From Imagination to Pages—Feedback Wanted for a New Writer! ✍️

[JeefAshford]

Hi everyone!

I’m new to both Tapas and the world of writing, and I just started working on my first light novel. My dream is to one day see my story adapted into an anime, though I know it’s a long journey! For now, I’m just going with the flow and letting the story unfold as I learn along the way.

I’d love any honest feedback on my work—whether it’s about the pacing, characters, or anything else that stands out. As a beginner, I really want to grow and improve, and hearing from readers and fellow creators would be incredibly valuable.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Read Search of Tempest :: Chapter 1 ''Arrival'' | Tapas Community

[EEWharthog]

More a comic reader and creator here so I don't know a lot about novels so I will give you my viewpoint from just an average reader. I like it a lot, your writing is very immersive, maybe don't linger too long on already know details of the surroundings. I can see you know what you're doing so I'm sure you will learn and notice anything you can improve upon as you keep going. Good luck

[EEWharthog]

And maybe when you mention something like
(The city has changed so much)
and then having your characters also say in the next line
"the city has changed so much"

rather only let your characters mention it as to not make it repetitive.

[JeefAshford]

Thank you so much for your feedback and encouragement! Especially coming from a comic reader and creator's perspective—it means a lot to me.I’ll keep your advice in mind and keep improving. Glad you’re enjoying it!

[Maki-08]

I don’t know if this is what you’re asking for. Sorry I got a little carried away. It was a fun read.

Final thoughts:

• The descriptions are vivid. They set the tone well and help ground the reader into the scene. However, be careful about when you describe characters and places. You don’t want to reveal too much too quickly. Space character descriptions out more and only reveal them when it is natural for these descriptions to be reveal; in other words, if there is a strong in-universe reason for characters or the narrator to describe the characters.

• The dialogue sounds a little unnatural. They lack the economy and subtext found in natural-sounding speech. When writing dialogue, keep the character personality and background in mind, who they are speaking to, and the information characters know or don’t know. Would Cedric be so irresponsible to hire someone he could not trust, or would he be so negligent that he didn’t inform the driver of their destination before hand? For a character that has a noble air, Alex’s speech is remarkably informal (1). I don’t know if this contradiction is intentional, but to the audience it will seem like slopy writing.

• Avoid using dialogue tags as much as possible. They should only be used when it is unclear which character is speaking, if their dialogue is accompanied by action, or if you want to add details about how they said something that isn’t already clear in the dialogue.

• The writing is too wordy at times. Less is more. Simpler is better. Try to cut down on the numbers of words, especially things that are redundant or are already implied.

• Don’t tell the audience that the people that got out of the plane have a noble air about them (1). Show the audience this air of nobility through their dialogue, actions, or mannerisms.

• The pacing is a bit slow in the very beginning. You don’t need to write ever single detail. Focus on the ones that are important. The trio getting off the plane isn’t particularly important, so jumping ahead in time to the moment they step out of the airport will make the narrative feel as if it is progressing faster.

• Name the characters when they are first mentioned or described. This will clear out any confusion the audience will have when their names are mentioned later in a chapter.

Ultimately, the work feels too “written” in some sections. It hard to explain. Its like when the author's presence is in the narrative, but not necessarily in a good way. You know what I mean? Like. . . there are some sections where it feels like you're reading or you know you're reading.

[Tubacabra]

@Maki-08 Your feedback here is completely based on your own writing style rather than grammatical correctness. Besides personal preference, there is no reason to separate compound sentences or remove nonessential clauses. There is also no requirement to name each character the moment they are introduced. The average reader does not require as much handholding as you seem to believe. As far as dialogue goes, have you actually listened to people talk? It's far more natural to include "unnecessary" words when a human is speaking. When giving feedback, please remember that there is more than one way to write.

[JeefAshford]

Bro, you really went all out with your critique—respect for that! I can see what you were trying to tell me, and I appreciate the effort. Let me address some of your points with my perspective:

Naming Characters:
I’ve avoided naming characters right after their introduction because it can feel like the author is breaking the fourth wall and saying, "Hey readers, this guy's name is alex!" I wanted the names to flow naturally within the story, rather than feeling forced.

Cedric's Trust Issue:
Ah, the Cedric part—good catch, but let me clarify: Cedric trusted the driver, only to realize later that trust was misplaced. It's not negligence; it’s betrayal. I guess I could make that clearer in the narrative so it doesn’t seem like Cedric’s being irresponsible.

Dialogue:
As for the dialogue, I get your point about making it sharper, but humans don’t always talk like that. Real conversations have pauses, filler words, and quirks—it’s what makes them sound authentic. That said, I’ll work on balancing natural flow with storytelling impact.

Descriptions and Pacing:
I tried not to overload readers with details upfront because I thought spacing them out would build intrigue. But I get your point about pacing—I’ll rethink whether the early scenes could be tightened up without losing depth.

Honestly, your feedback has been super helpful, and I really appreciate you taking the time to analyze my work. I’m new to this and still learning the ropes, so I’m sorry if parts of the story felt unworthy of your time. Thanks again for helping me grow as a writer!

[JeefAshford]

Thanks for having my back! Writing is definitely subjective, and I’m experimenting with different styles to see what works. I agree—real conversations aren’t perfect, and readers don’t need everything handed to them immediately. Still, I’ll try to balance feedback and keep improving. Your support means a lot—thanks again!