This one is private and you don't share it anyware, the other two can be used freely in public.

RedLenai 2023-10-21 16:57:43 UTC #17

Yep, I believe it would be great to take a few screenshots and expose this person, for the security of others, for wherever this guy is, staff or mods/admins can ban him as well.

Especially if he himself is admitting to offer free artwork with the intention of harassing women once he miserably failed in getting a girlfriend, which is also kinda stupid if he thinks he may get one on the internet where anyone can fake their identity, send fake pictures or pretend to be someone else, or even if he found someone genuine they could be from any place in the world where any girl could "cheat" on him with a IRL person those girls meet while touching grass, an activity I believe our creep doesn't do.

Don't know if he is desperately touch starved or a soon-to-be-scammed dude still unworthy of appearing in Catfish, even if the program ended several years ago. Still, it will be worthy contacting an admin/mod be it in private to kick him out if he is from here.

GodbreakerComic 2023-10-21 21:21:28 UTC #18

What an absolute incel loser.

Totally understand why you'd be reprehensive towards working with artists after experiencing that. I'd suggest maybe asking for references? Any artists they've collaborated with before that you could contact? You could also schedule a brief and informal chat with any potential artists just to get a beat on their personality (not on any personal account, of course).

It SUCKS that you have to go through this just to tell a story you're passionate about. It sucks even more that there are sub-human garbage piles out there who weaponize stuff like that against people.

TheYaoiEmpire 2023-10-23 16:23:14 UTC #19

I chose the five pages. I once stayed up 2 days before the time you die from no sleep writing the prequel novel for Fatal Moon. I passed out the moment I wrote, To Be Continued and I don't remember writing most of what I wrote when I went back to read it after I slept enough.

TheYaoiEmpire 2023-10-23 16:24:11 UTC #20

It really hurt my confidence for a long time