First Chapter Feedback

[pixxiemysteria]

I'm writing another fantasy web novel and I finished writing my first chapter. What do you guys think?

Synopsis: In this space opera epic, eighteen-year-old Dilara served as the sole maid in a mansion for her cruel sisters and Mother, as she never got a chance to explore her life besides work. Tired of her misery, she begins to go on a quest to defeat the dark lord and save the galaxy of Aniva after her kingdom was nearly destroyed and her family was in danger. How will she ever defeat the dark lord when fate's preventing her from doing so though?

This series will contain a female spirit, an old woman in cloak, spaceships, a temperate planet, a desert planet, and space travel

Aniva-Volume 1=Chapter 1

[fsarbolaez]

You wouldn't mind doing a review swap? Your chapter for a flash fiction story?

[pixxiemysteria]

Uh, sure, of course I'll do that.

[fsarbolaez]

I was in the midst of reviewing and proofreading your story, but the program suddenly took away my ability to proofread.

Anyway @pixxiemysteria, there are multiple tenses that conflict with when something is happening, and the storytelling gets unnecessarily wordy at times to where it seem like there's something off at times.
You also mentioned "Mother's sisters" but there is nothing else that elaborates on them, so I'm wondering if that was a mistake?

Other than those issues, so far the story reads like a cross between Cinderella and Harry Potter, with a little bit of Superman's origins thrown in. It is an interesting start.

[fsarbolaez]

Here is my flash fiction horror, which I'd like your review on @pixxiemysteria :

Rambling Doom

Genre: Horror

Synopsis:
While checking for squatters in an abandoned building marked for demolition, the contractors found a room containing the body of a missing tech entrepreneur, who appeared to have died of natural causes. When authorities were investigating the room, they noticed that the walls were covered in scribblings, scrawls, and old headlines. According to forensics and detective work, the following are all in chronological order:...

*A one-shot story

(Content Warning: Contains gore and body horror)

Read Rambling Doom | Tapas Web Novels

There is also poll open for members on RoyalRoad, so if you're part of RR and would rather make your review short and sweet, you can just select one of the options there instead of having to write out your evaluation on this thread:

Rambling Doom | Royal Road

Hope you enjoy what you read!

[pixxiemysteria]

Thank you for reading my story, and I already fixed the errors here. About that "Mother's sisters" part, I was writing about her daughters' voices, not her sisters. So I replaced "Mother's daughters" with "my sister's voices" instead. Sorry for the confusion. And I can't wait to read your story.

[pixxiemysteria]

Nice physiological horror esque works of fiction you got there. Feels more like I'm reading a poem, rather than a flash fiction. Interesting take. Nice imagery too. I feel like there's nothing wrong with your works of fiction as far as I'm concern.

[fsarbolaez]

Thank you for taking the time to read my flash fiction @pixxiemysteria! One last thing: How well do you think it might translate into a concept album?

[pixxiemysteria]

Oh, you're welcome, but as an album? I'm not so sure.