First chapter feedback -- novels only! (CLOSED)

vapidink 2025-05-29 00:49:12 UTC #41

Hello! Done with your first chapter and it was pretty good. I like the contrast in vibes I get from the two leads so far, that's always interesting in romance stories. The writing itself was solid enough, though there was some odd phrasing now-and-then, like "a piano music" instead of "a piano piece" or "a tanned skin" instead of just "tanned skin". There was nothing that really took me out of the story though. The other thing I noticed were some errors with dialogue tags, but again, that's a small thing.

The main thing was that it felt like a slow start. It was interesting to start with the racing scene, but there wasn't a lot of detail there or any tension to make it exciting and then we were jumping to the next scene where Ashlay's on his way to the charity event. So, one of the things I think made it seem so slow was that we constantly stop to work through these batches of exposition on who the characters are and their background when, at the moment, it's not necessary information.

We also get a scene with Altaha which is very fast and nothing much happens so I'm not sure it's necessary. It feels a little odd to jump to another character's POV so suddenly for a small scene that doesn't give us much.

In general, I think the premise is interesting and I like the point where it ended. One detail I liked was the way Ashlay was so bored by all the other performers but Altaha instantly had his attention. that bit of contrast and the sudden change in attitude in Ashlay was interesting enough to close the chapter on. What the chapter really needs is to be tightened up while having more details added to build up the atmosphere and paint a better picture for readers. Hope this helps!

vapidink 2025-05-29 02:24:46 UTC #42

Hello! Done with your chapter and it was good! Your writing is pretty solid, nothing really took me out of it while I was reading and the pacing was good. The imagery you used was great, it really built up the mood and gave it this tense sort of feeling. Also liked the way it ended, great cliffhanger. Wasn't sure what to expect going forward other than a time-skip, most likely.

So, I went and read the summary and I wish we'd started that story in the first chapter. It's clear you want to build up Lena and her motivations, but the real hook of the story is her special ability and we don't get that here. Personally, I would jump into the story and provide backstory later, even though this chapter was very well done. Seeing an adult Lena, getting to know her, and then learning what shaped her into the person she is in the present would be interesting.

That's really the main thing I had in mind because, again, it's well written and the story sounds interesting. It's just always good to jump straight into the story, or the main plot of it. Hope this helped!

vapidink 2025-05-29 02:43:57 UTC #43

Hello! I read your first chapter, or rather, your prologue. It was well written, had a good tone that was consistent throughout, and there were no points where I stumbled or paused because of a glaring mistake. That being said, it is a lot of exposition with little reason for the reader to be interested.

We've not met any characters or been shown the world of the story, we've just been told background information that could be spread out as needed. Because this is the first thing your readers will see--their first impression of your story--you want them to be interested and the hook that the story ends in is the same as the one in the summary.

So, by the end of the chapter I have the same information as I did after reading the blurb for your story, just presented in a more elegant manner. My main critique is that I would rather the story started in the first chapter. Anyway, hope this helped!

Aero 2025-05-29 03:10:34 UTC #44

First of all, thank you for the praise! I honestly expected to get more of a roast than such kind feedback so I'm a bit...ecstatic, would be one word to describe this feeling

And yeah, I probably should have jumped right into her true detective mode from the start, but I felt like it'd be better for the audience to grow with (and have some sympathy for) Lena before getting into the nitty gritty murder, kidnapping, etc. I wanted to get into her learning how to use the ability and how it makes her feel to use it (which I do get into more with chapter 2 and chapter 3, with the latter releasing on the 6th.) Anyway, thanks again if you read my rambling

Ferosyne 2025-05-29 04:47:36 UTC #45

I would love any kind of feedback. Admittedly, I’m a little nervous but I need to know. I’m kind of in the boat of, it screams first draft, but I’m also doing it as a more self-indulgent work because I just want to get these characters story out on “paper”.

But anyway! If/whenever you have a spare moment, would love any feedback. Thank you!

Drama/Romance/BL/Omegaverse

Krysteena 2025-05-29 05:53:35 UTC #46

I got you if you got me here you go to my link!

mohdadeebace 2025-05-30 05:38:27 UTC #47

you mean i should either make it a full comic or a full novel???

vapidink 2025-05-31 00:47:54 UTC #48

No problem! Your writing was good so there wasn't anything to roast even if I wanted to. I save my roasting skills for my brothers, lol.

I totally get that, it's just a preference to jump right into the story, but it was still a good chapter and a good way to build up your character. Thank you for sharing your story!

vapidink 2025-05-31 00:49:13 UTC #49

Yep, though if you go with a novel you could still include artwork. I thought that was a nice touch and your art is very good!

mohdadeebace 2025-05-31 05:06:58 UTC #50

Thankyou I'll try to write it more like a novel style....

Radmehr 2025-05-31 11:30:55 UTC #51

(post withdrawn by author, will be automatically deleted in 24 hours unless flagged)

Yawhe 2025-05-31 15:17:06 UTC #52

Radmehr 2025-05-31 15:46:28 UTC #53

vapidink 2025-06-02 23:00:51 UTC #54

Hello! Sorry this took me a while, but I've read your first chapter and it was good! For a story that centers on the characters, it's so important to have those characters feel real and you did a good job at making Beckett and Gabriel feel alive and distinct. Their personalities really shine from the moment they're introduced and the chemistry between them is already there.

As far as the technical aspects go, your writing is pretty solid. There's a couple things that could be fixed--a typo in the first paragraph, a couple of mistakes with tense and dialogue punctuation--but these are little things that didn't really affect my reading experience.

In general, you did a really good job at making your first chapter interesting. The characters are entertaining and the ending leaves one wondering what's going to happen next and how their relationship will develop. So, yeah, it was a fun read, thank you for sharing your story!

vapidink 2025-06-02 23:17:56 UTC #55

Hello! I'm done with your first chapter and it definitely has a lot of interesting concepts. The issue I found is that it lacks structure and order. A lot happens in the chapter, but most of it doesn't feel relevant at the moment and the parts that are--namely the latter half about demons--is rushed. There's a lot of information being told, but nothing is really being shown, so I don't feel a connection to the characters in spite of having been told so much about them down to their favorite color.

My suggestions would be to, first of all, figure out what you want to let the reader know in the first chapter, and by this I mean what do they really need to know in order to understand the story and get to know your MC. Then, I would suggest you think of ways to give readers the info in a more organic way. Think of situations where you can show who these characters are and that give readers a reason to care about them.

We're also told a lot about Kaysi's abilities and the trouble she's run into, but it would be a lot more exciting to read about then as they happen. There's also a lot of reminiscing going on but again, I don't see how the flashback is essential and it's a bit jarring after having so much information given to us--which would be better delivered by spreading it through the story as needed.

Even though a lot happens in the story and we are given a lot of information, it's very difficult to figure out what's going on because there's very little being described. There's nothing to ground any of the scenes, with the settings, characters, and actions not being given any details. The same goes for Kaysi's thoughts. She tells us a lot about the things that happen to her and the people around her, but we don't get anything about how she feels or what she thinks, which should be a key part for a story written in first person.

Again, I think the concept is interesting, but it needs to be tightened up and fleshed out. Hope this helps and thank you for sharing your story!

vapidink 2025-06-03 23:26:49 UTC #56

Hello! Sorry for the wait, but I'm done with your first chapter! It has an interesting plot and I like the glimpses of the world you've built. Hajime also seems like an interesting character and I like the mystery you've crafted with his dad and the grimoire--which I'm not sure if you misspelled as "grimory" at the start of the story.

A lot happens in the chapter, but because there's not a lot of detail, it feels very rushed and bare bones. It's hard to get a good idea of the setting or the characters because we move from one event to the next without any descriptions. It's also hard to get a feel for the characters when we don't really get to see who they are but are just told about them and the things that happen to them.

So, I think there were two main issues here. The first is the very beginning where we get told a lot of background info without any context to make it have any impact. Having that information be told to us in a more natural way later in the story, when it's actually needed, would be better. The other issue is that there is a lot of telling but not a whole lot of showing. We are being told what is happening in the story without lingering on any one event and giving the story some space to breathe. It makes the story feel rushed and sparse.

My two suggestions would be to get rid of the opening and--more importantly--to flesh out the rest of the story. It really feels like the events of this one chapter should have taken up multiple chapters if given the detail necessary to build tone and to flesh out the characters.

Anyway, I hope this helped and thank you for sharing your story!

Paul_Tromba 2025-06-07 16:35:42 UTC #57

Sorry to bother you but would you be willing to offer a critique of my prologue and first chapter? I am mostly wanting to know how to establish a more inviting hook for it if possible, but all criticisms are welcome!

Soren_Frost 2025-06-07 18:06:11 UTC #58

Hey! I'd love to hear your feedback on my first chapter, if you have time. It's a dark fantasy novel, full of drama and mystery.

Yunatsuki 2025-06-09 14:18:20 UTC #59

Thank you for your reply ^^

vapidink 2025-06-09 22:45:25 UTC #60

I can read whichever one of those chapters you're more concerned about. Love the cover, btw!