Help! Honest Feedback on Novel

[Grasshoppershot]

Hello everyone! I find myself in a bit of a dilemma and need some help, if you are willing to spare some time.

I should have done this sooner, but it's now or never! I was wondering if anyone would be willing to review the first 10 chapters of my novel? If you can review more past 10, that would be lovely. The reason I am asking is because I noticed that my earlier chapters got more views than others. I understand that it's not easy to make a novel, but I am worried about some things in my story that could be driving away readers. I am willing to hear how to make improvements when needed.

Here's a brief summary of my story:

"The Flower and the Warlock" is a dark fantasy drama centering on Arjana, a young princess who finds herself lost in an unfamiliar forest far from home. Fortunately, Birger Bramblewood, a benevolent stranger, offers her shelter and strives to restore her health so she can return home.

However, as Arjana's health changes sporadically, she experiences peculiar dreams of an infinite void. Will she find her way back? Can her mysterious ailment be healed? What significance do her dreams hold?

It is supposed to be a slow burn type of story with bits of the plot revealed over time. In the early chapters, there are pictures scattered throughout. But later chapters don't have pictures as I had been updating without them. Also, recently, I've been trying to update consistently Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

Any feedback would be much appreciated!

Read The Flower and the Warlock- A Dark Fantasy Novella | Tapas Web Community

[justincarbunkle]

Sure. I'll read your story. I'd appreciate if you could read my comic in return and give some comments.

Read Free Falling | Tapas Web Community

[justincarbunkle]

Read the first five chapters. Will try to do the rest tomorrow.

I loved the fourth chapter, both the in universe story that was told, and the emotions of the characters reacting to it. There is a good sense of mystery throughout the novel behind Biriger and figuring out how this universe at large works.

The biggest problem so far is the grammar, your choice of present/past tense adjectives, the occasional awkwardly phrased sentence. They aren't that frequent, but there's enough in there that it did take me out a few times. There were a few other odd moments in the first 2 chapters that felt like they could've been better described/presented, but chapters 4-5 seemed pretty solid to me, so maybe that was just early writing jitters/getting warmed up.

[Grasshoppershot]

Sorry about the grammar. I put it through Google documents and ran the check until it couldn't find any more errors. I guess it may have tampered with the sentences structure in the places that it fixed. I should try and find a reliable grammar checker in the future.

I read your comic as well (1-7). I will say I love the art. It reminds me of Home Movies(TV series) on adult swim. My only issue was with some of the panels. Sometimes I got lost.

As for the story, it's very interesting and the plot is why I keep reading. It gives me a nihilistic feel. Sadly, I am lost on the humor as I am lame. I will try to finish it tomorrow in hopes of understanding the plot more. I only got to episode 7.

[justincarbunkle]

Thank you! I can kinda see that with how the eyes are drawn.

Could you give an example where you got lost? I know some of my pages get kinda cluttered with how many shots I try to shove into one panel, but I thought I was keeping the layout of them clear.

I hope some of the humor is coming through. The comedy is the hardest thing for me to write. I wanted the series to be mostly comedic, but slowly reveal all the characters troubles/backstories in-between all their zany adventures.

[justincarbunkle]

Read through chapters 6-10.

It seems by 8 you decided to make the chapter lengths shorter. I think that’s good for the web novel format, you want your episodes to be short for readers to comment/react to, and be able to upload frequently.

The drop off in views is natural for any novel/comic that isn't a massive success. I think it would be good for you to review/rewrite your first three chapters. If you want to maximize the potential of holding onto a readers attention that they'd willingly come back to this series every week, you need to grab their attention and establish trust that you're a good/confident writer as soon as possible. Any minor errors/awkwardness in your writing can be enough to make a reader drop your story, in your first episodes anyway.

Once they’ve formed some connection to your characters/world, feel like this a story worth reading to the end, they’ll be more accepting of the occasional mistake/fumble, but you need to make your initial chapters as strong as possible. I think the story/beats for them are fine, just see how you could improve the presentation. Chapter 4 is still my favorite of the chapters I read, its genuinely well written, and was the point where I felt this series had potential.

I noticed your view counts are inconsistent. Probably from advertising your latest chapters when they release, and getting different amounts of people seeing it each time. You’re just not going to get as many views for the later chapters for a serialized story. Maaaybe you could break every X amount of chapters with a recap/summary so a new viewer could read from that point and not feel lost, but that's kinda weird for a linear novel story you kind of have to read from start to finish. My advice is to improve the first 3, then just focus on making your current chapters even stronger, and give your series plenty of advertising.

[Grasshoppershot]

Hello! I'm in the process of reading 7-28 so bear with me! I'll answer your questions now, and give a full review when I get caught up.

The panel part that confused me was chapter one when Destiny was unpacking. I didn't know what was going on at first till I realized she was unpacking. I think it would help if you placed them in separate squares like in this picture

There are some panels only separated by a black line, like the shot here:

I'll be back for the review, I need to get caught up!

[justincarbunkle]

I was trying to show an overwhelming amount of panels cluttered together to convey she’s doing a lot of unpacking, leading to her tired on the couch at the end. I thought the panel above that showing her opening boxes/displaying various objects would be enough to convey what was happening below it.

You’re right, especially there with the un-detailed white bgs, the black dividing lines weren’t very defined, and what was happening could’ve been clearer. I thought they were unnecessary/it was clear enough without them, but I’ll start using them again.

[drbwp4]

I went ahead and read chapter 1. First I would like to say that you did a very good job at making me want to know more about your world and Arjana.
Some advice I'd like to give is 1st: When you first introduce Arjana, or the girl in the woods, give us a description of her. Maybe also a nickname. I like what you did with not naming her right away as it's very mysterious, however I had a hard time connecting with her. I started my book the same way and at first I was just calling him the boy, but when I nicknamed him witch boy I feel it was easier to write. 2nd I love the names you gave both characters and I think you did a good job with that. I also think your dialogue is really good. 3rd This is the last thing, when you write dialogue make sure to make a new paragraph when someone new is speaking. Also, if the same person is speaking be sure to keep their dialogue in one paragraph. (Let me know if this last part was confusing.)
Otherwise I would suggest that you go through your book and read it out loud. Doing this helps immensely. I'll link the video I learned this from as it is incredibly helpful.

If you found this helpful let me know.

[Grasshoppershot]

Okay! I'm finally caught up, sorry it took so long, was at work. I understand that this is episodic as opposed to a linear story which is fair. I'm not going to harp on the art style too much because everyone (including me) has room for improvement, I must say, in the beginning, the art I liked a lot (especially with the art choice to give the characters thick lines), but in some of the chapters, I feel that the quality can vary. Try making shorter chapters so you don't have to overdo it or risk burnout. Short chapters are effective too.

As for the comedy, I found out why it doesn't seem to hit with me. Your comic seems to be more Black Humor as opposed to Dark Comedy. Black Humor constantly pushes the boundaries of acceptable humor, but Dark Comedy is dark but maintains a level of levity. Think Happy Tree Friends, that's Black Humor whereas "Shaun of the Dead" has some dark comedy in it.

If Dark Comedy is what you were going for, my advice is to never forget the punchline and to balance the lighthearted stuff with the dark and morbid. Black Humor can work and there is an audience for it, but I don't know if that was what you were going for. But to make black humor work, you'd have to check out South Park. Even though I personally don't like the show, I did get a chuckle from the episode "Good Times with Weapons" episode.

But then again, I could be biased as I'm more of a lighthearted comedy person.

Nonetheless, you have a unique art style and a group of characters who are quite colorful. Not to mention your themes will relate to this generation, and your own website. You have a lot going on for you and this story, never forget that.

[justincarbunkle]

Part of the quality drop is because those middle/later chapters (all the ones that didn’t have an x/3 or x/4 in the title) were produced a year before those ones. Those definitely have a lot more problems, mostly from me still figuring out my production process. I’ll either divide those ones up like my current chapters, or delete them after I finish the current volume, to keep the series overall quality looking better to new readers.

My current output is 8 pages a week. Because of this, I do end up excusing some weaker drawings/jokes just to keep up with my output. I’m trying to improve and keep the art nice within the style I’m going for. I’m churning the comic out to an extent, but I’m still generally satisfied with the current quality I’m getting. Even if flawed, I’ll take a few flaws if it means I can release 10-12 chapters in a year.

Yeah that’s a pretty accurate way to describe the comedy. There is a level of edgy newgrounds/early Internet/South Park humor to it. I keep in mind not to overdo it, I don’t want to rely heavily on shock value/profanity for cheap laughs, but I personally enjoy having some of that edge in my comedy.

I do try to have some sort of setup/punchline to a joke in each page. It’s just not always easy to balance telling jokes consistently while also telling a story/developing characters. I can usually think of weird/ridiculous ideas and premises fairly easily. It’s just actually structuring it, writing the right dialogue, and imaging if a first-time reader would find it funny, it gets pretty hard.

I’ll keep that in mind the tone I’m going for with the comedy. I do enjoy plenty of Black Humor, but I don’t the series to just be that, even with the dark situations/psychology I often go into.

Thank you so much for that. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read my entire comic and giving me constructive feedback. I hope you enjoyed it, despite it having some downs.

I’ll read the rest of your novel in the next few days and give some more comments. I have legitimately enjoyed what I’ve read so far, and look forward to where your story goes next. : )

[Grasshoppershot]

In all seriousness, you don't have to finish my novel if it's not your cup of tea. Sorry for the sudden bluntness, but I just don't want you to feel obligated to read it because I finished your comic. I just really wanted to see where I can improve on my novel because I get some views on it, but no subscribers.

Anyway, if you still get concerned about comedy, I recommend watching the skit Ali Saddiq-Prison Riot. It's a dark comedic skit, but the structure and delivery told a story and got a laugh out of the audience.

[justincarbunkle]

It’s no obligation. Despite the criticism I gave, I sincerely liked a lot of what you wrote and care enough to see what happens to your characters.

I never heard of Ali Saddiq. I’ll check that out, thank you!

[NewAgeComics]

Hello everyone
I noticed that I'm getting fair amount of views and a bit of likes on my novel until act two . And in my mind, from act two is where it's getting good but I don't get any comments and I'm wondering if I've make a grave mistake or if something is wrong. I would really appreciate if someone could take a look at a couple of chapters from act two to know what's going on

Read Through Mortal Eyes | Tapas Web Community

And here my comic series in case anyone is interested

Read ALPHA SQUAD | Tapas Web Community

Thank you​

[drbwp4]

Hello, I got through chapter five of your book, and it's honestly really good. I will admit. I almost stopped reading in the second chapter. I mentioned why in the comment section, but I'll go ahead and repeat it here.
I think the beginning of the second chapter is really good and it got me really hooked on the story, but when Eamon approaches Jack and starts talking about the Scourge as if Jack wasn't already told in the first chapter really threw me off. I had to go back to the beginning of chapter two and reread it.
Honestly, your story is really good, and I'm a little jealous of how good your descriptions and pacing are.
@NewAgeComics

[NewAgeComics]

Thanks a lot
But I guess I really need to work on chapter 1 and 2 because that's where most of the issues are

[drbwp4]

I've rewritten my first chapter many times and I know how frustrating it can be. Especially if you are attached to it like I was with mine. Keep your head high though because your story is genuinely good.