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Jul 2020

P.S., I've had a preternaturally difficult time in getting feedback, so any comments are much appreciated!

11 days later

Hello!

Not sure if you're still looking for some feedback but I went through and read your story. Overall, your writing is pretty good with different variations in it (so it doesn't sound mundane and boring).

The only constructive feedback I have is the fact that you're writing in the first person vs third person. For some people, they might not question it or notice it as much but for me, the perspective is pretty limited when writing in the first person. Therefore, my confusion (which may or may not be revealed) is how does the MC know so much about Deben's life, as if s/he was right there beside him?

For example, you wrote,

Across from Deben, Joe, who sat beside his friend Arthur, slapped his thigh.

How does the MC know that they are friends? How does the MC know their names? Where is the MC in all of this that he can see all of this happening? It almost sounds like writing in the third person might be better for the overall story plot (I sort of got that vibe reading some parts of it).

I hope this feedback helps! Good luck and don't give up due to lack of response!

I really seemed to be getting into this story and its characters, but what I didnt like was the incorrect use of tense so please look into that. Otherwise once you publish a few more chapters, I think I would happily subscribe.