Feedback needed for newbie writer

[BaguetteAndWine]

Hello everyone!

I'm starting out my journey as a writer and I'd love some feedback/constructive criticism over my novel.
My wife said she liked it but she is definively biased! That's why I'm looking for strangers honest opinions.

The story follows a female physicist isekaied to a fantasy world as a young vampire. She start not so great as she is thrown into a cursed forest and is forced to survive and find a way out. She does have a system but it's not really overpowered. (for now)

I know I went for overused genres such as isekai and litRPG but I enjoy those kind of stories and felt most at ease trying my hand at them!

I started writing this on a whim but grew passionate over time. I have a few concerns:

• Is the writing style ok? Is it too heavy? Is there any major or minor mistakes?
• What can I do to improve the style and story?
• As I write my story in french, i'm using AI (don't hit me please) for translation and I double check to the best of my abilities. I'm worried that my story might not come out as wanted. I know that french translated to english might sound heavy/pompeous/over the top.
• Is there anyone with experience with writing gaming systems? I find it harder than expected to manage and would love some tip & tricks
• Does it sucks? The big question.

The Crimson Chronicles

I appreciate any critics that you guys might throw at me.

Cheers and thanks for your time!

[Maki-08]

Thoughts as I was reading chapter 1:

• I would not explicitly reveal that Alice was hit by a car (1). The reveal, especially so early into the story, makes the event feel fake and inconsequential. She was hit by a car and lost consciousness/died. This event should have some impact on her psychology. I would drop subtle hints as the story progresses. Set up the reveal and foreshadow its coming through a variety of narrative devices, such as irony (non-verbal and/or verbal), symbolism, metaphors, dialogue, etc. This will make the event a more important and impactful aspect of Alice’s character. The reveal will also be more satisfying for the reader.

• The fight sequence was cool but felt forced (1). Considering that Alice’s mother was pleading for her daughter’s life, I found her decision to fight off the soldiers inconsistent with her character. I’m sure she’s powerful, but as a mother, wouldn’t she be more concerned about getting her daughter as far away from the fighting as possible? The emperor falsely accused all vampires of treason and seeks to annihilate them. Given that, would she trust someone else to ensure her daughter’s safety?

• The consequence of the fight sequence was unsatisfying. Alice is chased by soldiers for reasons she cannot fully comprehend, and she witnessed supernatural beings getting murdered by mortals, yet she doesn’t have a strong psychological response to these events. Even if she initially believed she was dreaming, the fact that she could feel warmth and a kiss would have been enough to tell her that she is not dreaming. That she has a physical body. That realization, I believe, would have been so powerful that not even being shown that she’s in a game would have been enough to nullify the psychological impact of witnessing murder.

• The captain choosing to toss Alice down a cliff was out of character. Even if he believed that she would die in the forest, he seemed too focused on his goal of annihilating vampires to leave anything to chance.

• Where did the cliff come from? It seems like a conveniently placed geological feature to ensure Alice’s survival. More set up is needed leading to Alice being thrown over the cliff. Spend more time describing the setting. What does Alice see, hear, and smell that hints at the existence of a cliff?

• Some sections of the dialogue sound unnatural. It lacks the economy and subtext found in natural-sounding speech. Keep the characters’ personality, background, psychological state, and relationship dynamic in mind when constructing dialogue. In a high-tension, fast-paced chase would the soldiers chasing Alice’s family speak in full sentences? Would Alice say “Where. . . am I?” when she is confused and bewildered by “surviving” being hit by a car and waking up in an unfamiliar place having expected to be at a hospital? Would parents pleading for their child’s life while they are being chased speak in long, complete sentences.

• Some sections of the writing are wordy. For instance, “Hair as pale as snow fell in silky strands over her cheeks” (1). Consider changing the sentence to something like: “Silky snow-pale hair fell over her cheeks.” Convey the same information with fewer words to create a smoother reading experience. Focus on consciousness and clarity; and flesh out the ideas that are already on the page. Related nit pick: “murdering the empress” can be shortened to “impericide” or simply “high treason.”

• The section where Alice describes her appearance feels a bit forced. I think this is because you mention the character’s ages. People don’t use age to describe themselves. I would focus on describe the features themselves without the aid of a specific age to create a more vivid image of the characters. Limit specific mentions of age to moments when a character’s age is unclear or when there is a disconnect between a character’s age and appearance. For example: The woman looked as if she could be fifteen or fifty.

• Too many paragraph breaks. There are paragraphs that you can group together to make the delivery and evolution of ideas clearer. If the time, place, topic, or person doesn’t change then don’t start a new paragraph. This will make it easier for the reader to follow the progression of a scene, especially one with dialogue between multiple characters.

• Avoid using dialogue tags unless necessary. For instance, “Defensive formation, Kael! she shouted” (1). The audience is already told that Alice’s mother shouted. That’s what exclamation marks are for. Try to reserve dialogue tag for instances when you want to remind the reader who’s speaking or when there is a disconnect between what a character says and how they deliver the line. For example: “Your money or your life,” his wife teased.

• Dialogue should be in quotations. Double quotation marks for American English. Single quotation marks for British English.

• I would cut some dialogue, such as: “Where. . . am I?” and “Magic?!” (1). They feels forced, as they were only included to progress plot or to tell the audience that magic exists. Similarly, lines such as “Defensive formation, Kael,” sound equally as unnatural, as if the line was placed in the story to remind the reader that they are in a middle of a fight sequence. I would also cut names from dialogue unless it is unclear who the characters are speaking to. Alice’s mother isn’t going to say: “Defensive formation, captain.” It should be implied that Alice is speaking to Kael. Including “Kael” makes the dialogue clunky and unnatural-sounding.

• I would cut also cut lines like: “What did she mean?” (1). The previous sentence (“My darling?”) is more than sufficient to convey Alice’s confusion, especially if you follow-up with a expression. Body language and facial expression can convey more information than dialogue.

• Suggestion: “Her body felt strange. Numb. . .” (1)

• Suggestion: “She expected the sterile smell of a hospital [[and]] the steady beeping of a heart monitor” (1). I would change the comma into “and” to make the sentence clearer since the clauses form a list. Question: Do you mean “pulse oximeter”? Since she was a physicist, she should be using more medical and scientific jargon, especially in narration and internal monologue.

[BaguetteAndWine]

Wow thanks for this long feedback. Did not expect an answer after 3d!
There are quite a lot advices where I've got ideas on how to correct my text (in no particular order):

Too many paragraph breaks. There are paragraphs that you can group together to make the delivery and evolution of ideas clearer. If the time, place, topic, or person doesn’t change then don’t start a new paragraph. This will make it easier for the reader to follow the progression of a scene, especially one with dialogue between multiple characters.

Yeah, this stems from me trying not to make my text too blocky/unreadable but I get what you mean. Easy fix, will work on it.

Dialogue should be in quotations. Double quotation marks for American English. Single quotation marks for British English.

Same, easy fix.

Some sections of the writing are wordy. For instance, “Hair as pale as snow fell in silky strands over her cheeks” (1). Consider changing the sentence to something like: “Silky snow-pale hair fell over her cheeks.” Convey the same information with fewer words to create a smoother reading experience. Focus on consciousness and clarity; and flesh out the ideas that are already on the page. Related nit pick: “murdering the empress” can be shortened to “impericide” or simply “high treason.”

Roger, making simpler sentances for clarity.

The section where Alice describes her appearance feels a bit forced. I think this is because you mention the character’s ages. People don’t use age to describe themselves. I would focus on describe the features themselves without the aid of a specific age to create a more vivid image of the characters. Limit specific mentions of age to moments when a character’s age is unclear or when there is a disconnect between a character’s age and appearance. For example: The woman looked as if she could be fifteen or fifty.

I still wish to mention her age as there will be quite a few ellipses and I want the readers to have a starting point for her age. How about I make her mother say it instead? When she pleads for Alice life she can say "She is just six!" instead of "She is just a child!"

I would cut some dialogue, such as: “Where. . . am I?” and “Magic?!” (1). They feels forced, as they were only included to progress plot or to tell the audience that magic exists. Similarly, lines such as “Defensive formation, Kael,” sound equally as unnatural, as if the line was placed in the story to remind the reader that they are in a middle of a fight sequence. I would also cut names from dialogue unless it is unclear who the characters are speaking to. Alice’s mother isn’t going to say: “Defensive formation, captain.” It should be implied that Alice is speaking to Kael. Including “Kael” makes the dialogue clunky and unnatural-sounding.

While I agree with the defensive formation part (I think i can switch to gestures/understanding looks betweens the parents to make it more implicit), I believe the internal reflexions from Alice are not too unatural and i'm not overly using self-thoughs. If I was thrown into an unkown world I would definively ask myself what was going on/where am I? Same for the magic part.

The fight sequence was cool but felt forced (1). Considering that Alice’s mother was pleading for her daughter’s life, I found her decision to fight off the soldiers inconsistent with her character. I’m sure she’s powerful, but as a mother, wouldn’t she be more concerned about getting her daughter as far away from the fighting as possible? The emperor falsely accused all vampires of treason and seeks to annihilate them. Given that, would she trust someone else to ensure her daughter’s safety?

I though that part was clear. They were running away but got caught by the soldiers and are surrounded so they can't escape anymore. That's why the mother is pleading for her daughter's life and the father is trying to talk themselves out of this.

The consequence of the fight sequence was unsatisfying. Alice is chased by soldiers for reasons she cannot fully comprehend, and she witnessed supernatural beings getting murdered by mortals, yet she doesn’t have a strong psychological response to these events. Even if she initially believed she was dreaming, the fact that she could feel warmth and a kiss would have been enough to tell her that she is not dreaming. That she has a physical body. That realization, I believe, would have been so powerful that not even being shown that she’s in a game would have been enough to nullify the psychological impact of witnessing murder.

I'll try to depict her more shocked. A small paragraph describing her having nausea/vertigo + having a blank mind or thinking how she had never witnessed such horrible scene before. Perhaps she would be frozen from the shock and that's why she did'nt run away when her mother told her to. (+ she is also surrounded so...)

The captain choosing to toss Alice down a cliff was out of character. Even if he believed that she would die in the forest, he seemed too focused on his goal of annihilating vampires to leave anything to chance.

Now that you have said it, it seems obvious! When I wrote this, I though that when he said that the cursed forest (if not the fall) would take care of her was making it obvious that tossing her WAS a death sentence. But I see where you're coming from. But I still need for her to survive by being thrown in there. How about I change the story just a bit? The captain wants to kill her right here and right now but the soldier Lucas (who took pity on her) somehow manages to convince him that they shouldn't stain anymore their hands and that there is no way for her to survive if they toss her over the cliff. Or maybe she jumps in by herself as the other solution is waiting to be slain?

Where did the cliff come from? It seems like a conveniently placed geological feature to ensure Alice’s survival. More set up is needed leading to Alice being thrown over the cliff. Spend more time describing the setting. What does Alice see, hear, and smell that hints at the existence of a cliff?

I'll improve on that. They are at night so she can't see much but I can definitively add that she sees a cliff behind her at the begining.

Some sections of the dialogue sound unnatural. It lacks the economy and subtext found in natural-sounding speech. Keep the characters’ personality, background, psychological state, and relationship dynamic in mind when constructing dialogue. In a high-tension, fast-paced chase would the soldiers chasing Alice’s family speak in full sentences? Would Alice say “Where. . . am I?” when she is confused and bewildered by “surviving” being hit by a car and waking up in an unfamiliar place having expected to be at a hospital? Would parents pleading for their child’s life while they are being chased speak in long, complete sentences.

I though I did a good job there. The father is shown arrogant & fiece. The mother is shown caring for her daughter and a bit affraid but also fierce and not affraid to fight. The captain is arrogant, corrupted and the soldiers unsure if what they are doing is the right thing. I'll try to rework a bit on this.

I would not explicitly reveal that Alice was hit by a car (1). The reveal, especially so early into the story, makes the event feel fake and inconsequential. She was hit by a car and lost consciousness/died. This event should have some impact on her psychology. I would drop subtle hints as the story progresses. Set up the reveal and foreshadow its coming through a variety of narrative devices, such as irony (non-verbal and/or verbal), symbolism, metaphors, dialogue, etc. This will make the event a more important and impactful aspect of Alice’s character. The reveal will also be more satisfying for the reader.

This is the part I have the most issues with as I would have to rework too much the following chapters (I am up to chapter 14). Plus I don't think it is that much of an issue as I am developping this on chapter 3. I'm gonna leave it at that and treat it as a rookie mistake.

Again huge thanks for you help. I'll try to work on what you discussed when I've got time.

[Maki-08]

This is the first time I’ve seen such a long response to a review. Engagement is good. I like it.

In response to some of your comments, I have some ideas if you want to hear them:

First. The issue about mentioning Alice’s age. I don’t think that changing when her age is mentioned is necessarily going to fix the problem. Keeping Alice’s mother’s dialogue short and simple is what makes it powerful. Mentioning her age would soften her desperation while making it seem as if you included the Alice’s age into the dialogue just to tell the reader that she’s six. Why don’t you consider changing the chapter’s title to the date? Or including the date as a heading? This way it conveys to the reader how deeply important the event is to Alice’s character while being able to tell the reader her age through a more organic, though indirect method. For instance, if you decide to mention that Alice is sixteen in chapter 20, the reader will be able to determine that she was six in chapter one perhaps because you mention the year or how many years it has been since the event in the first chapter.

Second. Regarding the difficulty you have with placing Alice in the forest so she can escape, why don’t you consider changing the location of the mother’s death to the forest. It would seem more organic and emotionally charged is Alice’s parents decided that their daughter would have a higher chance of survival if Kael stayed behind to slow down the soldiers while her mother carries her to the forest, believing that the soldiers won’t follow them there. You can also explore the mother’s desperation by showing the audience how desperate she would need to be to run into a cursed forest with her daughter, thinking that they would have a better chance at survival there then if they faced mortal soldiers. This could also be a good opportunity to do some world building regarding how humans are so confident they can annihilate vampires with magical abilities.

You can easily show the father’s arrogance through his conversation with Alice’s mother, her uncertainty regarding his ability to fend off the soldiers, and the aftermath of his decision. Perhaps, the captain brings Kael’s head with him when he searches for Alice and her mother. Kael is accused of high treason after all. Bringing his head to the emperor would have been expected (unless vampires turn to dust in your world) and showing it to Alice and her mother would be a bonus. Also, not showing the fight scene would increase the tension, especially if you focus on things like sound or a distant flash caused by the father’s magic.

Giving Alice’s parents a moment to discus their next course of action as the soldiers approach at the beginning of the chapter would also slow down the opening and provide the necessary space to build tension more gradually and to set up the chapter’s main confrontation between Alice and the captain.

Lucky writing.

[BaguetteAndWine]

Well you took your time to give such a long feedback when I didn't have any reply. I consider it normal to answer in details.

Now, regarding the chapter 1. First, I should mention that I added what we discussed previously but now I've got to move on to the next chapters and not stick to chapter 1 however imperfect it is. (I've put on hold the writing of chapter 15 for far too long and still need to make some minors ajustments on previous chapters + translation).

It doesn't mean that I can't answer your great ideas!

About Alice age. I believe making her mother say Alice's age is my best option. It is more fluid compared to the first version. Also it doesn't increase the lengh of her dialogue as I go from "Take our lives, but spare our daughter. She’s just a child!" to "Take our lives, but spare our daughter. She’s only six!". And changing the chapter's title to a date would in my mind add unnecessary complexity.

About keeping her mother alive for the jump. That's a great idea, unfortunately I can't have her alive as it would not fit with the story I wish to tell. Her parents are kind of trow away characters (not that they are not important but I can't let them live). I don't know if you have read the remaining chapters but they are about Alice struggling to survive alone, only when she meet someone does her situation gets better. Being accompanied by her mother would defeat the sense of dread/hardship she (and hopefully the reader) face at the beginning.

Again feel free to submit feedbacks in the futur chapters. I'll never feel offended or ignore critics about my writing as I know i'm just a beginner.

Cheers