Feedback on summary? Does this "hook" you in?

[NinaWrites]

Hello,

I'm taking a plunge and decided to finally write my story. Out of curiosity, (and since my story is in a more malleable stage) I would like to know if you came across this summary on Tapastic - would you check out the first chapter? I know it's playing on a lot of cliche tropes - but I like those tropes

(Genre: fantasy/romance; first POV; Female protagonist)

Summary:

My name is Clara Whitten, and I died as an unremarkable person. The last thing I could recall before my untimely death were the bright headlights, screeching tires, and perhaps my last breath. I couldn't help but laugh that my last day on Earth was closing up shop and getting hit by a car while crossing a sidewalk. I suppose I had a good run - at least, the proof that I had existed will be written as part of a statistics on the number of deaths caused by motor vehicle accidents.

So, why did such an unremarkable person like me wake up in a saintess' body? Well, you won't see me complaining since a life of nothing but success awaits me, right? That's what I thought before I realized that I had no agency over this body and everytime I die, I go back in time reliving this nightmare over and over again.

[jmassat]

I like the style of this blurb a lot more than the blurb itself. This would be great text for a prologue, but you're gonna want your story's "gimmick" to appear in your blurb as soon as possible. The thing that gets readers not just thinking about your story, but excited to read it. You might have to forfeit the elements of surprise and suspense to do that.

So a better start, in my opinion, would be more like, "How did Clara wind up in a saintess' body? And is this a dream come true, or a nightmare she's doomed to repeat, again and again?" But that's just a start and a draft.

It would probably be helpful to add another detail or two about your story setup -- not enough to reveal everything, but enough to make your audience stop and say "huh, that's cool, there are a lot of possibilities with that setup."

(also, a note: even if the story itself is 1st person, you don't necessarily need the blurb to be 1st person too...unless ya REALLY want to)

[joannekwan]

First, I think the first paragraph is mostly unnecessary since it just ruminates on her death. Readers on Tapas prefer punchy and quick summaries. So you could just say
"My name is Clara Whitten, and I died." (if you want to stick with 1st person in the summary)

Second, the only real hook outside of the first point of her dying is that she has no agency over her new body and that every time she dies in it, time resets. I would move this way up in the summary, possibly making it the next line after the introduction.
"My name is Clara Whitten, and I died. But I can't control my new saintess body! And every time I die in it, time resets and I have to live this nightmare all over again!" (Maybe not those words exactly, but you get the idea)

The summary is also lacking at giving a hint to the setting and time period of when she reincarnates, which I would think is important to potential readers in this sub-genre. Like I get the saintess part, but in what context? Is it another contemporary setting? Is it historical? Fantasy? etc.

You've got Clara's voice down, that's for sure! But save that for the text and leave the summary to hook readers in quickly!

[NinaWrites]

I was struggling with the summary to see how much can I reveal and how much suspense I should add in. I find that summary isn't my strong suit. Thank you for your suggestions - back to the "writing" board!

[NinaWrites]

So I need to give a gut punching intro to the summary! I was looking at different summaries on tapastic and I've noticed most of them seem to be two paragraphs... so I thought that was the norm. I also never thought of adding a setting to my summary so that's a really good advice! Thank you

[Aleksei]

I go against the tides of Tapas xD I liked more the first paragraph than the second!
I find that the second is so full of cliches (as you have said it) that it took me away from the story. I found very interesting the first part because it was not cliche, and it tells me how you writte in a little paragraph. The challenge from my point of view, is to tell the second paragraph without cliches. I don't know, maybe something along this lines:

'My name is Clara Whitten, and I died as an unremarkable person. The last thing I could recall before my untimely death were the bright headlights, screeching tires, and perhaps my last breath. I couldn't help but laugh that my last day on Earth was closing up shop and getting hit by a car while crossing a sidewalk. I suppose I had a good run - at least, the proof that I had existed will be written as part of a statistics on the number of deaths caused by motor vehicle accidents.

So, how if I died can I be telling this? Why am I reencarnating every time i die in the same body with no power over its actions? My after life has become a nightmare, and I need it to stop.'

As you see, I took away the 'saintess' because that will be a term inside your work, and people outside don't know what it is and what entails. The success part is out, and I gave it a goal to make the reader want to keep reading (cliffhanger thing?). Of course my writting its not as good as yours, but that is my idea of how maybe should go?

Good luck finding your desire summary!

[NinaWrites]

Thank you for the suggestion. I will keep in mind to not delve too deep into the story considering readers might get lost on the technicalities of my story!

(Also, I'm glad you like my writing. Means alot!)