Jul 2023
18 / 25
Jul 2023
Aug 2023
Five
Jul '23

I already read through your story, and here’s my feedback.

Beautifully written... the dreamy poetry at the beginning of the chapters helped draw me into the story, it was very captivating. The dialogues are well written and enjoyable, I’m sure anyone would love it.

The only issue I have is the lack of scenery descriptions; there’s not much of it, and I was unable to get a feel of how their surroundings looked like, but all in all, the first 2 chapters were written beautifully. Thumbs up!!!

azurecpensmith
Jul '23

Thank you for the feedback, because of timezone difference, I was sleeping and only saw this now. I will return the feedback today

azurecpensmith
Jul '23
Five

Episode 7:

"thought of misery"-->Misery should be enough imo
I really liked the interaction between Zephyr and Thaddeus, you captured the feelings really well.

Episode 8:

The first sentence is too long, I would recommend breaking it up a bit so it's easier to read.
"where's my breakfast, I'm famished."--> "Where is my breakfast? I'm famished."
Damon is as vulgar as ever. Good to know Lord Varyn agrees at least.

Episode 9:

They have red mist in a brothel of all places? :eyes: I thought it was rare? Was Flynn lying :thinking:
It's curious that Audrey is disgusted by the chaos in the city but willingly enters a brothel.

All in all, I don't have much else to remark. The language used fits the story and the plot and characters are engaging. I think I said this to you before, too but it reminds me of Game of Thrones somehow. Thank you for trusting me with your story and I hope this helps ^^

Five
Jul '23

Hi... thank you for your feedback, I hope you enjoyed it. It’s not the wine that’s rare, it’s the poison, the wine’s the most expensive wine.

maddu
Jul '23

I am interested but also worried what I’m working on isn’t appropriate. Maybe if no one else takes the slots and you’re not worried about stuff from the mature section, reach out and I’ll give more info.

I read a bit of yours and am intrigued so far, though it did trigger a mostly unrelated and horrifying thought about eggs hatching I’ve never considered before. I’ll probably finish it tomorrow when I’m not super sleepy. :sweat_smile: Stopped at Ban’s name for now (not reciprocation pressure, I actually found it interesting, and having someone read my writing who genuinely isn’t interested makes me really uncomfortable).

azurecpensmith
Jul '23

It's fine, I'm not a minor ^^ As for interest, I'm only reading three episodes--that's not too much of a commitment and it helps me to give feedback, too. Please leave a link to your story if that's fine with you.

maddu
Jul '23

Okie https://tapas.io/series/serafin2
Just the first 3 episodes is fine of course, but for informational purposes, the first 5 are chapter 1. Just in case it feels weird having ended in the middle of something lol.
Now I must sleep, nearly 4am :sob:

maddu
Jul '23

Of reviewing yours? Yep, commented on ep 2 itself.

azurecpensmith
Jul '23

Okay, wanted to make sure. I just started on yours, it should be done in a few hours at most ^^

azurecpensmith
Jul '23
maddu

Episode 1:

NSFW

I can see she's starting to awaken but it feels a bit too much like something usual to her. Emphasizing a bit more that something is changing could help. Maybe you could start with her waking up horny and starting the blowjob almost involuntarily? :thinking: You could add something about how the ejaculation is tasty(?) while still gross if that's how she feeds as a succubus.

--"as bosses went" could be "as far as bosses went"

--You could add the process of her ordering the pizza and being disappointed once it's in front of her. Maybe the smell of food doesn't feel appetizing but she hopes she will change her mind, only to get disappointed with the pizza in front of her.

NSFW

against her insides--I think you meant around her finger/s? :thinking:

A few moments later, she came-- you don't need to specify that she came. Just mentioning the sensations should be enough

Episode 2:

Overestimation--overstimulation, maybe?

Episode 3:

he thought with awe--he thought in awe

I'm curious about Violet's parents. Does she have anyone to consult about the changes she's going through? In any case, I think you write well, though you're playing with fire on how mature a story can get on Tapas. Your swriting is really good, as I said. I might recommend publishing the story as a book once it's finished and polished so that you don't have to worry about it getting taken down. Thank you for trusting me with your story and I hope this helps ^^

maddu
Jul '23

Thank you so much for the feedback! This is great.

NSFW opening

I think at this point it's not meant to be that unusual, other than unusually frequent the last few days. It's mainly about the ending being unexpected. Also, I'm breaking the succubus mold, the ejaculate is irrelevant :yum: (both because I find it more interesting and I want to include more genders). But yeah, basically the only thing that's supposed to be super weird at this point is that first shared sensation.

-- Thanks for catching the typos! (out of curiosity, is "as bosses went" wrong or just sound funny?)

-- This is a good point, though I think I want to highlight a slightly different detail. I'll probably make a few small adjustments to the pizza paragraph :slight_smile:

NSFW

I was picturing like a slight squeeze/tug motion, adding pressure inside/forward/up with her middle two fingers. Maybe there's a better way to say this.. hmm

Noted

Ah yes, ty

nods

Family/support: ep 4-7 are more support focused. The short answer for family is no, her family is very conservative. I have a couple sub plots planned around that, getting into the first one in chapter 7 or 8 (still in progress)

Yeah.. especially this first bit. Actually, of the first 6 or 7 episodes, I think all the actual sex is in 1, 2, and 3. :sweat_smile: Afaict it just needs to be an actual story, so hopefully it's fine.

Thanks again for reviewing!

maddu
Jul '23
azurecpensmith

(Also I have no idea about publishing, I've never written anything before. Maybe I'll look into it though when I feel like a "book 1" is closer to completion.. My impression was it would probably be too explicit for any of that.)

azurecpensmith
Jul '23

I'm opening this back up and removing the commission option, since nobody seems interested in that :hugging:

1 month later