I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this. But I have a deep love for people in general, so you are at least loved by one person you have never met. You are not alone in your suffering, there are millions of us. That's what I meant ><
You know, to be fair, there is one thing she did for me...
So, I never considered myself an attractive person. I mean, my teeth were growing all over the place since childhood andat the age of 23 I started to loose hair. Well, I wore brackets for a year and changed the haircut, but it's not that my complex of inferiority went missing. Non the less, I was playing with the idea of me being somewhat attractive time after time, but quick look through the photos of me from most recent event, would usually made me depressed for no less than three days. Also I was noticing girls on streets or at the bar looking at me sometimes, but I always thought it's just was that something has stuck to my face, or I was making weird expressions while submerged im my thoughts. It sometimes was going to the extend when they were making some passes toward me. But I just thought they're kind of weird or something.
Anyways, at another day I was telling this all to Tatyana (the therapist), and she was like: "Man, what's wrong with you? I mean, have you seen yourself? You're quite allright".
So I thought: "Ok, she's trying to chear me up. It's her job after all" (I'm often getting quiet paranoid, when people saying good things to me). So I left with that though. But soon after I started too look a bit closely to the people, lloking at me at the street, and, yup, they're looking at me exactly in THAT way: mostly younger girls, sometimes, women of older age... sometimes guys. The weirdest was what it were those two girls, kind of my age, but only if you summ up their both ages. So I was passing by, when one of them them saw me and said to her frien: "Look, what a guy". And then they both were literally follwing me with their eyes untill I walked by, so they couldn't see me.
It can look like I'm bragging here right right now, and maybe I am, a little bit, but it all seams so ridiculous to me. I'm literally laughing, thinking of this. I'ts just so weird to me. I'm kind of attractive... what the fuck. I still blame my beard, that finaly looks like something like a beard and my grey hoodie, weraing which I look like a Jesus. I still look, like shit on photos. I'm just not getting it.
LOL, I had 34 teeth instead of 32, and they have grown as they want. At least, you was managed to allow yourself a brackets! I haven't them yet. Can't save enough money for them for a long time.
About attractiveness in general... hell, I don't know either.
I have grown up in a small provincial town. Most of inhabitans of this town were Slavic, and some were Korean. I had mixed nationality of slavic + some blood of dark-skinned north races, so I couldn't count as any of them.
When I was a kid, other kids have said that I'm very ugly and will never find a boyfriend. The most hate and disgust was induced by mine a bit darker tone of skin and unusual face features, cause, for some reason, most of kids in that town have thought that only white-skinned people may look good. My misshapen teeth and my cheap clothes, inherited from relatives, as well as weird behavior (of course), have induced their mocking, too. They have shown their disgust for me in all possible ways, so I've started to believe myself that I'm exremely ugly and cause disgust to people.
Though, then I've moved to the capital, where more different nationalities are represented, so people here are less aggressive to not-quite-slavic appearance. Also to this point my family have already afforded themselves to buy normal clothes to me, and I myself learned to take care about my appearance better (as well as behave less weird, so people become less irritated by it). And surprisingly many people have started to tell me that I look good. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Well, the lesson which I've learned from that is that estimation of person's appearance is noticeable subjective... it is closely interlease with:
- prevailing national composition, which people around are used to see;
- the behavior and manners of the estimated person;
- the tastes of particular persons, who give an estimation. These tastes may differ a lot;
- current fashion and beauty standards in the particular society, which, of course, tend to change.
It's all about bein loved after all, and the way it is is that we love against everything, not for something in particular. It's what holds the whole peoplekind together afterall. I'm quiet drun right now. I've have inherited quiet pour sense of tact from my tather, so I'm sorry if I sound like an ashole, but there's a documentary called Children of Darkness (you can find it on youtube), and there's a guy, and he's not allright, burt there's a girl, who says: "He's fucking allright to me". That's the girl, everyone should have. Unless you don't want to... Or a guy...
Got an appointment finally. It doesn't mean that I will get therapy right away, but it is a first step which in it of itself is a relief somewhat.
9 days later
My father always said that life is a constant fight, you have to keep fighting always. dont give up even defeated, rise up and hit that btch called life , let her know your not someone to stomp around as she likes. Never give up and always strike harder!!
2 months later
Do you mean reply posts or topic posts?
For reply posts, you can press the 3 dots next to reply and click on the trash can. If you don't see it, then you could flag it and ask the mods to remove it.
For topic posts, you have to flag it and ask the mods to remove it. If you want to see it gone faster, you can ask more people to flag it which would activate some auto hide feature or something.
Ok, it's time to accept the fact that I'm too bad both at drawing and writing to be even parody to comic artist. It has been lasting too long, I should be understand this at this winter, but I'm too slow for such things.
Almost everyone is better than me. But I didn't thought that I'm too bad, but I am. Ok, just another fail in my idiotic life. Why is everything so bad both here and IRL. I'm really curious why? I didn't made bad things to people around me, but bad things and fails happening with me. It's unfair. Yeah, I'm too shy to be noticed, but I'm always trying to be nice (at least I think I am).
Some said it's wrong to be nice, then I'm tried to be rough, it didn't worked. Because I don't have any charismatic traits and when I'm rough I'm not "cool guy", but just a scum. I don't care (it's a lie) anyway, at least it just sometimes fun to be an asshole. But ok, this was about IRL situation.
I'm considering to stop all my "artisting" activities in public, nobody will notice this anyway. I just not decided to how end this. I don't understand why I even tried, it was obvious thing that I'm very bad at drawing (I was drunk as hell at 04:00, that's how it's started) and nobody needs my "art". Prove me wrong, ha (You won't, I'm sure about it for 95%, you won't even try, I'm sure about it for 75%).
And maybe it's just I feel lonely and want attention. Ok, that's true, I'm lonely and want attention. It's weak, of course, to say this in public. But I'm tired to pretend that I'm strong and don't need attention and care, especially when I'm not strong and need that.
And not, I'm not drunk right now, I didn't drink for almost a week. But I probably should.
I don't know why I wrote all this wall of text. I'm sure about for 80% that nobody will even reply to this (because I'm boring and dull person, and so what?). Just like I need this, I don't need (it's a lie, I need).
I will feel sorry for this whining tomorrow, I know. But I wouldn't delete this. I'm tried to hide my emotions. I'm in the internet, nobody from RL wouldn't see this. At least here I can afford myself to be honest.
I heard this song like years ago and I think it helps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH476CxJxfg
Just in case this helps someone, I started using an app yesterday called Woebot. It's a robot (duh) that uses a text messaging format to check in with how you feel and helps you explore both the positive and negative emotions. It tracks how you're feeling so you can see trends.
I'm on day 2 with it and honestly, it's not terrible. It's actually really helpful. It's not a replacement for actual humans, but for someone like me that just needs help diffusing negative thoughts or needs help identifying why I'm feeling a certain way (and potentially change that thinking), it's helpful. When you check in each day with how you're doing, it'll ask you to expand on that. For example, I said I was happy today, so it replied with "So would you mind reflecting on what has you feeling this way?" You get to answer, but the answers are kept private, which is nice. It forces you to identify emotions and find the root.
Just wanted to put this here in case someone else would find it helpful.
Life is unfair by its nature. All what we can do is just to learn how to live in this world as it is.
It's normal to feel bad from time to time.
Nevertheless, don't forget that when people feel bad, they lose part of objectivity. In such a state, we tend to overreact to fails, to say too radical things and forget about good things, which is not objective and not productive. I can't condemn it, because I do it a lot, too. But I try to remind myself, that I'm not objective when I'm in bad mood, and so to don't make too far conclusions in this state. And I've noticed too much radicalism in your post, too.
For example:
There are 20 readers in your comics. It's a small number, but it's more than zero, so "nobody" is not the right word.
What I would also like to ask, what is "good art" for you? And what the "success" means to you? Can you give an examples of it?
It is. And I even know how to live to be a succesful person. I just don't want to be impudent and rude person, who ready to betray, lie whatever else to achieve the goals. That's stupid thing to say in modern capitalistic society, like one in Russia now, but I have an ideals, I'm an idealist and that is great weakness.
It's 19, one is me. Ok, now I'm more calm and you're right and nobody is wrong word. But I'm doing this for almost a year and it's just 19. I don't saying that I deserve thousands or hundreds readers (i don't). But 50-60 subs and about 8-10 active readers would be great. This is what I would call a success for almost an year long run.
About good art, I don't know that much about it. I'm really don't know antything related to arts, I wasn't accepted to art society back in the school with small time scandal and that was my first and last attempt to make art in public IRL.
I like mine while it's uncolored (ok, maybe by objective standarts it's still bad, but presonally I like it), but I can't into b/w shading, so it's not an option. And hell, I did more than 60 episodes and then just switch to completely different style where I need to learn far more than in current, that would be silly.
11 days later
I just need to vent this out, and I figured this would be the best place to do it. Sorry if this is not the right thread.
I struggle with heavy PTSD, post-traumatic depression, anxiety and mood disorders, and social anxiety. I have been through so many traumatic experiences in my (relatively) short life that I can't remember all of them. And that is a problem.
Not remembering consciously doesn't mean that your subconscious has forgotten. The memories are still there, only blocked out. But in order to process and deal with it, you need to remember... Traumatic amnesia is the worst thing.
I lost a friend a few months ago to the same illnesses that I have. I tried to be there for her as much as I could, spent more than 2 weeks at her place, called and texted her regularly, talked with a common friend about her health and current state. I guided her through all the techniques that I could think of to relax and deal with the traumas as smoothly and painlessly as possible. I told her bedtime stories, sang her lullabies, held her hand while she was falling asleep.
I gave her all the love and attention that I could, knowing full well that it was also breaking me in the process. But she deserved it. And it wasn't enough.
And now I'm dealing with my own issues, and the grief of her loss on top of it.
I know what she was going through, because I am going through the same thing. The same kind of traumatic experiences, the same illnesses, the same thoughts about body and humanity, everything. And I feel guilty that I am alive and doing slightly better, and she has lost the battle and died.
As you know, I've lost the similar battle, and can understand that feeling, at least, partially.
But I have very different point of view on all these things than you, and different mechanisms for getting through it, so I'll better keep my thoughts about the subject to myself.
I have noticed in the few months that we have been interacting together that you seem to suffer a little bit less, and I wanted to let you know that it makes me really happy.
I always welcome your input, even if I don't always agree with it, and sometimes it takes me a few tries before I can process your words. If you have any advice, I'm willing to listen, anything to help me out of this guilt and pain spiral is welcome
Ok, I'll say what I think, but I have no idea, will it help you or will it make things even worse.
So read on your own discretion.
1.
When my depressed friend commited suicide (and I, obviously, didn't), I felt like it's unfair, too. I felt guilty that I made through this, and he didn't. I felt that it's horrible that I dare to live, when he doesn't live anymore.
What I feel now, after four years (or so)? I still feel it's horrible. Yes, it's very sad and unfair that people we loved die, and we continue to live without them. But it's how this world functions. If you don't want to go away with them, but want to continue living, you have no choice besides let them go and find new reasons to live, even if you feel that it's unfair. It's ok. World IS unfair as a matter of principle. All I can suggest, is accept it and live with it, even if it's unfair.
2.
If you feel what I felt, maybe you imagine in your head, how different everything would be, if you would behave even more better with the person you lose. How would it be, if you could give them even more warmth and support. How it would be, if you suggested help even more persistently. How it would be, if you would pick even more right words. How it would be, if you could look at the bottom of their soul and make the most possible effective appeal to their heart, which would make them change their decision.
Probably, you (and me) really could behave better and could make more for them. Or probably we couldn't. You will never know exactly. And even if you DIDN'T do ALL what you could, it's ok. Nobody is perfect, nobody can give perfect empathy and pick ideal words. You are not God, you are just human. Don't take a responsibility of God on yourself! You've tried to help, but you couldn't do it ideally and couldn't guarantee success because you are just a human, you are not ideal and you can't know how to behave ideally in one situation or another. So I'd suggest to just absolve yourselves of this responsibility.
3.
This is probably the most controversial point, which I will make... but still.
She have done what she thought will be better for her. She made her own choice about how and when to end her life. And she had perfect right for it. I think that everyone should have a right to take their own life and death into their own hands.
Of course, you can say, that her conscious and mindset were skewed by the depression, and she could be very wrong, and make a big mistake. And this is true. Probably it was a mistake. But what if it wasn't? What if it really was the best for her? Of course, her had cognitive bias, caused by depression, which skewed her way of thinking. But who is free from cognitive bias? Nobody. People always make their choices with emotions, which aren't always right, in the condition of incomplete information, and in the condition of skewed worldview - in one way or another. But, nevertheless, they do what they think is the best option, in one way or another.
She had her own will, and it was HER and only HER CHOICE, right or wrong.
You can't make choice for other people. You can just try to help them to make a right choice (or what YOU think is a right choice!), but their final decision is their own decision. If they don't want to be saved... it is their choice. It' their right to not being saved, if they don't want it.
In this case, just let them go, no matter how sad is it.
P.S. I remember your post about the unhappy pregnant rat from the pet shop. How you said that "no creature deserves to live in such a bad conditions, in which that rat lived".
Long time ago, I tried to save every creature I've seen, too. But now I think: it doesn't worth it. Moreover, it's impossible.
You've saved one pregnant rat, but millions other pregnant rats are still suffering and dying. And not you, not me, not anybody can save all rats, or all people. There will always be cruelty and unhappiness in the world. I don't try to say that it was bad thing to save that rat or something; if it made you feel better, then it was good for you. What seems very problematic to me, is your justifications of this action.
You can't give everyone what they deserve! You are not messiah, you will never be able to save everyone. You can try to help, you can suggest help to distinct people of creatures, but you will never save everyone, you will never make the world ideal. You do not have the power to do it, and it's not your responsibility.
So, my way to deal with it is - throw away the White Knight's armor, throw away the messiah clothes and accept that:
- World is not fair and will never be fair;
- You will never be able to act ideally;
- You will never know for sure, what is better for other people;
- Choices of other people are their own choices, and you can't do them for them;
- You will never be able to save everyone.
I'm sorry if something from it made you feel worse, or if it was unpleasant to hear preaching of the person, who is younger than you. But if at least something from it will turned out to be useful to you, probably I didn't waste my time on this post in vain.
I just recently went through a wave of major depression. Like, last week I almost jumped in front of a train. I've been dealing with this sort of thing most of my life. I was about 8 when I started having suicidal thoughts.
They say have a support system and talk to people, but fuck that. People are capricious and it's not guaranteed you have good people in your life. Don't let flaky people be the reason you live or die.
Here's what I find works to manage it for yourself when you don't have friends or a reliable support system:
- realize it's temporary and treat it like a cold. It's a brain cold and it's painful and it sucks, but it's a cold. You'll get better eventually, but you have to take care of yourself and be gentle.
-set goals and accomplish them. Even if the goal is to throw out the pile of tissues on your bedside table, that's a thing you accomplished. Your brain will want to diminish the accomplishment, dont let it.
-give the depressed voice in your head a stupid name. Mine is Gunther. Remind yourself whenever it talks that it's just Gunther, and Gunther is an asshole. Don't listen to Gunther, he is not you and he is not a reliable source of information.
-focus on something else for a bit. Depression can be a lot like narcissism, but in a shitty hurtful way. Just stop focusing on yourself for a while to break the cycle. Video games help some people. Others like to focus on others. Maybe volunteer or something. Watch cat videos. Just literally anything that lets you focus on something external and stop thinking about yourself.
-eat right and exercise. Gut health is directly linked to depression so eating McDonalds will only make it worse. Exercise is just good for you anyway but it also gives you something else to focus on and releases endorphins. And then if you're a healthy awesome person it helps with self esteem and confidence and helps pretty much everything. It doesn't have to be crossfit or something ridiculous, literally just go walk around for a bit.