Same. I agree that there's nothing wrong with having violent fantasies, but they shouldn't be portrayed in-universe as normal and loving.
Seriously, I don't understand how these stories can be so twisted into toxic versions of heterosexual relationships that something solely about gay men can manage to be homophobic and misogynist at the same time.
I think maybe you're right about women making these because they want to fantasize about violent, controlling relationships, but with a level of distance between the reader and the character by making him a different gender.
There was a tumblr blog I used to follow dedicated to ranting about this kind of thing. Unfortunately it was killed in the purge, but luckily some of her stuff still survives on.. um.. Vimeo?