Feedback on a page

[punkarsenic]

The last page I made is really ticking me off - I was in a real flow recently, but forced this one out and no matter how much I touch it up, it's still nagging at me. I need outsider eyes on it.

does anything jump out at anyone as wrong?

[isabelleArne]

hum ... at first glance I don't really see anything ... your characters seems on model, your lighting is consistent, the close up shot makes me thing it's kind of a secret/private talk(I might be wrong but it's the feeling I get) .. nothing is bothering me really .

[punkarsenic]

okay, cool. its probably just me getting obsessive then. thank you

[isabelleArne]

okay, cool. its probably just me getting obsessive then. thank you

not it's ok, it happens when you spend a lot of time on something ! Try to take breather from time to time ( stupid things like go for a small walk or just go drink something, it'll keep your mind fresh ! )

[digitalvalium1]

Background character. Her shirt is too earthy, so it's hard to differentiate between the background and her actions in the midground. While I like the first panel, and her apparent interest in the conversation, the body movement is unnatural from panel 1 to panel 2. I think these two should be reversed, or rather, panel 2 should have the background character peering over her shoulder as is natural in a conversation where one party joins those already engrossed.

I like the third and fourth panels particularly. I would leave these as they are.

This is just a grain of salt though.

[ConradComics]

Moving from panel to panel quickly, something caught my eye, but it turned out to be an illusion.

In the 4th panel, Straw-Hat looks towards panel-left, and for a split second gave me the impression he's on the panel-right side. So when the new character pops in between Straw Hat and Kerchief, it looked flipped in my head. When I took a second though, it's clear the positions remained consistent throughout.

Just something that caught my eye. No big deal.

Edit: I suppose one could move the speech balloons in the 4th panel to the panel-right side, scooching the character over to panel-left, as if he was speaking to someone off-panel-right, but that's just me being picky.

[Marvin]

Damn I wish we could still upload images without having to host them somewhere, I'm gonna mess up my explanations if I can't draw them... Ah, well.

I don't think there's anything wrong per se, especially once there'll be the dialogues to clear everything up. I do agree with @digitalvalium1 though, about the background character. I didn't see her at first and then when she "poped up" in the fifth panel, I was really wondering where she was coming from and had to go back. Maybe you could add some action lines on her btw, so that it's obvious that she just brutally intruded on the conversation from behind.

Now for general advice, I'd say that you should definitely vary your angles more.
There are 5 panels and only 2 different angles and scales. If you want to create the surprise (of the girl intruding), maybe you could make a real close up on strawhat on panel 4 so that the scale is really different from panel 5 while masking the rest of the scene, then change the angle so that it's obvious that she's intruding between the two (it also seems weird that none of them seem surprised - especially the fact that Strawhat doesn't even spare her a glance - but as I don't have the dialogues, I can't say if it's a bad thing. Though you could emphasize her intrusion by changing Strawhat's pose as if she was pushing his shoulder with her arm or something. Also he should probably be a bit smaller because of perspective, he seems really big compared to her.)

As for the first three, you could vary the angle there too (for example, a shot with the background girl in close up, but in the shadows so the eye is attracted to the two in the background (and in the light) and we see that she's still looking at them in the corner of her eyes.

One last thing, I'd advice avoiding having those 4 panels the exact same size because it can get really confusing for the reader ("should I read the panel on the right or the one underneath ?"). Here though, it's ok because you placed the speech balloons fairly well but if you want to make the reading really fluid, you should move the 3rd speech balloon right in the middle of the first 2 panels so that there isn't any confusion for the reader's eye.

ANYWAY. That was just general advice, I wouldn't change much (if anything) if I were you, your characters look really great, I love their design and expressions, and your colors are awesome !

ps : sorry if that wasn't clear, english is not my mother tongue...

[punkarsenic]

I don't think there's anything wrong per se, especially once there'll be the dialogues to clear everything up. I do agree with @digitalvalium1 though, about the background character. I didn't see her at first and then when she "poped up" in the fifth panel, I was really wondering where she was coming from and had to go back. Maybe you could add some action lines on her btw, so that it's obvious that she just brutally intruded on the conversation from behind.

yeah, i agree that i should increase the contrast there - although I'm hoping it'll be clearer when put in the context of the rest of the pages. thank you and @digitalvalium1 for pointing that out to me. and i definitely think some action lines would help.

Now for general advice, I'd say that you should definitely vary your angles more. There are 5 panels and only 2 different angles and scales. If you want to create the surprise (of the girl intruding), maybe you could make a real close up on strawhat on panel 4 so that the scale is really different from panel 5 while masking the rest of the scene, then change the angle so that it's obvious that she's intruding between the two (it also seems weird that none of them seem surprised - especially the fact that Strawhat doesn't even spare her a glance - but as I don't have the dialogues, I can't say if it's a bad thing. Though you could emphasize her intrusion by changing Strawhat's pose as if she was pushing his shoulder with her arm or something. Also he should probably be a bit smaller because of perspective, he seems really big compared to her.)

varying angles is definitely something i need to work on. thank you for the suggestions

As for the first three, you could vary the angle there too (for example, a shot with the background girl in close up, but in the shadows so the eye is attracted to the two in the background (and in the light) and we see that she's still looking at them in the corner of her eyes.

One last thing, I'd advice avoiding having those 4 panels the exact same size because it can get really confusing for the reader ("should I read the panel on the right or the one underneath ?"). Here though, it's ok because you placed the speech balloons fairly well but if you want to make the reading really fluid, you should move the 3rd speech balloon right in the middle of the first 2 panels so that there isn't any confusion for the reader's eye.

normally, id 100% agree with your advice about these four panels, their structuring and repetition. in this scenario, its on purpose. while the focus of the panels is on strawhat and ginger, the scene is from background characters perspective. this is clearer in context of the whole scene. the panels are placed like that to keep them repetitive and harder to concentrate on, changing when she becomes interested in the conversation.

thank you for such indepth feedback!

[Michelle]

Aside from what's been mentioned already, the main thing I notice is the balloon placement; it feels like a bit of an afterthought, like the balloons are trying to squeeze in around the artwork.
This is especially noticeable in panel 2, where one of the balloons is covering up a good portion of the guy's body. In general, you want to avoid having balloons cover the speaker's body.

It's best to design panels with a chunk of negative space where balloons can be placed comfortably, so they don't feel like they're competing for space. I hope that makes sense!

[punkarsenic]

ill be honest this is great advice i ignore time and time again bc i just never figure out how to incorporate my speech bubbles into my page designs

[Michelle]

If it helps, think of your word balloons as physical objects! That is, they need space to comfortably co-exist with your characters so neither one is forcing the other out of the panel.

For a good intro to lettering, I'd recommend this tutorial! It has some good advice on word balloon placement and little lettering tips and tricks.

[punkarsenic]

thank you! thats really helpful

[Marvin]

ill be honest this is great advice i ignore time and time again bc i just never figure out how to incorporate my speech bubbles into my page designs

Personally, I begin my pages by drawing the panels (more or less), then I throw the corresponding dialogues in each panel so that I can place them as I thumbnail which means my balloons are drawn very early (almost the first thing I do !)

this is clearer in context of the whole scene.

Yes, context plays a huge part !

[punkarsenic]

Personally, I begin my pages by drawing the panels (more or less), then I throw the corresponding dialogues in each panel so that I can place them as I thumbnail which means my balloons are drawn very early (almost the first thing I do !)

thatd work better if i thumbnailed digitally so i could move them around, but its a good idea ill try out

[Marvin]

Ah yeah, I guess so !