Hello! Jens Richard here, I'm about to go full business pro and will take commissions at some point, but for that, I need to practice my writing skills by offering free help for your dialog.
First I will make it clear that this isn't proofreading or editing, but a simple adjustment to the dialog you already have, just to make it even better, more clear, or more funnier for the reader.
I will not run over your entire story, but I will give you some good examples where I find something that could be better.
Also if you are stuck in a specific dialog, please point it out and I can see what I can do for you.
This is mostly for my own practice and I hope that it could be useful for you too.
Edit: I forgot that not everyone in here might know me. LOL
Here is some of my series with dialog: